When it's over...

Update:

Sorry for the confusion.  We may try more IVF in the future, it's just with losing the insurance it will be a lot tougher.  I wrote the other post just after finding out the news we lost the insurance so I was not very clear.  I apologize for the misinformation.  With the insurance we had unlimited tries, now there is very much a limit and I am very much aware of it.  My heart is broken over it.  So, when we decide to try again (after someone sends me the winning lotto numbers :-) ) we'll let you know.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

No Cal-Cobra for me which means no more IVF.

I'll mourn my loss and move on.  Thanks for reading and commenting, it meant a lot.  I'll be making the blog private so if I have news and post, I'll send out an email.  If you can get in, email me and I'll include you.

Again, thanks for everything.

And the verdict?

ENDOMETRIOSIS.

No, I take that back.  SEVERE ENDOMETRIOSIS.

The Cliff's Notes version is, the doctor got in there and it was like an endometriosis bomb went off.  They were all very surprised.  It's bad when your dr is surprised.  So one of my tubes he couldn't work on, he took the other one out.  My bowels were, "all over the place". I have no idea what that means.  I have to go back in at the end of January to have my appendix removed because of all the endo and the other tube removed.  God knows what else.  I'll ask at my post op appointment.

I got out of surgery and the nurse says, "We're gonna take you to you room now."

"Room?"

"Yes you'll be our guest for the night."

"I'm supposed to go home."

Nurse says to someone, "Can you go get her hubs?"

Hubs shows and looks a mess.  Geeze what the fuck happened?

Finally I get some explanation.  (see above) So, I was treated to a night of excellent care at Stanford Hospital.  I highly recommend it...if you have to stay.

So, I'm down for a bit longer than I expected...this is gonna make school nearly impossible... :-(

Oh, guess what some of the symptoms are?

"Other common symptoms are abnormal uterine bleeding, spotting prior to periods, and infertility."

Hm.

Let's see, the insurance runs out at the end of January so IVF will have to be out of pocket...you remember how much out of pocket is, right?

In other news:  They are selling the townhouse we are living in so we may have to move.  *sigh*

Anyone else wanna take a pot shot?

To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.

The fun begins tomorrow...

12.30 pm start liquid diet

3.00 pm first clense

7.00 pm second clense

Tuesday

12.30 am nothing more by mouth

7.30 am check in

9.30 am surgery.

Want to know what happens starting yesterday?  How about a brush with my own mortality.  Yes I know it's not rational, but since when is fear rational.  Yes I'm afraid.  IT'S FREAKING SURGERY!!  I don't care how routine surgery is, there is alway an chance of complications.  It happened to a friend of mine.  She went in, didn't come out.  Now, her case was nothing like mine, but again, fear is not rational.

I weighed my family, my friends, my compodres online.  Who would tell them if something happened to me.  The man said he would...if he could figure it out.  LOL.  Did I have things I wanted people to have?  Were there things I didn't want people to know?  Who would the kitties sleep with?  Fear is not rational.

We went to see The Secret Life of Bees Saturday night.  GREAT FREAKING MOVIE!  There was one scene where they explain the image on the honey jars.   I.  Lost.  It. It was all about strength in the face of fear.  I thought I was going to have to run sobbing from the theatre because I was doing that loud, doubled over, someone killed my puppy sobbing, well, trying NOT to and failing.  I finally got a grip, but I was fragile the rest of the movie and night.  The images would float through my mind and I would well up again.  The man wanted to discuss the movie and all I could do was turn in on my self, hide behind my hair and nod.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't.  I went to bed, 3 hours later, I was still up, paralyzed by fear.  No sleep, no peace.  I had to put on a movie to distract myself enough to fall asleep.  Fear is not rational, and no respector of persons or hour.

I don't know what else to say about this.  I'm afraid.  Logically I know it's ok.  Emotionally I'm a mess.  How does one assuge those fears?  How do you tell yourself, it will all be ok?  I just don't know.  And this isn't even touching on the infertility fears.  I'll be irrational about those when I'm through these.

I guess that's all I have to say.  Maybe I'll blog tomorrow and bitch about being hungry. :-)

Night.

Veer Sharma
FEAR:
F--FALSE
E--EVIDENCE
A--APPEARING
R--REAL

Oscar Wilde
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Eddie Rickenbacher
Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.

Channing Pollock
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.

MMMBop Pre-op

MMMBop...bidi dapa doo wop
Doo bi dapa pre-op
Bidi dapa doo, yeah, yeah
MMMBop...bidi dapa doo wop
Doo bi dapa pre-op
Bidi dapa doo, yeah, yeah

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2353677658182041713&ei=f0T1SOWZKoSKqQPfpc0B&hl=en]

Bahahahahahahaahahahahaha!!!

The actual lyrics are oddly appropriate.. But,

Bahhahahahahahahhaaahaha!!

No?  Too bad it cracked me up!

Anywho party pooper...

Pre-op is Friday.  I'll write more that night.  I have a test I am determined NOT to fail on Thursday, so I will be studying for that until then.

Oh, and this is HYSTERICAL!!!   CLICK ME.

What do you get...

...when you fail a pregnancy test?

Surgery.

October 21, 2008

A Letter to God...

BFN

(For those of you not paying attention, that's Big Fat Negative)

**************************************************************************************************************

Dear God,

Click on the link below to hear the song.

Audioslave - Show Me How to Live

In with the early dawn
Moving right along
I couldn’t buy an eye full of sleep
And in the aching night
Under sattelittes
I was not recieved
built with the stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

In the afterbirth
On the quiet earth
Let the stains remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me a life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live

DAMN RIGHT I'M FUCKING PISSED!!

9DP2DT-IVF#4

...Also known as Day Before Blood Test Day.

Same drill as last time.

We'll let you know...

http://mommiewannabe.wordpress.com/2008/08/02/7dp3dt7dp3dt/

http://mommiewannabe.wordpress.com/2008/08/03/8dp3dt8dp3dt/

In other news, my conversation with the clinic today:

Me:  Hi, my friends kids gave me a sore throat and cold. Is there anything I can take to help with the congestion?

Nurse:  *Cackles hysterically for 35 minutes*

Me: *Blink Blink*

Nurse:  Nah, man!  It just sucks to be you! *More cackling as she hangs up on me*

Me:  *Blink Blink, hangs up phone*

Me: *Calls Acupuncturist*  I can't make the appointment.  I'm sick as a dog.

Her:  You're congested!!

Me:  Yeah

Her:  Come in!!  I can help with that!!

Me:  I'll be right there.

One hour later...

Me:  Takes deep breath BECAUSE. I. CAN!

Me:  *Hears Hallelujah Chorus*

Her:  Better?

Me:  *Thinks about proposing*  Yes thank you!

Her:  Good luck tomorrow.  I'll put you here on the books with a heart and sending you light!

Me:  Thank you!

8DP2DT-IVF#4

So, after a lovely bought of food poisoning, which included chills like I have never experienced before.  ( I couldn't get the thermometer in my mouth I was shaking so bad) I have had a splitting headache since last night and when I sat down for dinner tonight, discovered my throat hurts.  *sigh*

Anyone else wanna kick me when I'm down?

7DP2DT-IVF#4

What has extreme stomach pain, followed by alternating rounds of barfing and...other stuff, rounded out by extreme chills and concludes with hot flashes?

That would be me.  Thank you, food poisoning.  Like I didn't have enough to worry about.  Does God hate me, or what?

6DP2DT-IVF#4 - Pt. 2

I called my RE this am and left a message.  I said the spotting we had discussed has started again.  Any suggestions?

I got a voice mail because I was out, and the nurse said he said, we could try the PIO ( Progesterone in Oil) shots.  (Those would be the ginormous intramuscular needles in the ass every night).  The thing about it is, it probably won't help.  I think it's just something else "to do".  I won't really be getting any more progesterone than I already am.  So, I'm mulling it over.

You have any thoughts one way or another?

Here is a video of this poor girl having to give it to herself.  I couldn't do it.  I swear!

Anyway, can't say as if I'm moved to do that.  I have until tomorrow to decide...I'll sleep on it.

6DP2DT-IVF#4

Yesterday's post was written out of pain and panic.  This far (though I have only been up 30 minutes) there is a lot less panic and pain, but there is a lot of resignation.

The reason for the freak out was I started spotting again.  So, what can I say, I feel the jig is up.  While I am not freaking out, I am resigned to the fact of another failed cycle and am beginning to look towards surgery.

5DP2DT-IVF#4 - Pt. 2

So I had a complete and total melt down.  I did what I do.  Go take a shower and cry like death is upon me.  Complete vulnerability.  Naked, wet, in the shower, crying uncontrollably, your heart and emotions, naked and wet.  Muttering to my husband, who has come in to find me in this disturbing state and asks,"Why are you crying what's wrong?"

Me: "I'm tired.  I can't take it.  It's too hard.  I can't do this."

He knows me.  He let me be after a few minutes.  Probably to start smoking again.

I went to acupuncture and it calmed me down.

A good friend gaveme some advice about doing some natural things.  I'm doing them.

My head hurts.  My eyes are red and puffy.  I have two sick cats (not the kittens) that are concerning me.  I feel like a failure.  And my homework answers for this week suck.

I give up.

5DP2DT-IVF#4

Jinx.

5DP2DT-IVF#4

pan·ic: [pan-ik] noun


1.  a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.

panic attack –noun Psychiatry. an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.

Yep.  That sounds about right.  That's what I had this morning.  I was in the shower and realized I would have to go have my blood test alone.  The man is on a flight at the butt-crack of dawn that day.  So I will have to go do it by my self and get the news by my self.

Best case scenario:  BIG FAT POSITIVE!  I call the man we celebrate over the phone!

Worst case scenario:  Big Fat Mocking Stuff It In Your Face Negative.  I call and tell him and it sucks.  I'm depressed and set up an appointment with the RE to get the names of surgeons to go in and clean my shit up.

So, I panicked.  I have drugs for panic attacks, I've had them before, but ironically enough I can't take them because I COULD be pregnant!  I mean is this the BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?!?!?!?!!!!  One of the FEW times in your life when alcohol or anti-anxiety medication would be really handy...and you CAN'T HAVE IT!!!  Some one has a really, really, really sick sense of humor.

I guess I'll go get stuck with more needles tomorrow.  I have to admit, I am calmer this cycle.  I mean, except for today.  I am hesitant to say what else isn't happening becuase I don't want to jinx anything.  *sigh*

THIS SUCKS!!

( I am pretty optimistic though...honest.)

3DP2DT-IVF#4

I am so freaking tired.  I feel I could sleep for days.  Must be the anxiety of it all catching up with me because I haven't really done anything to warrant this kind of fatigue.

I think I"m gonna go to bed.  See ya later.

2DP2DT (Days Past 2 Day Tranfer)-IVF#4

So, the transfer went great.  The embies were better quality than last time.  We got a 3, 4 and 5 cell, which was about what we had on day 3 last time.  So that's good.  Had acupuncture the day before the transfer and the day after and will have one on Saturday and the day before the blood test.  I have a mantra to say.  I also have a cd to listen to, which I haven't yet.  LOL

I'm a little afraid to say I'm cautiously optimistic.  Feel pretty good this time.  I hope it works.  Here are the pics.  The first is of the embies.  The second is where he put them in my uterus...weclome. (lol)   It's the circled section, not the three white spots, those are the air bubbles that pushed the embies out of the catheter.  But, that's them!  I think if you click on the pick, it will put it in another window, then click on it again to blow it up.

[gallery]

CD15/SD15/LD17/Day After Retreival-IVF#4

RE called.

7 eggs.

3 immature.

4 ICSI'ed

3 Fertilized.

On one hand disappointing.  On the other, still more than I thought.  I just wanted more for a better chance.  So my mood is pretty grim.  Except for when 6 comes to love on me and lick my nose and chin.   That makes my heart pretty happy.

We're going ahead with the 2 day transfer.

UPDATE:

Had Acupuncture today.  Gonna have it Monday too.  Tomorrow...transfer day...

CD14/SD14/LD16/ Retrieval Day-IVF#4

Went very well.  Less pain than last time.

Less blood than last time.

More eggs than last time!  7!!

Lucky 7!

Guess it's not moo any more!

Bok bok.

Ok going back to bed.  See ya later.

CD14/SD14/LD16-IVF#4

Well, 'tis the night before.  We are at B.I.L.'s house again since it's such an early call.  not much to tell, since nothing is really going on.  I plan on bringing my laptop with me to the procedure tomorrow, hoping to do a blow by blow as long as they let me have my computer.

Other than that, I was thinking that there should be some kind of bumper sticker.  "Back off!  I'M ON LUPRON!"  Something along those lines.

OK.  I'm off.  See y'all later!!

Moo!

CD13/SD13/LD15-IVF#4

Well, I trigger tonight.  Last shot for a while.  Yay!!

So one of my dilemmas I have over the 2 day transfer is the embie is really not supposed to arrive at the uterus until 5 days after fertilization.  The egg gets fertilized in the fallopian tube and takes 5 days to travel down set up camp in the uterus.  So putting them in there at 2 days is a lot like moving into a house before it's ready.  You can do it but it won't be comfortable and if you have any kind of problems it could be disastrous.  I don't know.  It's all they used to do...I just don't know.  More thinking....

My head hurts.  I'm gonna go lie down and watch TV.  See ya!

CD12/SD12/LD14-IVF#4

Ok.  So the schedule is...

Wednesday 10.30 pm we trigger.

Friday 9.30 am is the retrieval.

Now, the interesting part is one of the doctors there called and asked if I was interested in being apart of a study.  They want to do a 2 day transfer rather than a 3 day transfer.  It seems there is no significant difference in the numbers.  My dr says he has no preference either way.  That this idea is nothing new, they used to only do 2 day transfers from like 1979-1992 or something.  But the medium they developed the embryos in has gotten better so they switched to 3 day.  Here is something I found online:

"It is concluded that the outcomes of embryo transfer in terms of implantation and pregnancy rates are comparable for day 2 and day 3 embryos, although the overall embryo quality score decreases when embryos are kept in culture till day 3."  -  http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/16/3/476

They gave me some stuff to read too but I'm not about to scan it and throw it up here lol.  One study is from UCSF, and one from Turkey.

We haven't decided what to do.  The numbers look like the womb does a better job of taking care of an embryo, but implantation rates are about the same.  So...I dunno.  You have any thoughts?  Heard anything?

Oh yeah, and my lining is thin...they have me on Estradiol...so hopefully that works.

You know what, I haven't been spotting all that much, wonder if that's why, my lining is thin...interesting.

CD10/SD10/LD12-IVF#4

I don't really have anything to write about today.  Tomorrow is another ultrasound and I suppose we'll determine when to trigger.  Then you know the drill.  I expect that the retrieval will go about the same as last time.  Hopefully I won't be leaking body fluids like last time and I won't be in as much pain as last time.  They'll drain the endos like last time so that probably makes the two previous wishes a moot point.  (Or as Joey says, "A moo point.  It's like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter, it's moo.")



That cracks me up every time lololol!

Anyway, hopefully it will work unlike last time.  I would just feel a lot better if they had the spotting under control.  It's just fucked up, ya know?

Well after some consideration and my poor response I don't think the flare protocol is right for me.  Of course I'm not sure what is at this point.

Well, I think that's all I got for now.  See ya later.

Moo.

CD9/SD9/LD11-IVF#4

I went looking for legislation on infertility being treated like any other disease by insurance companies.  I found this website.  Obviously that is important to me especially as my insurance coverage rapidly comes to and end, and with it my hopes of having a biological child.  Will you take a moment and check out the information below?  Thanks.

I found some information on this website:  Resolve

**********************************************************************************************************

Contact your senator about Supporting Coverage of Infertility Treatment:

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=132

**********************************************************************************************************

Contact your representative about Supporting HR2892--Infertility Treatment Coverage Legislation:

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=159

**********************************************************************************************************

Here is a link to the Bill:

http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bill.xpd?bill=h110-2892&tab=summary

**********************************************************************************************************

Some reading for friends and family about infertility:

fact_sheet_6_family_and_friends

The ADA recognizes infertility, why don't the insurance companies?  They claim having children is a lifestyle choice?  Well it is not my lifestyle choice to be childless...Anyway, I'll get off my soap box for now...but only because I'm tired.

Thanks!  I appreciate you taking the time to check this out.

CD8/SD8/LD10-IVF#4

One.

It's the loneliest number.  Is a singular sensation.  It's the beginning.  It's the last.  All it takes is one.

On Tuesday, I went in for the Day 5 ultrasound.  Disappointing.  Only like 2 follies, unless you wanna count the endos.  Lining was thin.  Well it's early, Dr. not worried. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I ask about the spotting.  Why no one is worried but me.  What it comes down to is, it may or may not be the hydrosalpinx.  He is concerned about it, but, "We'll see."  What that translates to in my mind?  We don't know.  If they have to remove it, he thinks it will take a specialist because there is probably a lot of scar tissue.  Boy, when I over achieve I really over achieve.  Why couldn't have been in something good...like school, or athletics or almost anything else?  So I figure as long as they are in there, would removing the endometreomas help?  Two for the price of one.

I went back today.  On my 90+ minute ride, instead of listening to my audio book, my mood required music.  Angry music.  Thank you Lupron.  So I have created a "Lupron Listening List"!

Lupron Listening List

• Metalica - Enter Sandman


• Pink - U and U'r Hand


• Audioslave - Show Me How to Live


• Audioslave - Cochise


• Audioslave- Like a Stone


• Alice in Chains - Man in the Box


• 30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill


• Maroon 5 - Wake Up Call


• Joss Stone - Put Your Hands on Me


• Salmon - Falling, Giving, Being


• Fall Out Boy - This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race


• Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down


• Fall Out Boy - Thanks for the Memories


• Pussy Cat Dolls - Buttons


• Nine Inch Nails - Closer


• Robin Thicke - When I Get You Alone


• Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl


• Jennifer Paige - Crush


• No Doubt - Just a Girl


• Evanescence - Bring Me to Life


• P.O.D. - Boom


• ABC - Poison Arrow


• Miranda Lambert - Gunpowder and Lead

OK, some of these aren't angry, I put them in there just because I like them and they are fun to sing in the car...LOUDLY!  There are probably more to add but that is all I could get through on the ol' iPod today.  What are some of your Lupron Songs?

I had another ultrasound today.  Same thing.  Lining is looking much better than last time.  That's something I guess.  Only really two follies but there may be more, we'll see on Monday when I go  back for yet another violation.  We may end up triggering on Wednesday.    I was so very disappointed after that appointment.  My heart ached.

Earlier in the week I was feeling defeated.  I was like, this is never gonna happen.  Why am I even bothering.  Then we went to a public event and this little boy ran past us.  He was so cute!  He looked like what I picture our kids would look like.  I watched him go to his parents and sure enough they were very similar to what we looked like.  My heart kicked back in.  THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS!!  I want one like that!!  My heart longed for it.  Then the disappointing dr.'s visits.  Why hope?  When it's just gonna be eviscerated and it's naivete hung out for everyone to laugh at?  It's cruel.

So, Tuesday after the first ultrasound, I returned my bf's call, and threatened to throw my Motorola earpiece out of the car and run it over because it sucks.  (It really does.  I may be hormonal but I'm not wrong!)  She laughed at me, "How's that Lupron working out for you?"

"Well apparently it sucks.  There are only two follies so far.  I'm really disappointed."

"It only takes one!"

That got me thinking.  It only takes one...

It only takes...

One vote to win a nomination or an election.

One voice start a revolution.

One person to save a life.

One injection...

One knife...

One bullet...

One misunderstanding...

One idea...

One dream...

One embryo...

One is a powerful number.  It's not my favorite number.  Right now I hate it.  It feels like it's standing in my way.  Am I, One person, strong enough to knock it down?  I don't know.    I don't even dare say I hope so.  Hmmm...One Hope.

I know this post is all very scattered, but that is the order of my one head.

CD4/SD4/LD6-IVF#4

To all you other IVF folk out there, I have questions for you.

I saw a video blog of someone giving themselves injections of their meds.  It looked to me like they were using an intramuscular needle for their stims and such ( I could be wrong, but the needle looked big).  I have only ever used the subcutaneous.  How about you?  What size needles are you using?  Do you know of any benefits (other than the obvious, OUCH!) to using one over the other?

[gallery]

What about anti-rejection drugs?   I know that if you do ICSI or Assisted Hatching you get one.  Have you heard of one that make your womb "stickier"?  What protocols are you on?  If you were successful what worked for you?

What say you!

CD3/SD3/LD3-4

My ovaries hurt.

My head huts.

My endometreoma hurts.

I go in Tuesday for a day 5 ultrasound.  Weeeeeee!

The man brought me dinner in bed because my head is hurting again.  6 came in to join me and stole one of the ribs off my plate.  Lil' shit!  I'm glad to see she hasn't lost her cow hunting skills livin' all bougie up in our crib.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption=" 6 - She looks like a good kittty, but she is only pretending..."][/caption]

I've also been trying to chart my temp.  I think this is dangerous to a fragile hope but I'm doing it.  I may stop.  I don't know.  I'm not very good about remembering first thing in the morning anyway.  (I'm not a morning person.)

4 shots a day...it's...a pain.  Pun intended.  The needles for the Lupron are not very slick and the Menopur is the same.  For that they gave me 1cc syringe which means, long skinny syringe that takes a long time to plunge.  Why couldn't they give me a larger syringe?  That shit stings!  Yes I'm whining.  It's the Lupron.

OK.  I'll quit boring y'all.  Have a good and safe holiday.

Oh, and those of you living in the path of Gustav, I sure as hell hope you left!  Please!  LEAVE!  GET OUT!!!  That is all.

CD1/SD1/LD3-4

I'm a bitch!  Lupron makes me the bitch that I am deep down inside.  On one hand it's kind of fun, on the other, I'm not used to the anger...very odd.  But I'm trying to NOT flip people off.  The operative word being TRYING.  (Hangs head in shame, but is still pissed at the asshole who fucking cut me off this after noon, and hopes his transmission fall out of his P.O.S.!!!!!)  I'm still road rage girl in the car (see previous statement).  I'm quick to argue with people online.  Every thing pisses me of quickly!  VERY QUICKLY!  You have been warned...

Have a nice day!  :-)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="367" caption="BITCH!!!!!!"][/caption]

CD 22-4

Short post.  I have a SCREAMING HEADACHE!

Acupuncture was great.

Lupron give me screaming headaches, therefore sucks!

Massage almost made me call uncle several times.

Lupron give me screaming headaches, therefore sucks!

Bye.

CD 20-4

We have lift off!!  So the ultrasound went well.  RE was even really personable!  Usually he's a no muss no fuss kinda guy.  Which I appreciate.  Today he was very...personable.  Nice.  Anyway, seems like we beat that endometreoma bitch into submission.  It's not there on the left and much smaller on the right!  Take that whore!! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I start the microdose Lupron on the 27th.  Eventually, I will be up to four shots a day.  >.<    To celebrate, I'm gonna go to get Acupuncture tomorrow.  Yes to celebrate my 4 shots a day, I'm gonna go get poked VOLUNTARILY with needles.  'Cause, you know;

That's.  How.  I.  Do.

Peace out!

CD 18-4

STOP MOCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I was sitting on the couch minding my own business watching...I dunno what, and this commercial comes on.  It's a Pampers commercial.  Something like, buy a pack of diapers and some needy child somewhere gets a vaccine.  *blink blink*  Lemme seeeeeeeeee...If I can't have a baby, I can't buy Pampers and some poor child dies from lack of a vaccine...  That's. Just. Mean.

Later, I'm flipping through the TV menu and I run across a show, "Ask God"  Topic, 'God, Why All the Suffering?'

Are you fucking kidding me? Really?  I don't know who's cosmic sense of humor this is.  It's one of those things you don't want to laugh at, but do...you know, like South Park.

CD 17-4

Sooooooooo...wanna know my tentative schedule...

[caption id="attachment_218" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="4th Cycle"][/caption]

Loberly.  4 shots a day...I'm the luckiest girl in the whole, wide world!!!

Any questions?  LOL.

CD 16-4

I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their kind and supportive comments and emails.  You guys rock!!

CD15-4

Well after going round and round with the pharmacy about the Follisitm dosage and vial size, I talked to the nurse and she assures me the drug company tells them they put an extra 137 IU's in the vial.  I've not experienced it but no one else has had a problem with it so maybe it's just operator error.  So, we'll see.

I have my first acupuncture appointment on Tuesday.  I'm very excited.  Honestly, I don't know if it's all a bunch of hooey, or if it really will help up the odds, but I figure, it can't hurt.  And hey, if it helps with my hormonal headaches (which I have had for the past few days) I'm all about it!  Maybe it can help with the spotting too.  Dunno, but I'm hopeful.

Monday I have my baseline ultrasound.  I'm wondering if I will have to do the blood test checking my E2 levels on this protocol.  I guess I'll find out Monday, as well as why isn't anyone else concerned about the spotting.  Bugs me.

Well, that's all I got.  Later

CD14-4

Do you think animals in the wild, mourn not being able to bear children?  Do you think they are shunned by the others in their group, cast aside to live alone?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of being cast aside, although some do fear it, and rightfully so.  Some can't handle it.  I just wonder if animals feel the loss.  You see birds standing by the body of thier dead mate, why wouldn't they feel this too to some degree?   Anyway, I don't really want an answer, I'm just wondering aloud.

CD 13-4

I have a headache.  :-(

CD10-4

I'm having a personal crisis.  I guess there is a crisis of faith, but more a cirsis of self.  What have I done with my life?  What will I leave behind?  Who will remember me?  Have I created anything?  Made anything?  I may not even be able to have biological children.  Tick toc.  Tick Toc.  I'll leave nothing.  Guess that means I am nothing.

"And poof. Just like that, he's gone."

Verbal, The Usual Suspects

CD9-4

THE MICRODOSE LUPRON FLARE PROTOCOL

The microdose Lupron flare protocol is one of the most potent IVF protocols available. It has helped many women with poor ovarian reserves to conceive, and in our opinion, is the last resort before donor egg IVF. The protocol takes advantage of a special property of Lupron. When used in tiny amounts, Lupron stimulates the release of natural FSH from the pituitary for several days before exerting its suppressive effect. During this 'flare' period, the ovaries are stimulated by natural FSH. The subsequent addition of high doses of FSH from medications gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. The flare protocol can be summarized as below:

Menses                     Flare effect                     HCG   Retrieval         Transfer

1. 
   

   Menstruation begins.

   
   


2. 
   

   Birth control pill is used to suppress the pituitary for 10 to 14 days. Low dose types are preferable. A trial transfer is performed during this period.

   
   


3. 
   

   Minidoses of Lupron are started 3 days after the last pill to stimulate the pituitary to release its own store of FSH (the flare effect). After 5 days, Lupron begins to suppress the pituitary to prevent premature ovulation. Lupron is continued until the day of HCG.

   
   


4. 
   

   Ovarian stimulation is initiated 5 days after the last pill using the highest dose of FSH. The combination of natural FSH and medicated FSH gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. Close monitoring is required.

   
   


5. 
   

   HCG injection is used to mature the eggs.

   
   


6. 
   

   Egg retrieval takes place about 36 hours after HCG injection.

   
   


7. 
   

   Embryo culture for 5 days.

   
   


8. 
   

   Embryo transfer of 2 blastocysts.

   
   


9. 
   

   Endometrial support using vaginal progesterone and topical estrogen.

   
   


10. 
    

    Pregnancy test 12 days after transfer.

    
    

Source:  http://www.ivfmd.net/Treatment/treatment2.htm

Well, that's really all I got.  I'm not having the same symptoms I was last time so that's good.  Must have been withdrawl from the other drug.  So this is much better.  Sorry I don't have more for you.  If there are questions you have let me know, I'll try to answer them!!

See ya!!

10DP3DT

A.K.A.  Blood test day...

Well there is no way to sugar coat it, it didn't work.  BFN!  *sigh*

So we jumped right back in.  I am currently on CD6.  Which if you remember is Birth Control Pills...again...I have my ultrasound on the 25th I think.

This time we are on a Flare protocol with Lupron. I am having a hard time explaining to the Pharmacist that my dosage is 425 of Follistim, please give me vials larger than 300 so I don't have to shoot myself twice.  Which means in the end I will be giving myself like 5 shots a day.  Stupid bitch.  I should come shoot her 5 times a day.

DANGER: RANT AHEAD.  YOU MAYBE BE OFFENDED...ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE DUMB-ASS I'M RANTING ABOUT.

In other news, we had a family member say the stupidest thing to the man a few days ago.  Said family member claims he reads the blog but clearly did NOT read the things you shouldn't say portion.  Remember don't give advice or make suggestions?  Try to be supportive?  Clearly not.

First he asked if we had thought of surrogacy.  Oh gee, like that was never brought up in the 3 IUI's and 3 IVF cycles you fucking dim wit!  It's that I! ME!  MYSELF! want to carry OUR BABY!  I WANT OUR BABY!  OUR BIOLOGICAL BABY!  CARRIED, BY ME!  Get it??  If it was that I just wanted any baby, I'd have adopted already.  So before you open your ignorant mouth again, don't bring up adoption.  Yes we have heard of it.  Yes we have considered it.  No we are not ready for that step, not that it's any of your fucking business.   He then proceeded to VOLUNTEER SOMEONE that he never spoke to, by the way to be our surrogate!!  Thank you very much!  This man has no sense of boundaries.  Oh but wait, there's more...He says next,  You know the odds are stacked against you.  YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING MORON.  DO YOU THINK WE DON'T KNOW THAT??!!!  Would we BE HERE if we didn't know that?  Can I get you some salt to pour in our gaping wound?  I've put up with his inane, stupid comments for years.  Watched him insult and alienate people right and left.  You know what?  I'm done.  I will not have anything to do with him anymore.  I may change my mind in the future, but for now.  Fuck off!  Don't call, don't write.  You are not welcome around me.  I don't need the negativity in my life. I have enough to worry about!  Who is this asshole you ask?  If you know us, you know who.  I'll give you three guesses, but you're only gonna need one.

Next installment will be...I don't know.  Maybe about the new protocol.  Oh and the kittens are soooo cute!

9DP3DT

Also known as "The Day Before the Blood Test".

I didn't really have anything planned for today's blog.

I guess the word for now is bitter.  I'm bitter.  But I couldn't be bitter if I weren't heart broken.  Yes, I am already heart broken.  Honestly, I don't even want to go tomorrow.  Why bother?  I'm angry and sad.  I'm crying at the drop of a hat.  The man asked when I want to go tomorrow, I finally decided, as early as possible.  Rip off that band-aid.  The nurse will call, and tell me what I already fear.  Then I can get on with the rest of my grieving.  It's like hitting your funny bone, there the initial pain but then the real pain comes in the second wave.

What do you do when you are immersed in that kind of pain?  Pain attached to the knowledge of the three embryos you transferred in are dead.  That would grow and become people you created from love.  People that you would in turn, love and raise and nurture.  Embryos that would probably thrive for someone else.  I guess you push through it or you let it consume you.  Right now, it feels consuming.  I don't know what to do about that.  I want to give in to the pain.  Sink down and let the acrid, viscous agony envelop me.

You find yourself praying and begging.  "Who would know if you performed one little miracle.   No one actually knows if the embies survived or not, who's to say they didn't?  Can't I have just one miracle?  It's not like I'm asking for world power or harm to come to someone.  I'm asking for what everyone else seems to have the right."

Then there brings in the question of if you can't bear children are you still a woman?  You don't feel whole.  You're unable to do "what you were put on earth to do."  Yes thank you I know this does not make me any less a woman but guess what, it doesn't make me feel any better either.  I also don't want any of those platitudes people are so fond of hurling whenever they hit a difficult situation and don't want to think.  Oh, you can live a full life with out children.  Ok. Sure.  Fine.  Give up yours then and tell me how full your life is.  Also don't tell me I can always adopt like this is something we have never thought of, give me a fucking break.  Or you can't miss what you never had.  That is one of the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  I encourage you to think before you speak.  Put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment before you open your mouth.  What would you want to hear?  T.H.I.N.K.!!!

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch but, *sigh*, get over it.  For a change I'm gonna be concerned about my feelings rather than yours.  I'm gonna take care of my self.  And if I want to piss, moan and bleed all over this post I will and I'm not sorry about it.  If your feelings are hurt, too bad.  Don't come back.  I don't need you.  I don't even want you.  Because guess what, this time it really is all about me and mine.

This is gonna be the last post for a while.  So, I'll see you when I see you.

8DP3DT

No surprises here.  Still spotting.  I'm starting to feel like a dalmatian.

Headache is trying to kick my ass and is winning...but I have a weapon...It's destiny is sealed.

Also, I wanted to say something about my post yesterday.  The part about not calling us...No, I haven't changed my mind.  I still don't want you to call us.  What I wanted to say is, it may take a few days for us to call you, maybe even longer.  If it's positive, I will want to get a few blood tests under my belt first.  If it's negative, I may want to wallow in the depths of my closet for a long while.  We do appreciate your concern and hope for us, but we will need time.  OK?  No hard feelings, right?  Good.

The kittens...are funny...

We had to leave today and we are supposed to keep them separate from our other two cats for a week.  Well we put them in the downstairs bathroom.  When we got back they were no where to be found, I mean like I was asking the man, "Are you sure they were in here when you shut the door?"  He was doubting it himself.

On a whim, I opened the closed drawer...BINGO!! I found Eight!  He opened the other, Six!  HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET IN THERE!!!!  Kontortionist Kitties!  We haven't laughed that hard in forever!  They were destined to be ours.  Little shits!

7DP3DT

So, color me surprised.  The spotting has seemed to have slowed.  Go figure.  I don't know what it means, if anything.  I mean there is still spotting so...

I've been waking with headaches the past couple of days.  Have managed to not take anything for them.  It's...annoying.  Also are body aches.  I'm not a big fan of those either. Oh well.

As the day grows closer to the test, the more fear I feel.  Honestly, I believe we're gonna get a BFN (big fat negative).  So I don't know why the fear is building.  Actual reality I guess.

On the day of the test, this is not gonna be the first place I unveil the results.  I will make phone calls to the immediate family before I inform the general Internet population.  Even then, the calls will not be made right away.  So, if you could please give us time to absorb the results and not start calling right away, it would be appreciated.  Don't call us, we'll call you.  :-)

In other news, Six and Eight are doing well, the vet checked them out gave them their shots and deworming goo.  They are both girls.  When they are less skittish, I'll get pictures of them up.  I predict Eight will be the first to try to pull and Michael Scofield out of the downstairs bathroom.  I think she is the one who figured out how to open the cupboard and made a cozy little bed for the two of them in there.

Well, it's late and I have to get up early so, that's all for now.

6DP3DT

Well, what do you think happened today?  Yup.  Same. Damn. Thing.  At this point I'm like, "Whatever."  I do wonder if this has something to do with the year round spotting I was having that no one seemed that concerned about but me.  Like I said, I don't know how they can stick, if I'm bleeding all the fucking time.  Maybe they implanted before the bleeding started.  Who knows.  I called the nurse today and she told me just what I thought she would.  Nothing to do.  Wait for the blood test.  At least now I feel like I've done all I can.

On a completely different note, we went to the movies to see The X Files.  It was great.  The man said to me, "You are soooooooo Scully!"

I pouted and whined, "But I want to be Muuuuuuuuldeeeeeeeeeeeer!!"

"You know what you have to do right?"

At this point I quote the movie which I will not do here in case you haven't seen it.

As we are driving away, the man says, "What is that?" and stops the car in the middle of the parking lot and gets out.  I'm like what the hell?  I look and see a pair of glowing eyes.  I look again they belong to a black and white kitten.  So I get out of the car.  Then people want to leave the movies so I re-park the car and we spend an hour trying to catch 3 kittens.  (anyone see the coinkidink?)  I caught two of them, luring them with peperoni sticks and the third, the runt, when I finally caught him.  KICKED. MY.  ASS!  Dude was wailing!  Even, who we think was the mama kitty, came out to check the scene!  But she didn't fight.  She just walked away.  So when I was tired of being beaten up I finally let him go.

"I guess he stays with mama."

"What should we do with the others?"

"I feel bad taking them from each other."

"They'd have a better chance with us."

I look at the man, I can see I have lost this argument.  He is such a softy...

I debate it with him for like 30 seconds, my heart isn't in the debate, they are awfully cute.

So now we have two kittens  we may or may not keep.  One is a calico and kooky and one is a black and white tux.  Toooooo cute!  And big eaters! lol.

We have tentatively names theme Six and Eight.

5DP3DT

I guess, mornings are just bad for me.  Went to bed feeling more positive about everything.  I had the goofiest dreams last night I had intended to share.  Then woke up to more spotting, a lot of it, which has tossed me right back into despair.  So I cried for a bit and have decided, eventually, I'll get used to the disappointment and it won't be so bad and I'll feel like talking to people again and reclaim my life.

Being in the predicament we are, I tend to notice a lot of "baby" things.  Pregnant women, TV shows revolving around pregnancy, stores, adds, all kinds of things.  Some of them even give me a little hope.  Lately there seems to be an excess of it.  Part of me wants to be optimistic and say it's a "sign", the other part feels like it's the universe mocking me.  It really hurts.  I don't know how to stay positive when I feel this bad.  Do you?  Honestly, I already feel like I'm mourning the loss for this cycle, I'm trying not to, but it feels hopeless.  With any luck, I'm just hormonal and will be pleasantly surprised.  (see, I'm trying :-) )

So what do I do?  I'll get up and try to ignore the nagging doubt and underlying current of fear and go about my day on auto pilot.  If I can't manage to do that, and right now, it does't feel like I can, I'll just crawl back into bed and try to sleep through it.  I don't know what else to do.

50 min later:

The other thing to do apparently is to sob uncontrollably all morning.  Maybe this is pent up anxiety and fear.  Maybe this is mourning the loss of the Amigos.  Maybe the crying will purge my system of all things bad and toxic and things will be  brighter on the other side.

Hour after that:

I've stopped crying...for now.  I feel a bit better.  Resigned, but not mourful, well not that mournful.

Afternoon:

So, some conversations, some errands run, and a ginormus banana slurpy later...I'm tired.  Somewhat better, but tired.

The man said the most amazing things to me today.  He was quoting thing to me that were beautiful, I didn't want to tell him what a mess I was.  Finally I did.  Told him about the spotting, which to me is more like blood loss, and he said maybe they were both implantation spotting.  Maybe two implanted that's why it happened two days in a row.  That made me feel so much better.  I am willing to grasp at any straw.



I mean if Mulder and Scully can have a baby and they took ALL her ova, then I should be golden, right? Yeah ok, she did give birth to some sort of alien/human hybrid super soldier, but I figure that's a small price to pay...

My mood has improved.  Thanks to the man.  He's good to me.  Tomorrow will be another test.  Hopefully I will not freak out and have another meltdown.  We don't want it to be another one of those days.

How bad was it?  It was a two slurpy day.   Just sayin...

4DP3DT

A.M. Thoughts

I woke this morning with more cramping and spotting heavier than I would have liked to see.  It didn't look like new blood (I know TMI) which makes me feel a micro bit better.  But, it feels a lot like AF showing up.  Looks a lot like it too.  I have the same thing happen right before it shows, like a few days before.  I guess the most optimistic thing I can say about it is, the sooner my period starts the sooner we can start on the next cycle.  Sound like I've given up?  I think I have.  Why would it work this time?  Hasn't the other two times.  I know I'm emotional, hormonal and not the most rational right now, but what I think is at the root of it is, if it doesn't happen this year, it won't happen.  The insurance is gone.  The money is gone.  It's over.  I guess I must have been a really evil person in a past life or maybe this one because it seems someone feels I'm not deserving of a child, which is so unfair to the man, and I'm so sorry for that.

Well, I have to go administer the progesterone, although I feel like, "What's the point?"

Afternoon Thoughts:

Spotting stopped...that's good...probably.  Achy back, still in a mood though.  Talked to Best Friend, she cheered me up as always.

P.M. Thoughts:

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I ate too much!

3DP3DT

MY DAY!

6.30 A.M. Wake up, mind reeling.

6.35 A.M. Back is achy and I'm mildly crampy like PMS.

6.37 A.M. Convinced IVF didn't work.

6.45 A.M. Wonder about taking the Methylprednisolone.  Call RE, leave msg.

6.50 A.M. Feel hungry.  Have breakfast.

7.00 A.M. Check email and look for someone to assuage my fears.

7.22 A.M. No luck.  Crawl back into bed and try not to cry...Fail.

8.00 A.M. Nauseated.  Probably from antibiotic.

8.07 A.M. Contemplate Acupuncture...today.  Feeling desperate and panicky.

8.10 A.M. Go to bank, deposit check, buy box of Saltines.  Can't find 3 of our spare house keys.  Pissed!

8.15 A.M. Go back to bed.

11.30 A.M. Wake.  Feel somewhat better.

11.33 A.M. RE calls, answers question.

11.53 A.M. Lunch.

1.00 P.M. Feeling a bit better.

1.40 P.M. Scared it didn't work.

3.30 P.M. Tries to convince self symptoms are probably from progesterone.

Bloating; breast tenderness; constipation; cramping; drowsiness; fluid retention; headache; nausea; stomach pain; tiredness; vaginal burning or irritation; vomiting.

4.15 P.M. Prop tomato and peppers, added soil.

4.55 P.M. Clean refrigerator.  Realize it's because of my control issues and lack there of in situation and fear.

5.30 P.M. Whine at best friend.

6.00 P.M. Make dinner, don't eat, nauseated.

6.45 P.M Pick up man.

7.05 P.M. Man spies ripe strawberry I grew.

Me: Pick it!

Him: No

Me:  OK I'll do it.  (and do, handing it to him)

Him:  You grew this!  How did you do that?

Me: I really have no idea.

7.20 P.M. Eat Dinner.

7.55 P.M. More fear.

8.45 P.M. Sure IVF it didn't work.

8:50 P.M. Split strawberry.

9.15 P.M. Make chamomile tea.

9.30 P.M. Shower.

9.43 P.M. Drink tea and hope for calming effect.

11.25 P.M. Sure it didn't work.

11.33 P.M. Achy PMS type pain.  Very pessimistic.

Let me say, there is always this undercurrent of fear and tension.  When I note it, it's becuase it has turned into breath taking anxiety...  So, welcome to my day.

2DP3DT

Nothing really of note happened.  I had and appointment with my allergist. That's always fun.  I love my allergist.  I told him about the transfer on Saturday and he blessed my stomach!  HAHAAHHAHAHAAHA.  I think one of these days I'm gonna send him an invitation to have dinner.  I love that guy!

The only other thing that happened is I gave the 3 Amigos er Embryos their first taste of true junk food...JACK IN THE CRACK.  Mmmmmmmm...soooooooo gooooood!! And sooooooooo bad!  I know...but I just WANTED it!

Ok I lied, the other thing that happened to day is pain.  My insides hurt.  My ovaries where they drained hurt.  And every now and again the front of my tummy hurts just below my belly button hurts.  Sore from the retrieval I suppose.  After a couple of IVF cycles, I have found my insides are very sensitive.  I MAY even take some Tylenol tonight to help me sleep.  Haven't decided, I mean I can, I'm allowed but you know how it is...you want to do the right things...I know Jack wasn't the right thing but it was a yummy thing...

Anyway, that's about it unless you want to count my mind reeeeeeeeling!

1DP3DT (1 Day Past 3 Day Transfer)

I know I've been AWOL, but I've needed time.  The thing that surprises me is how tired I am.  I guess all the emotional stress has taken it's toll on me.  Honestly I feel like I could sleep for days.  You know what, maybe I will.  I can, so why not take advantage of it.

Retrieval Day:

You got part of that blog.  Having imbibed myself with gallons of liquid the day before, the nurse had no trouble finding my vain for the IV this time.  So I sit in pre-op waiting, reading a magazine, fawning over washers and dryers.  (This is how yo know you're old. lol)  The doctor who looks like she belongs on Grey's Anatomy, we'll call her Dr. O, comes over asks the usual questions, we chit chat a few seconds.  I told her I wrote about her in my blog.

Dr. O: Uh-oh

Me:     No, I said you looked like you belong on the cast of Grey's Anatomy

Dr. O:  Oh, thank you!

Disembodied Nurse Head From Behind Curtain:  I know doesn't she?!!  (head disappears)

We all laugh.

Me:  Now we just need to find Dr. McDreamy!

Dr. O:  I know!! Where's my McDreamy?!!!

Me: I don't know, but if you find McSteamy let me know!!

A few words with the very nice anaesthesiologist, then a bit later I walk into the OR.  They strap me down and put the mask on me.  If I have a choice, next time, no mask.  Give me the little nasal tubie thingie.  To claustrophobic for me.  Next thing I know, I'm out.  Now, it's only a general so there's no tube down the throat or anything and you are actually partially awake, but remember nothing. *shakes head* you'll see the humor in that later.

I wake up and they move me to a gurney and take me back to recovery.  They check me, make sure there is no excess bleeding.  There is some but they are not worried.  The expect it.  I get cleaned up and they leave me there to sort of come around.  The more I come around the more I hurt.

Nurse: You're frowning.

Me: Yeah.  I hurt.

Nurse:  Scale?

Me: About a 6

Nurse: That bad?  - she comes over pushes on my stomach

Me:  OUUUUCH!

Nurse: Well it's soft, so that's good.  Why don't I get you some pain killers.

Me:  OK.  (inside, NOW YOU'RE TALKING)

She gives me 25 whatevers of Phentenol (sp).  It takes the edge off for a little.  She comes back a while later.

Nurse:  How is it now?

Me: It was ok but now it's back.

Nurse:  Well you have had nearly a whole IV bag, your bladder is probably full, why don't we take you to empty it.

My bladder doesn't feel full but maybe the drugs are confusing me.  She walks me to the bathroom and I do my business. Which isn't a lot.  Glad I'm not that off.

Nurse:  Is there any bleeding?

Me: (happily) Nope.

We walk back to recovery.  She is hanging my IV again, and straightening the bed for me to get back in when I feel something on my leg.  I move my gown, look and I am dripping blood.  FUCK!

Me:  (FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!  But stating calmly) Um, I seem to be bleeding.

She looks over and goes into serious nurse mode gets me into bed and starts checking me out.  Goes to get Dr. O.  I hear them conferring and whispering, ad they come back.  Evidently, they also drained two endometriomas, and fluid and mucoid from my uterus.  They expected there to be bleeding.  What they are seeing is old blood so they're not that worried.  I'm so glad someone's not!  So they clean me up...again...and gave me more Phentenol and tried to make me more comfortable.  As before, it takes the edge off but that's about it.

Nurse:  I have a new plan.  I don't want to give you any more Phentenol because your respiratory signs are dropping.  I want to get you comfortable, get you in the car, and get you home where you can take vicodin.

Me: I love and support that plan.

After monitoring me for another half hour,  I get up and dressed and out.  I have vague recollections of getting home and having a conversation with my mother about sleeping on the couch.  The man fills my prescription and I spend the next couple of days drugged up.

Transfer Day:

I get up and go downstairs to make breakfast.  Take out bowl.  Get Cocoa Puffs off top of fridge.  Pour in bowl.  Get glass for orange juice.  Get milk and juice out of fridge.  Pour Cocoa Puffs into glass.  Look at glass.  Realize something is wrong, but can't quite figure it out.  Shit.  Pour Puffs into bowl.  Pick up glass, pick up juice in other hand.  Look at glass, look at juice.  Look at glass, look at juice.  Pour juice in glass.  Good.  Pour milk in cereal.  Put milk away on top of fridge...

Distracted much?

To do the transfer, you have to have a full bladder, helps push the uterus into the right position.  So I drink over a liter of water so by the time I get there, I have to pee so bad I might die and we are a half hour early.  So I cheat and pee.  Go up to the office continue to drink.  They call me in.  take an ultrasound of my bladder.

Another Nurse:  It's full.

Me:  I told you that already.

AN: I'm just gonna take a picture and show the doc.

She does and disappears forever.  Now, I am really uncomfortable and in pain.

Me:  I can't wait much longer.  I'm in pain.  I'm just gonna go empty it half way.

The Man:  Can you do that?

Me:  I don't have a choice.

We debate over this for another 5 minutes.

That's it!  I can't takes it no more!  I get up get dressed peek out the door. Coast is clear.  SNEAKY RUN down to the bathroom, pee like the wind, and empty half my bladder.  Get to the bathroom door, peek outside, coast still clear, RUUUUUUUUN back to the exam room!  TM and I laugh hysterically.

TM: You gonna tell the doc?

Me: Not if he doesn't ask.  I don't want to get in trouble.

A while later the doc comes in.

Doc:  Hello!  So your bladder is too full.

Me to my self (not anymore)

Doc: So we need you to empty it.  I want everything to go smoothly.  Did you empty it partially already.

BUSTED!  Me:  Yeah.

Doc:  That's good.  Now, go back, do a slow count to 12 and then stop.  That should leave plenty.

Me: Really?  Ok...

The doc leaves to go attend to something probably the Assisted Hatching with the embryologist.

Me:  I'm pretty sure there will be nothing left if I count to 12.

TM:  Good luck!

So I go to the bathroom.  Do my business, count to 12 and amazingly, bladder not empty!  Guess that's why they call him doc!  I go back to the room and wait.  Doc and AN come back do some ultrasounds, make sure the mucus is gone, things are cleaned up.  They are.  He goes in and does a little bit more house cleaning.

While he is doing that, I ask some questions, and he laughs.  Apparently, I was asking the same questions while I was "out".  He says, your not really unconscious, and you talk and stuff.  So it looks like I was telling Dr. O how pretty and smart she was and joking about Dr. McDreamy and then invited everyone over for a bar-b-que and cookies.  Gawd I'm such a dork.

Doc: (Laughing) No, no.  You don't tell any secrets or anything.

Ain't that a relief!

Doc:  All it says is your a very nice person.

I could die right now.

TM: That sounds like her.  Always wanting to feed people.

GAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!  I guess I am who I am...

Then, just like that, he's ready.  They bring in the embies.  With out any fan fare, transfer them into my uterus and he shows me the air bubble on the ultrasound.

Doc: There they are.  That is just an air bubble, they are too small to see but there they are.

And here they are...hopefully...my future:

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[caption id="attachment_127" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="The 3 Embryos"][/caption]

Day 16 Day Before Transfer

Nothing of note happened today.  I slept in really late!  I was very happy about that.  Nothing to get up for.  So nice.  I'm not in as much pain which is also nice.  Still hobbling though.  I guess when I'm laying around for the next few days, (becuase you know I'm fully gonna take advantage of this) I'll write up what the retrieval was all about.

CD 15 Day After Retrieval

I want to thank everyone for their calls and concerns.  As you could tell, I was not up to talking.  So here is the short long version...details to follow on a later post.

There was more pain than I had expected.

There was more blood than I wanted.

There were fewer eggs than I expected and wanted...4

On the upside of down, 3 of the 4 fertilized.

3 day transfer on Saturday, and I'll tell you what, if all 3 make it, I'm putting them ALL BACK IN!

So at this point, I don't want people calling, texting or commenting to me on all the dangers of transferring that many embryos.  I'm a big girl with a higher than average I.Q. I've read the statistics, I know the percentages.  I know about splitting and selective reduction.  So if you disapprove.  Keep it to your self. If you feel you can't, it will be deleted or you well be hung up on and never spoken to again.   Capiche?

CD 14 - RETRIEVAL DAY!!!!!

Well, I'm sitting here in the waiting room at my RE's.  It is hysterical to watch the men walking around with  paper bags containing their "genetic contribution" and looking all uncomfortable.  Every one in the waiting room looking at them like, "I know what YOU'VE been doing!"  Way too amusing.

9.15 AM

So all checked in, although I'm a little dismayed about it...I mean the woman knew I was here, talked to me, talked to the man...why wouldn't she just mark that I was here?  I went to the counter,

Me:  "I'm officially checking in."

Derogatory Nick Name:  "Oh OK.  You should have come up earlier, we're slow we could have got you rolling."

Me:  Utter confusion....*crickets*

Derogatory Nick Name:  "Ok, there you are...Thanks."

Whatev!

UPDATE: 8. 20 pm

Short story, it's done and it's disappointing.

Long story, I'll tell when I'm not hopped up on pain meds.

Thanks foreveryone's best wishes. They mean the world to us!

CD13-Retrieval T-Minus 1 Day

We are up at the BIL & SIL's house. They were gracious enough to allow us to spend the night so we didn't have to drive 2.5 hours to be at the clinic by 8.30 AM. Yuck.

So am I excited? No. Not really. Calm before the storm? Maybe. Not sure. I did have a moment where I was a bit excited but that's all. I was really excited my mom came down and helped me clean the house so I could convalesce and not have to stare at the disaster that was my house. Don't. Ask.

Since I will have an hour to kill tomorrow morning, I may try to blog a little if anyone wants to know. I just realized my email list is on my laptop and I am on SIL's computer...so no email tonight. LOL.

OK. I guess that's it. See ya later! Cross your fingers!

CD12/TRIGGER DAY

Antibiotic - Check.

HCG - T minus 2hours 25 minutes...

Mood:

Here is an example of my mood:

Last night I was watching a segment on 60 Minutes.  It was about a guy named John Kanzius.  He has invented a machine that may cure cancer.  They are having luck with animal test.  They are about 4 years out from human testings.  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN the research geeks talking about this machine!  (Don't get me wrong, I so luuuuuuuuuuuurv me some geeks!)  I haven't seen geeks on TV get that excited in...geeze, EVER!  It really is exciting I have to admit.  Anyway several time during the story I got all weepy.  "Oh my God!  They're actually gonna cure cancer!" weep, weep.

I am so fucking hormonal.

UPDATE:

Trigger -  Check.

CD11/SD11

I was right.

Tonight is my last dose of the stimulants and aspirin. (BTW thanks cuz for the aspirin!)

Monday night we start the antibiotic with dinner.  11.30 P.M. We trigger with the HCG.  Which is exactly 35 hours before retrieval.

Tuesday, more antibiotics morning and evening with food.  No eating or drinking for me after bedtime.  We will probably go stay at BIL & SIL's place they are closer to Stanford than we are.

Wednesday morning the man takes his last does of antibiotic.

8.30 A.M.  The man drops of his "Genetic Contribution"

9.30 A.M.  I check in.  (Notice I have to get up earlier becuase of him.  It's ok.  I checked with the doctor, I get good drugs.  Nananananaaaaaanaaaaaaa!)

10.30 A.M. Retrieval.

So that's the plan.  Then with any luck, they will fertilize and I will go back in 3-5 days later for the transfer.   Here is the best video I on Oocyte retrieval could find.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=60btZpQMEZg]

Here is one one assisted hatching.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=19iLtgR7ULQ]

And here is one of ICSI

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZBZIRQlL0n8&feature=related]

Well I have to go give myself the last of my stims.  So I'll see y'all later!!

CD10/SD10

I did nothing IVF related today (other than stab my self in the stomach with syringes repeatedly).  But forgot everything!!  Hormone related or am I just a dork?  I think the latter...

So here is what I think is going to happen.

Sunday:

A.M.:   Ganirelix
Noon:  Ultrasound
P.M.:    Follistim and Menopur

Monday:  

A.M.:    Ganirelix
P.M.:    Trigger

Wednesday:

Retrieve

I think...

CD9/SD9

My mood was better today.  So the appointment wasn't so bad.  Same ol' violation.  Poke, poke; lookie, lookie.  Could have 8-9 ready by retrieval day which may be Wednesday.  When we get closer, I'll put up some information on what happens.

I came home, ate lunch and was suddenly very, very tired.  I guess it takes more energy to grow a bunch of follies rather than 1-2.  They are so small, you wouldn't think it would take that much energy.   Or, I have had this stomach bug for a few days, I don't know if it's the side effects of the drugs or a bug, but that could be it too.  In any case, sleepy...zzzzzzzzzzzz...doughnuts....zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

CD8/SD8

I know I've been  a bitch these past couple of days, and to tell the truth, I'm still not over it.  But at least I'm blogging...

I go back in tomorrow for another violation ultrasound to see what's what.  They started me on the Ganirelix today.  Can I say...OW!!!  The needle does not play nice and the juice stings!!!  I don't like it.  But, whatever.  Dr doesn't feel we'll retrieve before Monday.  So tomorrow we'll see.

My mood is seriously bad.  Honestly, you know what I'm looking forward to?  The retrieval.  Why?  Because they will KNOCK. MY. ASS. OUT!  I just don't want to deal or think.  I'm seriously hoping for pain killers for after the procedure.  I'm REALLY sore for about 24-36 hours after a retrieval.  Not sure why, maybe just sensitive.  So it would be a nice bonus to be knocked out in addition to not being in pain.

And on a completely different topic, sort of...

Someone said to me recently, I can't remember who, "When life gives you lemons, throw them at people."  or something similar.  I like it.  Very violent.  How about squeezing the juice into someones eye!!!  That thought just makes me giddy!  As you can see...not better yet...

CD7/SD7

I have to go back Friday.  The results are disappointing to me.  We wont retrieve before Monday.

CD6/SD6

MENTAL HEALTH DAY

POSTING WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW

CD5/SD5

Well, I have 7-8 follies ranging from 5-10.  But, I'm told not to fret, it's still early.  So I go back in on Wednesday for another lookie-loo.  I hope more pop up.  It has me worried even if I'm not supposed to be.  The cyst I had is gonna be drained when they do the retrieval.  That should make things more comfortable for me.

I got some bad news today.  An online friend of mine had a heart attack and died Thursday.  I've been struggling with it all day.  She was only 34.  Has two small children.  The man came home from work and our usual greeting turned to me finally breaking down.

Talk about how unfair life is.  Some people want children so badly and struggle and fight for them.  Some may NEVER get them.  Then there are those who have a whole brood of babies they don't care about.  They do horrible things to them.  Abuse.  Abandonment.  Murder.  There are people who are wonderful parents and are taken too soon while others are left to perpetuate cycles of abuse.  At times like these I do question the motives of our higher power.  It makes faith a real struggle.  You want to scream at the powers that be, "WHY!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!  IT'S UNFAIR!! IT'S WRONG!  WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU GET TO DECIDE!!"  I can't imagine those questions will ever be answered.  Yes, I'm angry!  I'm angry at inequity and loss!  Sometimes I just want to break things!  I want THEM to hurt as badly as I do!  If they did maybe THEY would reconsider THEIR actions.

I could try to go out on a positive note, tell you to hug your loved ones, do all the things you keep putting off, blah, blah blah.  But I'm not feeling it.  Truthfully, all I really want to do is crawl into bed, stay there and weep.

Dawn, my girl.  Too soon, babe.  Too soon.  You so weren't done yet!    I miss you already.  I guess instead of being a mentor, you can now go and provide Spiritus ("the divine breath") to other writers.

Obituary:   http://www.ospreyobituaries.com/sitepages/obituary.asp?oId=250666&source=Belleville%20Intelligencer

Some of Dawn's Work:  http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/blackstump

CD4/SD4

I'm doing better today.  I called the RE Fellow on call this A.M. and she called in a prescription for me to help the migraine.  I think I love her.  I'm still not 100%, so I'm not gonna rant like I planned but I will bring up what had me astounded the other night.

Remember my mean little blind, knitting friend, the one who hits people with her cane?  Well, evidently she had company this weekend.  I'm not sure how it came up, but I get this email from her, she's on her cell phone, "I hate certain persons, especially when it comes to religion."  Uh oh.  Then I get an IM on Yahoo:

BKF:    I hate stupid people!!!
MWB:    oh no why?
BKF:    I have a fucker here pissing me off saying that you and pat need to adopt that you guys have no right
MWB:    no right to what
BKF:    I told him your God isn't right all the time look around fucker
BKF:    Ivf
MWB:    tell him when he gets elected god he can tell me what to do.
MWB:    what god didn’t make drs?
BKF:    Exactly
MWB:    self righteous bastard
MWB:    if he wants to live in the dark ages tell him to go find a nice third world country and kindly disappear and please don’t reproduce we don’t need any more narrow minded individuals in the world thank u
BKF:    I told him what if you were sterile and all your wife wanted was to have your baby
BKF:    He said then we'll adopt
MWB:    and that's a valid choice
MWB:    one we are not prepared to make yet
BKF:    I'm pissed off at narrow mindedness
MWB:    yeah
BKF:    I told him personally I've carried My Husband’s's babies and honestly if I couldn't I don't think I'd want to adopt
MWB:    does he have kids?
BKF:    No he's 30 and still a virgin
BKF:    Fucker
BKF:    I told Ed I didn't want him here this weekend
MWB:    tell his know it all ass to call me when he wants to have biological children and the possibility that he cant comes up
MWB:    tell him he should not speak of what he doesn't know
BKF:    He's got a whole idea of well it really wasn't meant to be thing
MWB:    mhmmm
MWB:    he ever been sick?
MWB:    ever been to a dr.
MWB:    had surgery
MWB:    fixed a car
BKF:    I.said I want to here from your future wife
BKF:    He's stupid totally stupid
MWB:    yup
BKF:    He's the one that landed the jet ski on the back of our boat and luckily the two in the back caught it and jumped otherwise they would’ve been hurt or dead
MWB:    idiot
BKF:    You know I'm all about what goes around comes around
BKF:    Hmmmmm I wonder what's coming around for him
MWB:    no one will marry him
MWB:    he'll die a virgin
BKF:    That's what I'm thinking too
BKF:    I love you you have the same mentality as me
BKF:    Are we broken or is it the world?
MWB:    the world


I fully expect by this point she has beaten him around the head and shoulders with her cane. *snicker*  Today the moron apparently did something else to piss her off involving her own kids.  Her husband is not happy either.  I'm guessing, he will never get an invitation back.  HAHA!

In other news, the shots are going OK.  Menopur still stings so I do that one first.  I'll see if I can manage to record myself mixing tomorrow so you can see.  I go in tomorrow so they can have a look at my follies.  Day 5 and all.  So we will see how they are developing.  I'm feeling a little full, bloated around my ovaries so my guess is they are growing or my insides are just swollen, which happens to me too.  I'm hoping for Type A follies!

Ok, that's all I got.  Thanks again to everyone for the great comments!  I really appreciate the well wishes and positive thoughts!

CD3/SD3

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="410" caption="MRI of Migraine"][/caption]

I had a whole big rant scheduled for this post but alas, a migraine has taken the wind out of my self righteous sails.  So rather than get my rant on, I'm gonna go get my migraine fight on.  My migraines are hormone based so I am not that surprised.  So did I plan ahead and call any of my many doctors to get a solution for it?  Of course not.  It was always, next time,  or later.  Well, that's what I get for procrastinating.  I guess I'll call them tomorrow.  I think I'll call the RE since they know what they want in my system and what they don't.  So, hopefully, I will be much better tomorrow and ready to rant about ignorant people.

CD2/SD2

Cramps from Hell - Looks like a duck.

Fatigue from Hell - Quacks like a duck.

Must be a duck.

Ergo - I'm in Hell!

So the Menopur didn't really sting this time so it must have been operator error; stabbed myself in the wrong place.  (Stab Stab - That's for you Sci!)

When I wasn't sleeping I was having an OK day.  So, that was good.  But the later it got, the more tired I got, probably the more hormonal I got, the more doubt and fear slipped in.  Mainly, what if it doesn't work?  BIG FEAR!  For a couple good reasons I don't have the emotional where-with-all to go into right now.  I know, I'm hormonal, moody and tired.

It. Will. Be.  Fine.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Ok, enough of that...here's a funny story.

I have this friend, we actually met on-line.  She's legally blind.  When we go out together, I don't let her take her cane with her.  No, I am not sadistic or mean!  I have self preservation skills!  She likes to hit people with her cane.  And unless I am on Lupron, I a not up for fighting fools!  This is one of the reasons I like her so much, actually.  (This is important to the story, I swear.) We met on a knitting forum.  She knits the most amazing stuff.  Stuff I can't do and I can see fine!  She asked me what knitted stuff I wanted for the baby.  I said everything.  All their clothes should be knit!  Well, that should use up about a quarter of her yarn stash.  That is no joke!  Anyway we were on-line last night yakin' it up.

Knitting Friend: "So are we going to the knitting convention in February?"

OK don't laugh we try to go every year.  It's fun.

Me:  "Planning on it...Oh wait, I should be VERY pregnant by then."  I do the math.  "Oh yeah, it should be fine."

Knitting Friend: "Can you see it now?  Me with my cane, pushing your too pregnant ass in a wheel chair?!!"

Hysterical laughter ensues.

I tell the man about the conversation.  More hysterical laughter, "I WOULD go to see that!"

Cue more laughter!

On that note, I guess I'm out.

Read more >> Options >>

Cycle Day 1/Stimulant Day 1 (CD1/SD1)

Tah Dah!!!!.  All went well at the doc today.  I hurled my questions at her like they were the last words that would ever leave my lips and she answered each one with out batting an eye.  I like that.  She assuaged all, well a lot of my fears and said my size 1 cyst was on the outside of my ovary so she could give a crap about it.   Yay me!  BUT!  She wanted to make sure so she sent me for a blood test to check my Estradiol Level.  They wanted it under 60.  Woot!!! I was.  What was it?  Click here----> X *snicker*

Anyway, I didn't get the number until I got home later and she said to go ahead and start the stims.  So what are the stims and how much am I taking?

Follistim - 425 IU:  This is a problem because the vials the pharmacy gave me are all 300 IU's, and you can only use one vial at a time, so you guessed it, I have to give myself at least 2 shots of this to get the right dosage.  Good thing it doesn't hurt, or at least I hit a spot that didn't hurt this time.  So what is the drug?

Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is a naturally occurring hormone. FSH is important in the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Follistim is a brand of follicle stimulating hormone.  Follistim is used to stimulate a follicle to develop and mature. It is used when a woman desires pregnancy and her ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is not sufficient to make the follicle mature. Follistim is also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="275" caption="Follistim Pen and Cartridge"][/wp_caption]

Menepure - 150 IU:  The vials come in 75 IU's so I have to mix them with a regular syringe to get the right amount, so only one shot!  This one stung a bit though... I wonder if it was my ineptitude or the drug actually stings.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow.  Anyway...ONE SHOT!! Woot!   What is this drug?

Menotropins are an equal mixture of the naturally occurring follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). FSH and LH are important for the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Menotropins are used to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg) when a woman's ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is deficient. Menotropins are also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="Menopur"][/wp_caption]

I'll make a video of me prepping the shots so you can see what I mean.  Do you want to see me give my self the injection as well?  Let me know.

Bottom line?  They help me produce many eggs.  Essentially...I'm a chicken...

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="177" caption="Black Hen on Eggs"][/wp_caption]

Hahahahaha get it?  Get it?  Black hen...eggs...no?  Geeze you guys suck!

Cycle Day 23

To obsess or not to obsess...Well, it's me so of course it's to obsess.  What's my latest bent?  Well 3-Day versus 5-Day transfer.  I'm debating with myself over how technical to get about this...hmmmm.  Fuck it.  I'll just see where it leads me.  As I understand it, if the fertilized eggs make it to good grade (1 or 2), and 8 cells by day 3, they will transfer it to another medium to grow to blastoycyst stage.

Numeric grading systems for multicell embryos usually have 4 levels:

Grade 1: even cell division, no fragmentation
Grade 2: even cell division, small fragmentation
Grade 3: uneven cell division, moderate fragmentation
Grade 4: uneven cell division, excessive fragmentation

Article by T. Timothy Smith, MD IVF Timetable and Embryo Grading

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="3-Day 8 Cell Embryo"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="5-Day Blastocyst"][/wp_caption]

My question is, what if the cells don't make it to 8 by day 3 and they decide to transfer on day 3 anyway, who's to say that they would develop any further in my uterus?  The fertilized egg doesn't usually make it to the uterus until day 5.  On day 3 they are still in the fallopian tube.  So does putting them in a place they are not supposed to be in for another couple of days risk the eggs?  If you keep them in the new medium, which is more like a fallopian tube environment for the 5 day transfer, does it give you better odds?  If they are not developing after 3 days doesn't it mean that there is a genetic problem?  Is transferring them on day 3 just taking the emotional responsibility off the RE?  The embies don't make it to day 5 so the couple screams, "Your lab screwed up my embryos!!"  Or are they in a back room somewhere shaking their collective heads at the poorly developed cells snickering, "Well, lets just transfer them since they aren't gonna make it anyway that way she will think it's her fault and not ours."  Is the reason they predominately do a 3 Day transfer because of insurance companies.  Does the extra expense and time it takes to nurture to the blast stage make it a financial decision rather than a scientific one?  Are they too large a clinic for them to bring it to blast effectively because they do so many procedures?  I told you I was obsessing.

My next not so heated obsess?  Well I guess it's not really an obsess more of a query.  Why didn't they put me on Lupron this cycle?  Curious...

My third obsess, Assisted Hatching.  To hatch or not to hatch?  What is it?  The embryo is first placed in a petrie dish containing culture solution. A special pipette is then used to hold the embryo in place. The embryologist takes a hollow needle that contains an acidic solution and places it next to the zona pellicuda. A tiny bit of this acidic solution is released from the needle so that it comes into contact with the zona pellicuda. ( I understand they are beginning to use lasers, too)  This acidic solution begins to slowly digest the protective layering, creating a small hole. The embryo is then washed in a special solution and placed back inside an incubator until the embryo transfer can take place. It seems to me if assisted hatching increases pregnancy rates why wouldn't you do it all the time?

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="Assisted Hatching"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="350" caption="Hatched Blast - Go little blast GO!!!"][/wp_caption]

I was reading about the reasons to do assisted hatching:

1. Where the woman is over a certain age (37 ick!).  --OK. That's me...


2. Egg quality and quantity.  Where the woman's FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone: 1- Hormone produced by the pituitary gland responsible for stimulating the growth of the follicle that surrounds the egg. FSH on CD3 of menstrual cycle is important in evaluating ovarian reserve.) hormone is high.  --Not sure about that, I think mine was.


3. The Z factor.  Where the Zona Pellucida (the outer covering of the egg...the shell) is thick.  --I have no idea...


4. Previous failed IVF attemps. --This is IVF #3

So, when I checked my paperwork, they don't have me down for assisted hatching.  WELL WHY THE FUCK NOT!!!  The poor doctor is soooooooo gonna get an ear full from me tomorrow.

Last obsess, what if they don't like the size of my size 1 follicle?  I have never been a size 1 anything...maybe shoe...Now, I'm complaining because I have something that is a size 1 and it too freaking big.  How wrong is that!!!!!  This is not going to be a very good night...

In other related news...you notice we are on Cycle Day 23 and Cycle Day 1 again...I'm tired, crampy, headachy...but no CD1.  Maybe tomorrow.

I was just re-reading this post and can you please add PMS to my "In other related news" list?  Sheesh...maybe it's a good thing I'm not on Lupron.  I might start killing fools.  The doctor was probably afraid for his life!

Cycle Day 22

Although, I'm really mostly posting about Cycle Day 17...AKA...HYSTEROSCOPY DAY!! *cue fanfare*

Ok, so the day starts ok.  I'm all packed for my weekend camping trip, we pack the car and head to the RE's office.  We're due for a 12:00 Check in for a 1:00pm procedure.  We are about half way there at 11:00am when I get a call on my cell phone.

"This is the RE's office, may I speak to MWB (Mommie Wanna Be) please?"

"This is she..."

"Hi, we have you scheduled for an 11:00am procedure with a 10:00am check in and you're not here."

"No, you have me scheduled for a 1:00pm procedure with a 12 Noon check in."

"Where did you get that information?"  I kid you NOT that is what the bitch said to me.

Getting up on my high horse, "On the paper work YOU gave me."

"I see.  Can you give me a minute to check on that?  Oh wait, can I just call you back?"

"Sure thing."  I hang up the phone turn to the man and repeat the conversation.  His face is blank.  I know what he is thinking, How will this affect my camping trip? Next I pull up my computer and look at the scanned document.  Yep 12 noon.  Shortly there after, I get a call back.

"You're saying no one called you to reschedule your time?"  Like I'm lying!!!  You do understand you can't eat or drink at all before the procedure... wouldn't I want to move it up so I could eat before 3PM???!!!

"Yes.  No one called me.  I got no messages."

"Hmmm...OK.  Well why don't you come in at the regularly scheduled time."  Like she's doing me a favor!!!

"Yes that will be fine."

A little while later at the RE's office...

BFF, "So you never got a phone call?"

"No.  Not a one.  Not a message or anything."

"That's odd, because she said she spoke to you."

WHAT LYING BITCH SAID THAT!!!!! "No.  She is mistaken.  She must have talked with someone else.  I mean doesn't it make sense I'd want to come in earlier for this?  It's not like it's any inconvenience."

BFF looks sceptical, I'm not sure if it's she doesn't believe me or she has concerns about whoever the lying bitch is who SAID she talked to me.  "Yeah it does."

"Maybe she just THINKS she talked to me because she misses me so much."  I quip.

BFF laughs.  Later I find out they are having a BBQ.  Probably why they wanted to reschedule so badly.  She must have lied to clear the books.  To hell with the worried woman on an IVF schedule because she is infertile and may never have her own biological child.  Bitch.

Later after the intake and instructions, I am in the preop room where they have to give me an IV.  Well, boys and girls, lesson one, if you have not eaten or had anything to drink all that day, you are dehydrated and it makes finding a vein very, very, very, very hard.  Yes I used four very's.  Why?  Because they tried to impale me FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES IN FOUR DIFFERENT PLACES!!!  Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and am a good sport!  They started out on my left hand, and didn't just poke and run, they had to wiggle it around in there awhile before they decided it wouldn't do.  Then they moved to my left wrist where they repeat the process.  Next moving to my right arm, not even at the elbow, lower on the sensitive part where they had so much fun the first two times they repeat it.  Yes there were two nurses.  Then finally my right hand where they did it all over again.  It took them over 30 minutes to get a vein!!!!  I won't lie.  Hurt like fuck!!  You can see my right hand was already starting to swell...



They get the IV in me and start an Advil like drug that is long acting like 8 hours to help with the cramping later in case I have some...in case I have some...in case I have some... *shakes head*

I walk into the OR and have to put my legs in some medieval torture device to keep them apart for the lookie loo.  Totally humiliating.

The doctor comes in and she looks like an extra for Grey's Anatomy.  Unbelievable.  Insult to injury.  We do the ultrasound first, she spies my cysts.  Looks a bit concerned so I start asking questions.  What do you see?  Every thing ok?

"You have a couple of large follicles."

"Yeah I know."

"How big were they?"

"Don't remember." heh "How big are they now?"

"About 1."

"Oh cool!  They were over 4!"

"OH Good!!  They are going down then!  Good!"

Next we prep for the Hysteroscopy.  Lemme break it down for ya.  Essentially, they take a camera and a hose, shove it up your hoohoo, and turn your uterus into a water balloon and take pictures of the experience.  Cramping?  Yes.  They were really good about it too.  "No need for you to suffer.  If your in pain tell us!"

"PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"

"That a girl!"  Nurse pushes more drugs.

Goooooood nurse!  I forgive you for turning me into a human voodoo doll.

So looking around my uterus, all looks clean.  Geeze, should be...

Back in the recovery room, they give me some apple juice and Graham crackers for being a good little pin cushion/water balloon and wait for my blood pressure and heart rate to go down before letting me go.

Conclusion?  I have to go back Thursday for an ultrasound to make sure the cysts are still shrinking.  I hope they are...I'm not convinced.  But if that goes well, then it will be Stim Day 1.

OMG!!  FIREFOX TOTALLY CRASHED ON ME AND I THOUGHT I LOST THE WHOLE POST!!!  FUCKTARDS!

Anywho...instead of posting them here, I'll link you to where all the pics of my hands and stuff are if you want to see the swelling a bruising.  My advice to you, if you ever have to do anything like this where you need an IV, and you can't eat or drink for a long time before hand, drink like a fish the day before so you stay hydrated and they can find your veins.  The nurse told me that.  Wish I'd have known that sooner...

IV Infamy

Saturday I was the last day of the birth control pills so somewhere around the 9th should be CD1 all over again.  We shall see.  Other than that, that's all I have to say!

Thanks again to everyone with their comments and tales, I really appreciated it.

Would I go camping after something like that again?  HELL to the NO!!.  I was a mess Friday.  Got up decided I needed a do over, went back to bed and got up again.  Saturday, the day we are supposed to go to the river, I wake up with a migraine!!!  I can not thank "D" enough for sharing her drugs with me.  If she hadn't I would have ended up in an ER for sure.  I had NOTHING strong enough for it.  God bless that woman!!!!  And never go camping in a confined space with someone who snores!  Well I'm just FULL of advice today!!  Anyway.  Don't do it.  It's more trouble than it's worth.  Your tired, achy and there is no real bathroom, or Internet connection.  Bad deal.  ;-)

Stay tuned for more exciting tales...