To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.

The fun begins tomorrow...

12.30 pm start liquid diet

3.00 pm first clense

7.00 pm second clense

Tuesday

12.30 am nothing more by mouth

7.30 am check in

9.30 am surgery.

Want to know what happens starting yesterday?  How about a brush with my own mortality.  Yes I know it's not rational, but since when is fear rational.  Yes I'm afraid.  IT'S FREAKING SURGERY!!  I don't care how routine surgery is, there is alway an chance of complications.  It happened to a friend of mine.  She went in, didn't come out.  Now, her case was nothing like mine, but again, fear is not rational.

I weighed my family, my friends, my compodres online.  Who would tell them if something happened to me.  The man said he would...if he could figure it out.  LOL.  Did I have things I wanted people to have?  Were there things I didn't want people to know?  Who would the kitties sleep with?  Fear is not rational.

We went to see The Secret Life of Bees Saturday night.  GREAT FREAKING MOVIE!  There was one scene where they explain the image on the honey jars.   I.  Lost.  It. It was all about strength in the face of fear.  I thought I was going to have to run sobbing from the theatre because I was doing that loud, doubled over, someone killed my puppy sobbing, well, trying NOT to and failing.  I finally got a grip, but I was fragile the rest of the movie and night.  The images would float through my mind and I would well up again.  The man wanted to discuss the movie and all I could do was turn in on my self, hide behind my hair and nod.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't.  I went to bed, 3 hours later, I was still up, paralyzed by fear.  No sleep, no peace.  I had to put on a movie to distract myself enough to fall asleep.  Fear is not rational, and no respector of persons or hour.

I don't know what else to say about this.  I'm afraid.  Logically I know it's ok.  Emotionally I'm a mess.  How does one assuge those fears?  How do you tell yourself, it will all be ok?  I just don't know.  And this isn't even touching on the infertility fears.  I'll be irrational about those when I'm through these.

I guess that's all I have to say.  Maybe I'll blog tomorrow and bitch about being hungry. :-)

Night.

Veer Sharma
FEAR:
F--FALSE
E--EVIDENCE
A--APPEARING
R--REAL

Oscar Wilde
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Eddie Rickenbacher
Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.

Channing Pollock
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.