5DP3DT

I guess, mornings are just bad for me.  Went to bed feeling more positive about everything.  I had the goofiest dreams last night I had intended to share.  Then woke up to more spotting, a lot of it, which has tossed me right back into despair.  So I cried for a bit and have decided, eventually, I'll get used to the disappointment and it won't be so bad and I'll feel like talking to people again and reclaim my life.

Being in the predicament we are, I tend to notice a lot of "baby" things.  Pregnant women, TV shows revolving around pregnancy, stores, adds, all kinds of things.  Some of them even give me a little hope.  Lately there seems to be an excess of it.  Part of me wants to be optimistic and say it's a "sign", the other part feels like it's the universe mocking me.  It really hurts.  I don't know how to stay positive when I feel this bad.  Do you?  Honestly, I already feel like I'm mourning the loss for this cycle, I'm trying not to, but it feels hopeless.  With any luck, I'm just hormonal and will be pleasantly surprised.  (see, I'm trying :-) )

So what do I do?  I'll get up and try to ignore the nagging doubt and underlying current of fear and go about my day on auto pilot.  If I can't manage to do that, and right now, it does't feel like I can, I'll just crawl back into bed and try to sleep through it.  I don't know what else to do.

50 min later:

The other thing to do apparently is to sob uncontrollably all morning.  Maybe this is pent up anxiety and fear.  Maybe this is mourning the loss of the Amigos.  Maybe the crying will purge my system of all things bad and toxic and things will be  brighter on the other side.

Hour after that:

I've stopped crying...for now.  I feel a bit better.  Resigned, but not mourful, well not that mournful.

Afternoon:

So, some conversations, some errands run, and a ginormus banana slurpy later...I'm tired.  Somewhat better, but tired.

The man said the most amazing things to me today.  He was quoting thing to me that were beautiful, I didn't want to tell him what a mess I was.  Finally I did.  Told him about the spotting, which to me is more like blood loss, and he said maybe they were both implantation spotting.  Maybe two implanted that's why it happened two days in a row.  That made me feel so much better.  I am willing to grasp at any straw.



I mean if Mulder and Scully can have a baby and they took ALL her ova, then I should be golden, right? Yeah ok, she did give birth to some sort of alien/human hybrid super soldier, but I figure that's a small price to pay...

My mood has improved.  Thanks to the man.  He's good to me.  Tomorrow will be another test.  Hopefully I will not freak out and have another meltdown.  We don't want it to be another one of those days.

How bad was it?  It was a two slurpy day.   Just sayin...