9DP3DT

Also known as "The Day Before the Blood Test".

I didn't really have anything planned for today's blog.

I guess the word for now is bitter.  I'm bitter.  But I couldn't be bitter if I weren't heart broken.  Yes, I am already heart broken.  Honestly, I don't even want to go tomorrow.  Why bother?  I'm angry and sad.  I'm crying at the drop of a hat.  The man asked when I want to go tomorrow, I finally decided, as early as possible.  Rip off that band-aid.  The nurse will call, and tell me what I already fear.  Then I can get on with the rest of my grieving.  It's like hitting your funny bone, there the initial pain but then the real pain comes in the second wave.

What do you do when you are immersed in that kind of pain?  Pain attached to the knowledge of the three embryos you transferred in are dead.  That would grow and become people you created from love.  People that you would in turn, love and raise and nurture.  Embryos that would probably thrive for someone else.  I guess you push through it or you let it consume you.  Right now, it feels consuming.  I don't know what to do about that.  I want to give in to the pain.  Sink down and let the acrid, viscous agony envelop me.

You find yourself praying and begging.  "Who would know if you performed one little miracle.   No one actually knows if the embies survived or not, who's to say they didn't?  Can't I have just one miracle?  It's not like I'm asking for world power or harm to come to someone.  I'm asking for what everyone else seems to have the right."

Then there brings in the question of if you can't bear children are you still a woman?  You don't feel whole.  You're unable to do "what you were put on earth to do."  Yes thank you I know this does not make me any less a woman but guess what, it doesn't make me feel any better either.  I also don't want any of those platitudes people are so fond of hurling whenever they hit a difficult situation and don't want to think.  Oh, you can live a full life with out children.  Ok. Sure.  Fine.  Give up yours then and tell me how full your life is.  Also don't tell me I can always adopt like this is something we have never thought of, give me a fucking break.  Or you can't miss what you never had.  That is one of the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  I encourage you to think before you speak.  Put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment before you open your mouth.  What would you want to hear?  T.H.I.N.K.!!!

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch but, *sigh*, get over it.  For a change I'm gonna be concerned about my feelings rather than yours.  I'm gonna take care of my self.  And if I want to piss, moan and bleed all over this post I will and I'm not sorry about it.  If your feelings are hurt, too bad.  Don't come back.  I don't need you.  I don't even want you.  Because guess what, this time it really is all about me and mine.

This is gonna be the last post for a while.  So, I'll see you when I see you.