The Doctor Is In

The man read my last post and came home and gave me this!

Surgery Part Deux

So, time for the second round of surgeries.  I was just reading over previous posts and glad to see, I am consistent in my fear.  Good Lord.  Yeah I went through the SAME. EXACT. EMOTIONS.  last week.  I forgot I felt this way last time.  Memory is a funny thing.

So, they are gonna remove the other tube, cysts, appendix, the endo and maybe do a bowel resection.  They won't know until they dig in.  I'll probably be in for 2 nights.  I only stayed one night last time and in retrospect should have stayed an additional night.  I'm not a good invalid at home.  I can't sit still.  It's also why I can't do my own nails.  Can't sit still.  I also can't have on nail polish for the surgery.  Bummer, dude.  But I digress...

If the do the resection, that will probably keep me in for another couple days.  I have a list of stuff I'm bringing with me, since I know I will be staying this time.  Last time my hospital roommate took up for me and got me stuff like a tooth brush and stuff.  I hope I'm that lucky again she is an amazing woman.  Anywho...I was wondering if there was internet connection, so I go searching the website to find this...

"What to Leave at Home

Please leave at home your valuables such as jewelry, large sums of cash, cell phones, laptop computers, pagers or video equipment. Electronic appliances (excepting shavers and hair dryers) are not permitted in patient rooms for safety reasons."

*Blink. Blink. Blink.*

YOU. MUST. BE. SHITTING. ME.  The HELL I'm not bringing my laptop and cell phone!!!  I have movies all picked out to watch!! Humph!  We'll just see about THAT!!  Have I mentioned I'm not a good invalid?  I don't sit around well.  *sigh*

Anyway, so I have to do the "Cleanse" again... *shudder*  I'm gonna stay home this time.  Even though my check in time is 5 freaking 30 in the morning.  Surgery at 7:30 which means while Obama is swearing in, I'll be out.  Super bummer.  I'm Tivoing it, but still, it's not the same.

So, if y'all are so inclined, holla at a sista.  You can reach me HOPEFULLY on my cell or try The Man's.  He'll be with me mostly or tell you my room number or whatever.  Don't worry, if I don't feel like talking, I won't answer the phone so, don't think you're disturbing me!  LOL.  Or better yet!! Come by and bring REAL broth!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Cycle Day 8

*Sigh*  Last night was a tough night.  I couldn't sleep.  I don't know if I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing or my mind was racing because I couldn't sleep.  Doesn't really matter I guess.  So what was my mind busy with?  The short answer...Fear.

Fear that this cycle wouldn't work.  Fear it would never work.  Fear of all that that means.  How how I would deal with that?  What would I do?  I lay in bed, (lie in bed? whatever) staring at the ceiling.  The room is dark, meaning there are no lights on.  Dark isn't really dark you know.  Not in populated areas.  You can still see.  I don't know what I expected to appear.  Specters laughing at me?  Mocking me?  Pitying me?  But the only thing I saw were shadows.  When my hair was wet enough, I looked around the room.  I never really thought about he phrase, "Silent Tears."  Now I understand it.  I let tears slip from my eyes where they disappeared into my hairline.   I thought about stopping them.  I thought about getting up and going to another part of the house and wailing.  I settled on turning over, taking a tissue and planting it so the tears would be caught without soaking my pillow.

I would talk about my fears in more detail, but quite honestly, I'm not ready.  Way too close.  Way too painful.  I won't even go into the outside imagery that contributes to the pain.  But I figure admitting you have the pain is the first step.  Confronting it and admitting it to others I think must be like step 700 or something.  So when I get my feet under me, maybe I'll talk about that more.

So tonight, I have taken three, yes three Extra Strength Tylenol to get rid of this splitting headache brought on by drug withdrawal, new medication, lack of sleep and crying.

How's that for keeping it real?  Enjoy some poetry...

Broken

by Cole Goodwin

Crack my eggshell heart on the spine of a book
Watch the bruised and scarred memories spill out in the light of day
Over the pages and into a cracked life
Pain hidden in the dark and under pressure
The book’s words demand their due

The tome's debt is paid with torturous memories
Vials of blood
Syringes of synthetic life
Aspirated hope
Inconsolable tears and unfathomable grief
All shed from denial of instinctual needs

Close the pages and return to lying
My world is ok, my soul is happy
Sweep the crimson mess under the smile
Return the empty shell to my chest.