CD8/SD8/LD10-IVF#4

One.

It's the loneliest number.  Is a singular sensation.  It's the beginning.  It's the last.  All it takes is one.

On Tuesday, I went in for the Day 5 ultrasound.  Disappointing.  Only like 2 follies, unless you wanna count the endos.  Lining was thin.  Well it's early, Dr. not worried. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I ask about the spotting.  Why no one is worried but me.  What it comes down to is, it may or may not be the hydrosalpinx.  He is concerned about it, but, "We'll see."  What that translates to in my mind?  We don't know.  If they have to remove it, he thinks it will take a specialist because there is probably a lot of scar tissue.  Boy, when I over achieve I really over achieve.  Why couldn't have been in something good...like school, or athletics or almost anything else?  So I figure as long as they are in there, would removing the endometreomas help?  Two for the price of one.

I went back today.  On my 90+ minute ride, instead of listening to my audio book, my mood required music.  Angry music.  Thank you Lupron.  So I have created a "Lupron Listening List"!

Lupron Listening List

• Metalica - Enter Sandman


• Pink - U and U'r Hand


• Audioslave - Show Me How to Live


• Audioslave - Cochise


• Audioslave- Like a Stone


• Alice in Chains - Man in the Box


• 30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill


• Maroon 5 - Wake Up Call


• Joss Stone - Put Your Hands on Me


• Salmon - Falling, Giving, Being


• Fall Out Boy - This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race


• Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down


• Fall Out Boy - Thanks for the Memories


• Pussy Cat Dolls - Buttons


• Nine Inch Nails - Closer


• Robin Thicke - When I Get You Alone


• Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl


• Jennifer Paige - Crush


• No Doubt - Just a Girl


• Evanescence - Bring Me to Life


• P.O.D. - Boom


• ABC - Poison Arrow


• Miranda Lambert - Gunpowder and Lead

OK, some of these aren't angry, I put them in there just because I like them and they are fun to sing in the car...LOUDLY!  There are probably more to add but that is all I could get through on the ol' iPod today.  What are some of your Lupron Songs?

I had another ultrasound today.  Same thing.  Lining is looking much better than last time.  That's something I guess.  Only really two follies but there may be more, we'll see on Monday when I go  back for yet another violation.  We may end up triggering on Wednesday.    I was so very disappointed after that appointment.  My heart ached.

Earlier in the week I was feeling defeated.  I was like, this is never gonna happen.  Why am I even bothering.  Then we went to a public event and this little boy ran past us.  He was so cute!  He looked like what I picture our kids would look like.  I watched him go to his parents and sure enough they were very similar to what we looked like.  My heart kicked back in.  THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS!!  I want one like that!!  My heart longed for it.  Then the disappointing dr.'s visits.  Why hope?  When it's just gonna be eviscerated and it's naivete hung out for everyone to laugh at?  It's cruel.

So, Tuesday after the first ultrasound, I returned my bf's call, and threatened to throw my Motorola earpiece out of the car and run it over because it sucks.  (It really does.  I may be hormonal but I'm not wrong!)  She laughed at me, "How's that Lupron working out for you?"

"Well apparently it sucks.  There are only two follies so far.  I'm really disappointed."

"It only takes one!"

That got me thinking.  It only takes one...

It only takes...

One vote to win a nomination or an election.

One voice start a revolution.

One person to save a life.

One injection...

One knife...

One bullet...

One misunderstanding...

One idea...

One dream...

One embryo...

One is a powerful number.  It's not my favorite number.  Right now I hate it.  It feels like it's standing in my way.  Am I, One person, strong enough to knock it down?  I don't know.    I don't even dare say I hope so.  Hmmm...One Hope.

I know this post is all very scattered, but that is the order of my one head.