Cycle Day 10

I spent last night obsessing.  No surprise there right.  Why?  Well, the reason I had a hysteroscopy the first time was because I had been spotting between cycles and didn't know why.  They did an ultrasound and found my lining to be 11.4.  It should have been less than 5.  So they scheduled a D&C and hysteroscopy to see if there were polyps, fibroid, tumors and other unwanted items that would be causing the bleeding.  Well tests and pictures came back clean so what could it be?  She didn't know, thinks it's probably hormonal, check with my RE.  So, after the D&C I didn't have a cycle for like 6 weeks or something so we induced with Provera.  Worked like a charm.  Then a month later I had my first natural cycle.  I am just off this cycle but I am still spotting.  Now, it doesn't take a genius to realize you can't drop in embryos in a uterus that is continuing to shed and cause spotting.  So, I started researching and discovered an underactive thyroid would cause this.  It would also cause some of the other issues I'm having.  The good news is, it is so easily treated that it wouldn't cause an issue with the IVF.  In fact it is one of the things they watch during the first weeks of pregnancy.  The baby relies on the mother's thyroid, so it grows to sustain the baby until it develops it's own after about 10 weeks, then shrinks back down.   So obviously, they have to keep that in check.  I called the RE today and asked two things.  1.  Did they do a full thyroid blood panel when they did the other blood tests.  2.  Would it be OK to go camping after the hysteroscopy.  Since there would be no running water or bathrooms.  I am concerned about pain, what bleeding might occur and infections.  I may still be able to go camping, but I probably won't get to float down the river.  That's fine.  I didn't get to last year either.  They said the nurse would call me back in the next 24 hours.  No call back today.  I'll call them tomorrow morning and tell them WHEN the nurse calls me back TODAY, to do so on my cell.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

P.S.

I'm out of town for the next couple of days, so there may or may not be any posts.  But, have no fear!  I shall return.  I know, I know.  You can breathe now.

Cycle Day 9

I have a couple things to talk about today that I forgot to mention yesterday.

First, I need to make another confession.  I'm apparently suffering from anxiety.  I guess that goes hand in hand with fear.  How did I come to this enlightening conclusion?  My hands hurt.  OK, stick with me...

My hands have been hurting.  Even with as much typing as I do, there is no reason for my hands to be feeling like this.  Honest.  I don't type THAT much!  Then, two nights in a row, I wake to me, gripping my blankets like it is a life line; the only thing coming between me and a long, painful drop onto sharp rocks covered in salt!  Why didn't I figure it out the FIRST night I woke up this way.  I forgot.  I've been tired lately, back off.  The second night I was like, "Ohhhhh..."  I'm not really sure how to deal with that. When I find myself doing that and I'm awake, (I SAID back off!!  I'm working through my denial!)  I just stop, stretch my hands, breathe, relax.  Not sure how to do that when you're sleeping...Any ideas?

Second

Yesterday we got a notice that my insurance had been canceled due to lack of payment in April.  WTF!!!  So we looked it up there was a payment in April and May.  There were other notices from them saying there was continuation of coverage blah, blah, blah...same old stuff...oh, that and the premium had gone up.  So I call them.  "Sorry ma'am, I don't see that your account has been cancelled.  Sorry for scaring the living shit out of you!  Is there anything else I can do?"

"No, thank you."  I hang up.  Can you believe that crap?  Like I'm not neurotic enough!!  You do remember the COST of IVF don't you???

THEN!!!!  They had the nerve to call me today to tell me my coverage had been reinstated.  WTF!!!  AGAIN!!  I stopped him in mid schpeal.  "Excuse me, you're telling me my coverage was cancelled and now is reinstated?"

"Yes ma'am.  Did I stutter?"

"No, but I do believe you're talking out of your ass.  Why the fuck did you cancel it, Ass talker?  May I call you Ass Talker?"

"Sure, call me A.T. for short!  I've been called worse.  But Um...I don't know why your coverage was canceled.  It doesn't say. But it's reinstated!  And the rates have gone up to..."

"Wait A.T.  Why the hell did the rates go up?"

Exasperated sigh, "Not becuase we were a bunch of dumbasses and cancelled your insurance for no reason.  The company just raised the rates since you are gonna be spending like $15,000 of our money.  They had to recoup it somehow.  So we are gonna make everyone pay."

"OK...  Will the new rates will be up on your site so I don't have to write down the number?"

"If you're that feeble, yes it will be up there."

"Whatever A.T., I hope you and your other Ass Talking clan, never find a parking space ever again!"

"Thank you, have a nice day."

"Bite me."

Third bit of information that came to me today.  The hysterosocopy... IS ON!!  Yes ladies and gentlemen, the film crew will be invading my uterus July 3, 2007.  Not sure of the release date, you know how it goes, editing, titles, music...all that Hollywood stuff.  I'm not sure of the pay, since I'm not in the union, but, I'd be happy with scale.  (Like I know what scale is...)  So, why are they doing it?  Well, apparently after reviewing the ultrasound, they saw a mucoid something or other on my lining.  I would go into it, but I'm really not sure what it means.  I don't know why it would be there.  Or really what it is.  I mean I kinda, sorta know what it is, but if you want to know what it is...here.  Trust me, there will be a lot of questions about this.

Anyway, I say to the nurse, "I'm ok with this.  I just wanted to know that there was a reason for the procedure, that you weren't just doing it becuase, it's like the military and you're just doing it becuase  you were orderd to. "

She found that funny.  Not sure why.

"Anyway.  I also just wanted to say, I know you don't like to knock people out doing this procedure in office.  The last time I had this done they did knock me out, by the way.  But I just want you to know I'm very anxious about this.  I know it is not a comfortable procedure."

Again she laughed.  Apparently, I'm hilarious and need to get a stand up job.

"So, I will show up wearing my big girl panties, but I just want everyone involved to know, I am anxious about this."

More laughter, "Ok.  Don't worry .  It will be fine."

I guess she gets this a lot and is not phased, which, on some level is comforting.  Oh well, I guess we'll see.

So, next Mondy we go do the IVF Orientation and Injection Training 12.45-4.00.  Gawd!  Oh, and we are supposed to bring two oranges to the injection training.  This cracks me up.  My hope is that they make us peel the orange before we start sticking it with needles.  I mean, if anyone has skin that resembles an orange, they really need to be seeing a completely different doctor.   Then we go back up on Thursday for the filming, check in 12.00 noon!  I'm ready for my close up!!

Cycle Day 8

*Sigh*  Last night was a tough night.  I couldn't sleep.  I don't know if I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing or my mind was racing because I couldn't sleep.  Doesn't really matter I guess.  So what was my mind busy with?  The short answer...Fear.

Fear that this cycle wouldn't work.  Fear it would never work.  Fear of all that that means.  How how I would deal with that?  What would I do?  I lay in bed, (lie in bed? whatever) staring at the ceiling.  The room is dark, meaning there are no lights on.  Dark isn't really dark you know.  Not in populated areas.  You can still see.  I don't know what I expected to appear.  Specters laughing at me?  Mocking me?  Pitying me?  But the only thing I saw were shadows.  When my hair was wet enough, I looked around the room.  I never really thought about he phrase, "Silent Tears."  Now I understand it.  I let tears slip from my eyes where they disappeared into my hairline.   I thought about stopping them.  I thought about getting up and going to another part of the house and wailing.  I settled on turning over, taking a tissue and planting it so the tears would be caught without soaking my pillow.

I would talk about my fears in more detail, but quite honestly, I'm not ready.  Way too close.  Way too painful.  I won't even go into the outside imagery that contributes to the pain.  But I figure admitting you have the pain is the first step.  Confronting it and admitting it to others I think must be like step 700 or something.  So when I get my feet under me, maybe I'll talk about that more.

So tonight, I have taken three, yes three Extra Strength Tylenol to get rid of this splitting headache brought on by drug withdrawal, new medication, lack of sleep and crying.

How's that for keeping it real?  Enjoy some poetry...

Broken

by Cole Goodwin

Crack my eggshell heart on the spine of a book
Watch the bruised and scarred memories spill out in the light of day
Over the pages and into a cracked life
Pain hidden in the dark and under pressure
The book’s words demand their due

The tome's debt is paid with torturous memories
Vials of blood
Syringes of synthetic life
Aspirated hope
Inconsolable tears and unfathomable grief
All shed from denial of instinctual needs

Close the pages and return to lying
My world is ok, my soul is happy
Sweep the crimson mess under the smile
Return the empty shell to my chest.

Cycle Day 7

Before we get started, please notice the poll to the right.  Please participate!

Mood:

Good, actually.  Most of the symptoms are subsiding.  I am pleased.  The cyst was angry again today, I guess it is fighting to stick around.  Either that or it is leaking...that would cause pain too.  I don't know.  We'll see.  I didn't get a chance to call the Clinic today about the Hysteroscopy.  I'll do that tomorrow.  I'm still hoping not to have to do the procedure.  So, still crossing my fingers.

If I may, and since it IS my blog, I will, I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone for the nice emails and cards.  Your kind words mean the world to us and they are greatly appreciated.

Today's topic!

Baseline Ultrasounds also known as, "Couldn't you at least buy me dinner and drinks first?"

Baseline Ultrasound:

I guess most people's vision of an ultrasound is you lie on a table the ultrasound tech or doctor pulls out a crescent shaped doodad, squirts cold, clear goo on your tummy and runs said doodad over your tummy and says things like, "Oooooooo!  Nice pancreas!"  (honest I got that once)  or, "Do you want to know what the sex is?" (the phrase I long to hear)

I tell you, how I long for those days, now I get Ultrasounds with this thing.

And THIS THING!

It's called a Transvaginal Ultrasound.  Transvaginal ultrasound is a type of pelvic ultrasound.  It is a method to look at a woman's reproductive organs, including the uterus, ovaries, cervix and vagina. Transvaginal means across or through the vagina.

How the Test is Performed

You lie down on a table with your knees bent and feet in holders called stirrups. (shaking head) The health care provider will place a probe, called a transducer, into the vagina. The probe is covered with a condom and a gel. ( again with the head shaking)  The probe sends out sound waves, which reflect off body structures. A computer receives these waves and uses them to create a picture. The doctor can immediately see the picture on a nearby TV monitor.  (I've gotten pretty good at reading these ultrasounds.  In fact, good enough I looked into Ultrasound Tech school.  There are none near me.  Sucks huh?)

The health care provider will move the probe within the area to see the pelvic organs. This test can be used during pregnancy.

In some cases, a special transvaginal ultrasound method called saline infusion sonography (SIS), also called sonohysterography or hysterosonography, may be needed to more clearly view the uterus.  (Yeah, been there, done that, pffffffft.)  This test requires saline (sterile salt water) to be placed into the uterus before the ultrasound. The saline helps outline any abnormal masses, so the doctor can get a better idea of their size.  SIS is not done on pregnant women.  (Uh, gee, ya think?)

So, they go in there, look around check out the uterine lining, fallopian tubes, ovaries and follicles.  Looking at the follicles is the exciting part. Hmmm...maybe that will another post, all about the stimulants and follicles.

Ok.  I guess that's it for today.  Tomorrow's topic?  I have no idea.  Suggestions?

Cycle Day 6

Let's see...

√     Headache
√     Cramps
√     Angry Cyst
√     Fatigue
√     Stomach Ache

Good!  Everything in order.

So, you all know what a hysteroscopy is?

Hysteroscopy:

Well class, basically, it is a diagnostic tool used to check out the the hotel (uterus).  You know, make sure the accommodations are good, everything is in place, no unwanted visitors, all the amenities are in working condition.  It's done with a hysteroscope, which is a thin telescope that is inserted through the front door (use your imagination) , past the lobby, (cervix) into the hotel room (uterus). Because the inside of the hotel room  is a potential cavity, like a collapsed air dome, it is necessary to fill (distend) it with either a liquid or a gas (carbon dioxide) in order to see.  How comfortable does that sound?

Usually unless a women has major medical problems, they do diagnostic hysteroscopy in office.   They numb the cervix, they say this is easily done and rarely uncomfortable.  I will have to take their word on that since the one I had, they knocked me the fuck out.  Thank you Dr. P!   They attach a video camera to the hysteroscope, so the patient can also see, and then insert the hysteroscope into the uterus under direct vision while using either saline or carbon dioxide to fill the uterus.  Usually this causes mild cramping.  ( Uh, ya think?!!)  They then can look for fibroids, polyps, and other problems that may be causing bleeding.  This often takes about a minute or two.  The hysteroscope is removed.  A small plastic tube may be used to take a sample of the lining of the uterus.  That's it!  Yeah, right...  I thought about putting pictures of hysteroscopy that show some of the stuff they are looking for, but I realize not every one has the stomach for it.  So I won't post those, or my own, even though my hotel room is clean as a whistle.   Which, by the way who came up with that saying?  Whistles seem very dirty to me...all that spit...yuck.  So let's say...clean as can be!  Woot!  Yay my uterus!

I know what you're wondering. Isn't that gonna hurt WAY too much to be done in an office?  They TELL ME, by being very gentle, and using local anesthesia, there is usually minimal discomfort during the procedure.  AND, most women are able to get up and return to their normal activities immediately.  They also say, if someone is very anxious, it is possible to give a short acting narcotic intravenously.  This makes it very unlikely that the procedure will be uncomfortable. OH YEAH BABY!! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!!  Sign me up!

They hysteroscopy I had was an Operative Hysteroscopy.  During operative hysteroscopy a type of hysteroscope is used that has channels in which it is possible to insert very thin instruments.  These instruments can be used to remove polyps, to cut adhesions, and do other procedures.   They had to clean out my hotel room.  Apparently the staff went on vacation and it needed a Dusting and Cleaning (D&C).  My lining was at like 11.4.  (should be less than 5) Oooops.  I am such an over achieving, pack rat.

So there you have it.  Hysteroscopy.  Love it!  Live it!  Embrace it!  Unless of course you had one in March and don't feel you need another...then sod it!

Cycle Day 5

Today's excitement?  Cramps, angry cyst and headaches.  Trifecta!  I guess getting off one drug and starting another gives you headaches.  I don't want to whine and complain all the time, but this is my chance to vent, too bad for you!  HA!  Ah another day in the life...

Ok, other than that, I got nothing. I mean you wanna hear me talk about how I punched out a little, white pill, out of a ugly brown pack...again? Yeah me either.

I thought I'd give you some stats on infertility, like:

From HealingWithNutrition.com:

Infertility, which affects as many as 1 in 6 couples, is defined as the inability of a couple to conceive a child after one year of unprotected sex and is usually diagnosed through medical interviews and physical examinations of both partners. Infertility can be caused by a wide variety of factors. One-third of the time the problem lies with the male, one-third of the time it lies with the female, and one-third of the time infertility is caused by problems with both the male and the female. Sometimes either the sperm or the egg are unhealthy or there is some sort of mechanical obstruction keeping the sperm from fertilizing the egg. Once an egg is fertilized it must be able to become implanted in the uterus and then the embryo must be healthy and have the proper hormonal environment in which to develop properly. Metabolic imbalances, stress, increasing age, smoking, alcohol, exposure to toxic chemicals and drugs, and nutritional deficiencies or excesses can all negatively affect fertility.

Male Infertility

About six percent of males between the ages of fifteen and fifty struggle with infertility. Male infertility can be caused by a variety of problems. Some of the more common disorders are listed below.

• Deficient Sperm Production: Ninety percent of male infertility is caused by the failure to produce enough sperm. Azzospermia occurs when no sperm is produced while olibospermia is diagnosed when few sperm are produced. Since most sperm are destroyed before ever reaching the egg, the more sperm there are the better the chances that one will successfully fertilize the egg. However, a low sperm count, or a total sperm count of less than 5 million/ml, does not necessarily mean that a man is infertile if the sperm that he does have are healthy, properly formed, and mobile. A low sperm count is determined by analyzing a semen sample. Over the last few decades, sperm count has been declining steadily. Many studies have linked this alarming trend to our modern high-fat, nutrient-deficient diet. Since sperm are highly vulnerable to free radical and oxidative damage, healthy sperm formation requires an adequate and ready supply of the proper nutrients and antioxidants. Other possible reasons for low sperm count include increased scrotal temperature (elevated temperatures hinder the maturation of sperm), varicoceles, environmental factors (pollution and exposure to heavy metals), and exposure to synthetic estrogens such as those found in birth control pills and in livestock.


• Varicocele: A varicose vein around one of the two spermatic cords can cause blood to pool in the testes; this, in turn, causes the temperature to increase in this area. Higher temperatures decrease sperm production and can lead to infertility. Fortunately, this problem can be fixed by surgery.


• Infections: Twenty-eight to seventy-one percent of infertile men show some signs of an infection of their reproductive organs. The presence of antisperm antibodies, which attack and destroy the sperm, are usually a good indicator that an infection is present. Of these infections, chlamydia trachomastis is the most common and the most serious. This disease is sexually transmitted and can damage the epididymis and the vas deferens in the male. Such infections are usually treated with an antibiotic.


• Ductal Obstruction: Blockage or damage to the spermatic tubes which is usually caused by a sexually transmitted disease, infections, or a congenital abnormality.


• Ejaculatory Dysfunction: These disorders are characterized by the failure to deliver sperm to the vagina. Impotence, or the inability to maintain an erection for intercourse, can be caused by a high fat diet (fatty deposits clog the arteries in the penis), by drugs used to treat high blood pressure, and by the nerve damage caused by diabetes.


• Other Disorders: Other disorders that can cause male infertility include abnormal development or damage of the testes (caused by endocrine disorders or inflammation), disorders of accessory glands, coital disorders, exposure to diethylstilbestrol (DES) a synthetic estrogen used in the 1950's and 1960's that caused cysts in the male reproductive tract, undescended testicles, and in rare cases genetic disorders such as a chromosomal abnormality.

Female Infertility

• Polycystic Ovarian Disease: This disease is the most common cause of ovulation disorders in women and is characterized by the presence of many minute cysts in the ovaries, by excess production of androgens, and by infrequent periods (obliomenorrhoea) or absent periods (amenorrhoea). The failure to ovulate is the most common cause of female infertility and can occur for no apparent reason or as the result of stress, hormonal imbalances, and various diseases and disorders of the reproductive system (some of which will be described below).


• Age: After the age of 30 the quality of your eggs begins to diminish, and it becomes harder to become pregnant and carry a fetus to term. The older a woman is the more likely it is that her eggs will have chromosomal abnormalities.


• Pelvic Inflammatory Disease: This infection of the reproductive tract can lead to blocked or damaged fallopian tubes and is usually caused by sexually transmitted disease, miscarriages, abortions, childbirth, or an intrauterine device.


• Ovulatory Dysfunction: This disorder occurs when a woman's ovaries are not producing eggs or are producing fewer eggs than usual because of age, hormonal imbalances, or other problems.


• Uterine Fibroids: These benign uterine tumors occur in 40% of women and can interfere with embryo implantation or fetal growth.


• Endometriosis: This disorder occurs when the tissue which lines the uterus (the endometrium) grows into growths or lesions outside of the uterus (usually on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus; the area between the vagina and the rectum; the outer surface of the uterus; the lining of the pelvic cavity; the bladder, bowel, vagina, cervix, vulva, and in abdominal surgical scars). In sync with the menstrual cycle, this tissue builds up, breaks down, and sheds each month; but unfortunately, it has no way of leaving the body. As a result it causes internal bleeding, breakdown of blood and tissue from the lesions, and most often inflammation which can cause pain, infertility, scar tissue formation, adhesions, and bowel problems. The cause of this disorder is unknown although there are many theories.


• Prenatal Exposure to Diethylstilbestrol (DES): DES is a synthetic estrogen given to some women who were deemed at risk for miscarriage during the 1950's and 1960's. Women whose mothers took DES while pregnant with them are at high risk for certain reproductive tract cancers and menstrual irregularities, as well as abnormally shaped uteruses that can lead to repeated miscarriages.


• Pelvic Adhesions: These are usually caused by surgery or infection, and occur when scar tissue forms between two or more internal organs. When this tissue affects the ovaries or fallopian tubes, infertility can result.


• Immunological Infertility: This disorder occurs when the woman's system produces antisperm antibodies which destroy her partner's sperm.

From the CDC 1995:

From the CDC 2005:

OK, OK. I'll stop. Until next time.

Cycle Day 4

Well, the BIG deal on cycle day 4? I start birth controls pills! Because, of course, you wanna take birth control pills when you're trying to get pregnant!

OK, Explanation. You take the pills so the RE had control over your cycle. They know exactly when everything is supposed to happen. Capiche?

I decide to stay indoors most of today because it's hot. How hot? Like, Africa Hot! I kid you not, it was 109 degrees! One oh freaking 9!!! I should have gone first thing in the morning. I am not bright.

I gather my library books I need to return to the library and the rest of my junk and hit my car, which inside is like 306 degrees. Air conditioner full blast, Check! iPod, Check! *sings happily to Billy Joel's Oh What a Night* QUIT JUDGING ME!!! Off I go.

Again I have the parking karma, and find a spot in front of the library, go in return my books. Then pick up the audio books I have on hold. One of which is 27 hours long!!! And you though I was long winded! HA! Then she shows me these "Take Away" books. They are like mini mp3 players with one book on them. You check them out. All you provide is the batteries and headphones. Very cool!

Me: "Very cool!"

She: "Yeah every thing is getting smaller...except me."

Me: "Bwahahahahahahahahahahaahaahahahaha. Please honey, let's not go there today. It's too damn hot!"

She: Smiles brightly and walks away.

Today's lesson? I want to work at the library in town. Every time I go there, people are nice to me, give me books and make me laugh.

Ok, off to 7-11. Yes I said 7-11. Why? Remember my slushie love? Well I needed another one. They had a whole bank of machines! Like 12 fountains!! 3 of them worked! LOL. Hot day today! The three flavors they had were blue, ( not sure what flavor that is), Jolly Rancher Green Apple, ( my next conquest methinks) and Pepsi. BEST $1.94 I ever spent on 40 oz. of slushie, Pepsi goodness! Mmmmmmmm... And yes I did drink the whole thing! *Slurp* Wait, I'm supposed to be giving up caffeine...does a Pepsi flavored slushie have caffeine? Oh well, too late now!

Next stop, pharmacy. Ok. Get out of the car and am hit by a mighty, 109 degree wind. Holy Mother of God!!! Get in the store, pick up the drugs and the woman behind the counter was not impressed by me...At. All. Not sure what I ever did to her, but whatever.

Girl: "The pharmacist would like to speak to you about this."

Me: Thinking, you have no idea about my world... Saying, "Why? It's just birth control isn't it?"

Girl: Looking at me like she might crack.

Me: "Taken it before...Take one pill, once a day, same time every day..."

Girl: Smiles, "Ok. It just says here on the paper..."

Me. Thinking, I probably just saved you some work and that's why your smiling. "Bye!"

I walk out of the store and I swear to you, the same damn, wind was waiting for me when I got out. Bastard.

So, docs have prescribed Desogen. Of course insurance says here, have the generic brand, Reclipsen. Whatever. Same stuff different packaging. Brown and unattractive.

From the patient information insert:

5. Other side effects
Other side effects may include nausea and vomiting, change in appetite, headache, nervousness, depression, dizziness, loss of scalp hair, rash, and vaginal infections.
If any of these side effects bother you, call your doctor or clinic.

IF THEY BOTHER YOU??!!???!!!!!!

BOTHER??!!!!

I don't know what to say to that? That's not even true. There is too much to say about that! I don't think I have enough space to blog about all that is wrong with #5. Who writes this shit?

Anyway...I then make a stop at a fast food place and get a small snack because my stomach has finally decided it wants something, and it must be salty. Then, I'm home, eating my salty snack, drinking my ginormus slushie, in my air conditions home. Don't be a hater!

Tonight I will take the big step of punching out the little white pill and swallowing it. I'm so excited!!!!! Not.

Oh yeah, and can I say it's STILL HOT!!!! 9.00 pm and it's 93 degrees! F*ck Me!

Cycle Day 3

UGH! What a day! So, as we all know, I had my scheduling appointment today. No biggie. I planned everything down to a T. Leave, go to the Drugstore and pick up drugs, go to lab have blood drawn, go to appointment find out the schedule of things to come. Everything was perfect until...I realized I miscalculated and should have left at 12 rather than 1.

As if that wasn't enough, I had a bout of stomach...something. Knocked me flat for like 20 minutes. I probably would have gotten out a lot sooner if that hadn't happened. I've had a stomach ache off and on all day now. Not to mention the cyst crap on top of the usual cycle symptoms. Being a girl SUCKS!

Anyway, I race around the house get out around 12.40 and drive like a bat out of hell. All the way to the light next to my street; here it went through like 7 cycles and never gave us a green. Ok, it wasn't 7, it was more like 2 or 3 but I was impatient and made a right turn out of a left turn lane. It all worked out, the gas station was that way, so I got some gas so I wouldn't run out on the way to my appointment.

Oh and did I mention it was 95 degrees when I left the house. WTF? Let's hear it for air conditioning.

So, on my way I hit two traffic jams. The first one...there was no reason for it. All the cars just stopped. STOPPED! Like all War of the Worlds, no power stopped. I guess people just forgot how to drive. Morons. The second people had to rubberneck. I HATE THAT!!!

I get to the super snooty college town where the drugstore and my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) are located. I drive slowly, looking for the store, and manage to not realize I was blocking an intersection, even though it was my green. But, I put the car in reverse and back up because I don't want to be THAT person. The light changes to red. I wait and it turns back to green, and I have forgotten to take the car out of reverse. Doy! The car behind me honks because I slowly start to roll backwards. Ooops! My bad! Sorry!

I make my way though the very pretty tree lined streets and find the drugstore. It was like thisbig. I was lucky I even SAW it! Then what do you think happened? Of course this little uppity town had like no parking...but today I had parking karma and found a space I could just pull into and didn't even have to parallel park on a busy two lane street! Yay me!!

I go in an pickup my drugs. Comes to like $360. I know! I was like,

"I thought you said my insurance covered this?"

"It does. You have REALLY good insurance! I had to do a double take. Quit your whining."

"Then why so much?"

She holds up the receipt. "Look you stupid twit!"

"HOLY MAN HOLE COVERS BATMAN!"

"I KNOW!"

"I'll shut up now."

"Good."

(OK,she wasn't mean like that but it was a better story...)

I paid $100 for one and $75 for the other...crazy. See pictures at the end of the post.

So I swipe the card, pay and then am escorted to secret back room where the pharmacist goes over my HUGE GROCERY BAG of drugs. DAYUM! Again, see pics at the end of the post because I can't figure out how to paste them individually.

After the consult I realized I had 20 minutes to get to my appointment. I race across the street get in the car and drive like a madwoman (well as fast as the little idyllic, tree lined streets would let me drive) to the RE's. I gather all my stuff (except for the blood work paperwork because I'm an ass) race up to the office and check in. The receptionist has gotten a nose ring (one of which I have) and the last time I was there we became BFF bonding over said nose rings. She was all excited she changed the stud and she managed to hurt herself a couple times since the last time it I saw her.

"Well, it happens." I smile.

"I know! I just realized, it's gonna happen! Get over it."

I like her.

She tells me I'm meeting with the financial coordinator and the nurse in the lab downstairs. This is when I kick myself for forgetting the paperwork for the blood tests. I sign in, meet with the FC and she's all, "You have REALLY GOOD INSURANCE! IT COVERS 100%! WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (again with the pics at the end of the post.)

"Yeah it is good. And no, I'm hitched but thanks for asking."

She leaves and the nurse comes in. Starts pulling out paperwork for my plan. We get to the hysteroscopy and I pull out the pics of my uterus. What? You don't carry pics of your uterus around with you? Oh. OK. Anywho....I tell her, I had one in March do I really need another? She takes the pics and says she'll check. Finally someone with a brain. I mean, I don't mind doing it if it is necessary, but if not, then why? I'm kinda bummed because that means the baseline ultrasounds which is now scheduled with the hysteroscopy are only done in the morning. *Cries* Might be worth it just not to have to drive up so early in the AM lol.

She gives me my schedule, (You guessed it...more pics)my Rx for birth control pills and sends me on my merry little way. Which isn't that far because I just have to go out to my car and get the paperwork for the vampires and go right back in...which I do.

The vamp is happy because I have no fear of needles, I let him pick whatever vein he wants and he does so with minimal pain. Two vials later, I'm out the door.

So, I begin to make my way home and look up at the thermometer in my car 103. 103 freaking degrees!! Global warming is here folks. Al and M. Night are right!! The earth is fighting back!

Then I realize I have a splitting headache. I look at the clock. It's 4.30 pm. I haven't eaten since 10.00 am. Yep that'll do it. I drop off the rx at my local pharmacy and drive to Taco Hell. I know. With a funny tummy...not a good idea. But damn if I am not addicted to those damn fruit freezes. Mango strawberry...mmmmmmmmmm...droooooools...I may need another one tomorrow. DON'T JUDGE!!

I get myself my slushie and some burrito thing, and decide to pick up my pills tomorrow. I have to go to the library anyway.

Once inside, I scarf my food and take some Tylenol and wait for my headache to subside. Which, it mostly does. So I cleaned the kitchen, which hasn't been cleaned in days because I've been sick. I could rant on this for days but I'll let it be...

Then I took pics of all this stuff for you. And that was CD3.

Pics for you! Click on the pic for...BIGGER pic lol.

[gallery]

Well, that's all for now...

So what are they testing for? This!

UPDATE:   This cracked me up!!

CD 2 - Update

Ok, while surfing the web, I found this blog. It's brilliant. Here is her version of what not to say to people who are trying to concieve. Wish I had thought of it.

http://www.jennepper.com/2007/10/did-you-seriously-just-say-that.html

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=cIH5ayG1qho]

Cycle Day 2

Well, not much happens on CD 2. Some clinics do the blood tests today. Mine does them on CD 3. Yesterday was also pretty bad on the discomfort scale. This cycle is knocking me on my ass. I have a feeling it's due to two reasons. One, that it's my first natural cycle after the D&C. I had one before this but it had to be induced with Provera. Second, the cyst. It is angry and fighting back. But, it's destiny is sealed. It will be banished.

I made the mistake of thinking I was all better and went to the grocery store, (because there is no food in the house lol) and it was too much for me. So when the nice checker man asked me if I wanted help out with my stuff, of course I said no, I can do it. I put my receipt in my purse and looked up at him. He was staring at me. "Are you sure?" because he clearly wasn't sure I could do it on my own. Geeze, what did I look like? Well that whole 4 year old thing kicked in, I can do it myself! So of course I said, ignoring my own pain, "No, I got it." I'm such an idiot.

So, I thought I'd share an online I Ching I did. I know I haven't shared much about my feelings on the whole IVF matter yet, but have no fear, I'm sure they will arise. This gave me a little more hope. (Click on the pictures for larger image.)

[gallery]

So I'll try to keep my control issues in check. lol. But, that reading seemed really positive to me. I'm reading that right, right?

Apparently, the blood work was done through my primary care physician. So I need to request it from her. Mystery solved.

Tomorrow I go up for my appointment, get my blood drawn and pick up my medications. I need to get directions to the lab and to the pharmacy. I have no idea where it is. I need to go to the pharmacy first. I'm supposed to bring my meds in with me. I honestly hope I don't have to do the injection training, since I have already done it. Not that I mind, it's just a hell of a long drive up there, about an hour no traffic. Long day tomorrow. I'm already tired. Rough cycle. I'll be glad when it calms down. I'm wondering if I should take more iron; if that would help. Oh well.

I have made a conscious decision to remove as much negativity from my life as possible. To that end, I'm trying to make peace with my faith. I have been very angry for so many reasons dating back years, probably 12 years. I'm making an attempt to start over and hope to find comfort and peace when times are rough. Hopefully, I have not severed those ties, but am hoping for benevolence.

Until tomorrow!

Cycle Day 1

Information:

Last night was a bitch. I have this good sized cyst on my right ovary that decided to fight back yesterday. I seriously thought I was gonna end up in the ER again. I managed to tough through it. I found some pain killers and that took the edge off allowing me to get some sleep. So, yay me.

Today is CD1. I called into the clinic like a good little patient to let them know. Told the nurse about my night and she said I didn't do anything bad by taking the drugs because they haven't started anything yet.

We are gonna stick to the original schedule. I will just start the birth control pills early. The even better news is, I only have to make one trip up there to get the blood tests, prescriptions and appointment. Woot!

I gave the nurse the number to the old clinic to talk to their medical records person. Apparently the virology and blood work wasn't in the stuff he sent. It was dumb for me to play he said she said, so I said, you two talk to each other.

I am also gonna bring the pictures of my hysteroscopy in hopes I don't have to do another one. Seems pointless to me. Just had one in March and it was clean. ( I can post those pictures if anyone is interested.) I am also hoping to get out of the orientation and injection training. Been there done that. Still have a tummy that looks like a pin cushion.

They also prescribed an "anti-rejection" drug which the other clinic didn't. I'm really hopeful that will help. Some women on some boards I was reading seemed to have good luck with it. Lot's of BFP's! (Big Fat Positives)

So, I thought I'd also include some helpful information, advice and tips in the blog. The first thing I thought I'd post is an article I found on line.

What One Should and Should Not Say To an Infertile Couple...

By Victoria R. Sweet, R.N.
Legal Nurse Consultant

&

Craig R. Sweet, M.D.
Reproductive Endocrinologist

(Reprinted from Florida Parenting News, February, 1994, and revised September, 1999.)

Introduction:

Infertility affects nearly one in six couples. Approximately 40% of the time, the problem is related to the female partner, another 40% is related to male difficulties and 20% of the time both partners will have medical problems. Many times, infertility is a symptom of an underlying disease process, a disease process the couples have no control over. To these couples, infertility can be a crisis of the deepest kind. Every menstrual cycle represents a failure and is a time of grief for the potential child that never came to be.

The infertile couple will often express their feelings through anger, frustration, feelings of inadequacy, depression and guilt. Relationships with family members with children can suffer, marriages are strained and well-meaning friends and family can overload the couple with advice and pressure. Family and social gatherings become a reminder of infertility. Baby showers can be a traumatic experience. Mother's and Father's Day are often very difficult.

We want to offer some tips that provide support to couples who have not yet had the blessing of a beautiful child to love. With your assistance, most couples going though the process of trying to conceive can maintain a positive attitude.

What Not To Say...

Don't ask a childless person when they are going to have a child. They may be going through the process of trying to conceive but have not yet achieved success. Asking them only reminds them of their problem. They need no extra reminders.

Don't relate stories of your fertility to them. Hearing "my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant" is very annoying. While well-meaning, the statement is insensitive.

Don't give advice such as "just relax," "you are trying too hard" or "take a cruise." All of these very common comments imply that the couple have control of their fertility. Most of the time, these couples have absolutely no control over their fertility. Implying control leads to feelings of failure and guilt when this advice doesn't work.

I mean honestly. We all know they mean well, but how will a vacation unblock tubes?


Don't offer advice such as sexual timing, position, herbal medications or other totally unproven therapies. There are literally hundreds of old-wife's-tails that, when followed, can drive an infertile patient nearly crazy. Their physician will have covered those natural aspects of their care that may maximize their chances for conception. Once again, please to not imply that they have a sense of control.

My favorite response to this is to ask people how often they masterbate. When they look all shocked and shaken, I say, "Right. It's none of my business. Just like my sex life is none of yours."


Don't express your derogatory personal opinions regarding insemination procedures, test-tube babies or adoption. Sometimes, these are their only hope for having a child. These are your opinions and uninvited advice is rarely desired nor constructive. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, simply keep it your own. If they ask for your advice, then feel free to state your opinions, but do so in a kind and considerate manner.

OK, I read this and thought, OMG, who would do this?


Don't place blame by accusing the couple of exercising too much, eating the wrong foods or drinking alcohol. These couples may already be blaming themselves. Their physician will have already covered the medical and reproductive consequences of obesity, smoking, alcohol and recreation drugs. Support them in the cessation of these activities and minimize the guilt associated with their consumption. The guilt rarely leads to cessation but often moves the individual to increased consumption.

Yeah, unless they have a medical degree...

What You Can Say and Do...

Do provide couples with plenty of emotional support by saying "It must be difficult to go through this" and "I'm here to listen if you need to talk."

This is the best advice!

Do remember that men can be just as emotional about the problem, sometimes even more so. They may feel their masculinity is at risk.

Do understand the couple's need for privacy.

Do try to understand that if they are your employees, frequent doctor's appointments may be necessary during business hours. Please try to accommodate them as much as possible. Not doing so may also be construed as a form of discrimination and place you at legal risk.

Umm...ya...

Do understand why they may not make it to a baby shower or a holiday event. These frequent events can become overwhelming for an infertile couple.

Do tell the infertile couple that there is hope.

We live on hope.

Conclusions:

Please remember that the vast majority of infertile couples have minimal control of the diseases that causes their infertility. Giving them emotional support during this trying time is a wonderful way to assist them. Giving them subtle hints that they have control plants the seeds of failure in the minds of the infertile patient.

Please be kind, thoughtful and always supportive.

Well, that's all for today. See ya!

Journey's Beginning

Well, here I am again. I.V.F. This time, I thought I would write about my experiences; keep a running journal of what I am going through, what's happening...you know. A little on line therapy. I think it might be a good place to send friends and family members who what to know what's up the the process. So here we go...

The picture is of ICSI (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) we will be doing this too.

Information:

I have an appointment June 19, 2008 @ 2.30, I think. This third cycle (third time's a charm right?) we are going through Stanford. Remarkably they are covered by my insurance. Thursday's appointment is to go over the schedule. Well tentative schedule. Things change with your body's levels of hormones and stuff. So here is what I know so far...tentatively....

• 06/20/2008 - Cycle Day 1


• 06/22 to 07/05/2008 - Start Birth Control Pills


• 07/03/08 - Baseline appointment and Hysteroscopy


• I think sometime in here I start the injectable drugs


• 07/20/2008 - I believe I get the HcG shot.


• 07/21/2008 - Egg Retrieval


• 07/24/2008 - Embryo Transfer

Then the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW)

I also have a tentative list of drugs for this cycle. Now, please forgive my spelling.

• Ganirelix - blocks FSH


• Menepro - Stimulant (Follistim)


• HcG Injection - Induce ovulation


• Medrol - Anti rejection


• Doxycycline - antibiotic


• Valium - well...you know lol

I pick up the drugs on Thursday. To the tune of $407.00, and that is WITH insurance. Lord.

Status:

There seems to be some trouble with getting my medical records from the last clinic. Hopefully that will be sorted. I am also questioning the dr on the Hysteroscopy. I had one about 2 months ago. Not sure why I need another one. I don't want to have one just because it's "in the plan". You know? Just following orders.

Mood:

Needless to say, I am worried. Not too, not yet, but I have my concerns; what with the spotting, cysts and weight and all. But I guess we will do what we can when we can.

Well, I guess that's it. Please feel free to drop me a comment or email if you have any questions. Here is a video that might explain some stuff.