CD3/SD3/LD3-4

My ovaries hurt.

My head huts.

My endometreoma hurts.

I go in Tuesday for a day 5 ultrasound.  Weeeeeee!

The man brought me dinner in bed because my head is hurting again.  6 came in to join me and stole one of the ribs off my plate.  Lil' shit!  I'm glad to see she hasn't lost her cow hunting skills livin' all bougie up in our crib.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption=" 6 - She looks like a good kittty, but she is only pretending..."][/caption]

I've also been trying to chart my temp.  I think this is dangerous to a fragile hope but I'm doing it.  I may stop.  I don't know.  I'm not very good about remembering first thing in the morning anyway.  (I'm not a morning person.)

4 shots a day...it's...a pain.  Pun intended.  The needles for the Lupron are not very slick and the Menopur is the same.  For that they gave me 1cc syringe which means, long skinny syringe that takes a long time to plunge.  Why couldn't they give me a larger syringe?  That shit stings!  Yes I'm whining.  It's the Lupron.

OK.  I'll quit boring y'all.  Have a good and safe holiday.

Oh, and those of you living in the path of Gustav, I sure as hell hope you left!  Please!  LEAVE!  GET OUT!!!  That is all.

CD1/SD1/LD3-4

I'm a bitch!  Lupron makes me the bitch that I am deep down inside.  On one hand it's kind of fun, on the other, I'm not used to the anger...very odd.  But I'm trying to NOT flip people off.  The operative word being TRYING.  (Hangs head in shame, but is still pissed at the asshole who fucking cut me off this after noon, and hopes his transmission fall out of his P.O.S.!!!!!)  I'm still road rage girl in the car (see previous statement).  I'm quick to argue with people online.  Every thing pisses me of quickly!  VERY QUICKLY!  You have been warned...

Have a nice day!  :-)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="367" caption="BITCH!!!!!!"][/caption]

CD 22-4

Short post.  I have a SCREAMING HEADACHE!

Acupuncture was great.

Lupron give me screaming headaches, therefore sucks!

Massage almost made me call uncle several times.

Lupron give me screaming headaches, therefore sucks!

Bye.

CD 20-4

We have lift off!!  So the ultrasound went well.  RE was even really personable!  Usually he's a no muss no fuss kinda guy.  Which I appreciate.  Today he was very...personable.  Nice.  Anyway, seems like we beat that endometreoma bitch into submission.  It's not there on the left and much smaller on the right!  Take that whore!! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I start the microdose Lupron on the 27th.  Eventually, I will be up to four shots a day.  >.<    To celebrate, I'm gonna go to get Acupuncture tomorrow.  Yes to celebrate my 4 shots a day, I'm gonna go get poked VOLUNTARILY with needles.  'Cause, you know;

That's.  How.  I.  Do.

Peace out!

CD 18-4

STOP MOCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I was sitting on the couch minding my own business watching...I dunno what, and this commercial comes on.  It's a Pampers commercial.  Something like, buy a pack of diapers and some needy child somewhere gets a vaccine.  *blink blink*  Lemme seeeeeeeeee...If I can't have a baby, I can't buy Pampers and some poor child dies from lack of a vaccine...  That's. Just. Mean.

Later, I'm flipping through the TV menu and I run across a show, "Ask God"  Topic, 'God, Why All the Suffering?'

Are you fucking kidding me? Really?  I don't know who's cosmic sense of humor this is.  It's one of those things you don't want to laugh at, but do...you know, like South Park.

CD 17-4

Sooooooooo...wanna know my tentative schedule...

[caption id="attachment_218" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="4th Cycle"][/caption]

Loberly.  4 shots a day...I'm the luckiest girl in the whole, wide world!!!

Any questions?  LOL.

CD 16-4

I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their kind and supportive comments and emails.  You guys rock!!

CD15-4

Well after going round and round with the pharmacy about the Follisitm dosage and vial size, I talked to the nurse and she assures me the drug company tells them they put an extra 137 IU's in the vial.  I've not experienced it but no one else has had a problem with it so maybe it's just operator error.  So, we'll see.

I have my first acupuncture appointment on Tuesday.  I'm very excited.  Honestly, I don't know if it's all a bunch of hooey, or if it really will help up the odds, but I figure, it can't hurt.  And hey, if it helps with my hormonal headaches (which I have had for the past few days) I'm all about it!  Maybe it can help with the spotting too.  Dunno, but I'm hopeful.

Monday I have my baseline ultrasound.  I'm wondering if I will have to do the blood test checking my E2 levels on this protocol.  I guess I'll find out Monday, as well as why isn't anyone else concerned about the spotting.  Bugs me.

Well, that's all I got.  Later

CD14-4

Do you think animals in the wild, mourn not being able to bear children?  Do you think they are shunned by the others in their group, cast aside to live alone?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of being cast aside, although some do fear it, and rightfully so.  Some can't handle it.  I just wonder if animals feel the loss.  You see birds standing by the body of thier dead mate, why wouldn't they feel this too to some degree?   Anyway, I don't really want an answer, I'm just wondering aloud.

CD 13-4

I have a headache.  :-(

CD10-4

I'm having a personal crisis.  I guess there is a crisis of faith, but more a cirsis of self.  What have I done with my life?  What will I leave behind?  Who will remember me?  Have I created anything?  Made anything?  I may not even be able to have biological children.  Tick toc.  Tick Toc.  I'll leave nothing.  Guess that means I am nothing.

"And poof. Just like that, he's gone."

Verbal, The Usual Suspects

CD9-4

THE MICRODOSE LUPRON FLARE PROTOCOL

The microdose Lupron flare protocol is one of the most potent IVF protocols available. It has helped many women with poor ovarian reserves to conceive, and in our opinion, is the last resort before donor egg IVF. The protocol takes advantage of a special property of Lupron. When used in tiny amounts, Lupron stimulates the release of natural FSH from the pituitary for several days before exerting its suppressive effect. During this 'flare' period, the ovaries are stimulated by natural FSH. The subsequent addition of high doses of FSH from medications gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. The flare protocol can be summarized as below:

Menses                     Flare effect                     HCG   Retrieval         Transfer

1. 
   

   Menstruation begins.

   
   


2. 
   

   Birth control pill is used to suppress the pituitary for 10 to 14 days. Low dose types are preferable. A trial transfer is performed during this period.

   
   


3. 
   

   Minidoses of Lupron are started 3 days after the last pill to stimulate the pituitary to release its own store of FSH (the flare effect). After 5 days, Lupron begins to suppress the pituitary to prevent premature ovulation. Lupron is continued until the day of HCG.

   
   


4. 
   

   Ovarian stimulation is initiated 5 days after the last pill using the highest dose of FSH. The combination of natural FSH and medicated FSH gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. Close monitoring is required.

   
   


5. 
   

   HCG injection is used to mature the eggs.

   
   


6. 
   

   Egg retrieval takes place about 36 hours after HCG injection.

   
   


7. 
   

   Embryo culture for 5 days.

   
   


8. 
   

   Embryo transfer of 2 blastocysts.

   
   


9. 
   

   Endometrial support using vaginal progesterone and topical estrogen.

   
   


10. 
    

    Pregnancy test 12 days after transfer.

    
    

Source:  http://www.ivfmd.net/Treatment/treatment2.htm

Well, that's really all I got.  I'm not having the same symptoms I was last time so that's good.  Must have been withdrawl from the other drug.  So this is much better.  Sorry I don't have more for you.  If there are questions you have let me know, I'll try to answer them!!

See ya!!

10DP3DT

A.K.A.  Blood test day...

Well there is no way to sugar coat it, it didn't work.  BFN!  *sigh*

So we jumped right back in.  I am currently on CD6.  Which if you remember is Birth Control Pills...again...I have my ultrasound on the 25th I think.

This time we are on a Flare protocol with Lupron. I am having a hard time explaining to the Pharmacist that my dosage is 425 of Follistim, please give me vials larger than 300 so I don't have to shoot myself twice.  Which means in the end I will be giving myself like 5 shots a day.  Stupid bitch.  I should come shoot her 5 times a day.

DANGER: RANT AHEAD.  YOU MAYBE BE OFFENDED...ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE DUMB-ASS I'M RANTING ABOUT.

In other news, we had a family member say the stupidest thing to the man a few days ago.  Said family member claims he reads the blog but clearly did NOT read the things you shouldn't say portion.  Remember don't give advice or make suggestions?  Try to be supportive?  Clearly not.

First he asked if we had thought of surrogacy.  Oh gee, like that was never brought up in the 3 IUI's and 3 IVF cycles you fucking dim wit!  It's that I! ME!  MYSELF! want to carry OUR BABY!  I WANT OUR BABY!  OUR BIOLOGICAL BABY!  CARRIED, BY ME!  Get it??  If it was that I just wanted any baby, I'd have adopted already.  So before you open your ignorant mouth again, don't bring up adoption.  Yes we have heard of it.  Yes we have considered it.  No we are not ready for that step, not that it's any of your fucking business.   He then proceeded to VOLUNTEER SOMEONE that he never spoke to, by the way to be our surrogate!!  Thank you very much!  This man has no sense of boundaries.  Oh but wait, there's more...He says next,  You know the odds are stacked against you.  YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING MORON.  DO YOU THINK WE DON'T KNOW THAT??!!!  Would we BE HERE if we didn't know that?  Can I get you some salt to pour in our gaping wound?  I've put up with his inane, stupid comments for years.  Watched him insult and alienate people right and left.  You know what?  I'm done.  I will not have anything to do with him anymore.  I may change my mind in the future, but for now.  Fuck off!  Don't call, don't write.  You are not welcome around me.  I don't need the negativity in my life. I have enough to worry about!  Who is this asshole you ask?  If you know us, you know who.  I'll give you three guesses, but you're only gonna need one.

Next installment will be...I don't know.  Maybe about the new protocol.  Oh and the kittens are soooo cute!

9DP3DT

Also known as "The Day Before the Blood Test".

I didn't really have anything planned for today's blog.

I guess the word for now is bitter.  I'm bitter.  But I couldn't be bitter if I weren't heart broken.  Yes, I am already heart broken.  Honestly, I don't even want to go tomorrow.  Why bother?  I'm angry and sad.  I'm crying at the drop of a hat.  The man asked when I want to go tomorrow, I finally decided, as early as possible.  Rip off that band-aid.  The nurse will call, and tell me what I already fear.  Then I can get on with the rest of my grieving.  It's like hitting your funny bone, there the initial pain but then the real pain comes in the second wave.

What do you do when you are immersed in that kind of pain?  Pain attached to the knowledge of the three embryos you transferred in are dead.  That would grow and become people you created from love.  People that you would in turn, love and raise and nurture.  Embryos that would probably thrive for someone else.  I guess you push through it or you let it consume you.  Right now, it feels consuming.  I don't know what to do about that.  I want to give in to the pain.  Sink down and let the acrid, viscous agony envelop me.

You find yourself praying and begging.  "Who would know if you performed one little miracle.   No one actually knows if the embies survived or not, who's to say they didn't?  Can't I have just one miracle?  It's not like I'm asking for world power or harm to come to someone.  I'm asking for what everyone else seems to have the right."

Then there brings in the question of if you can't bear children are you still a woman?  You don't feel whole.  You're unable to do "what you were put on earth to do."  Yes thank you I know this does not make me any less a woman but guess what, it doesn't make me feel any better either.  I also don't want any of those platitudes people are so fond of hurling whenever they hit a difficult situation and don't want to think.  Oh, you can live a full life with out children.  Ok. Sure.  Fine.  Give up yours then and tell me how full your life is.  Also don't tell me I can always adopt like this is something we have never thought of, give me a fucking break.  Or you can't miss what you never had.  That is one of the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  I encourage you to think before you speak.  Put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment before you open your mouth.  What would you want to hear?  T.H.I.N.K.!!!

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch but, *sigh*, get over it.  For a change I'm gonna be concerned about my feelings rather than yours.  I'm gonna take care of my self.  And if I want to piss, moan and bleed all over this post I will and I'm not sorry about it.  If your feelings are hurt, too bad.  Don't come back.  I don't need you.  I don't even want you.  Because guess what, this time it really is all about me and mine.

This is gonna be the last post for a while.  So, I'll see you when I see you.

8DP3DT

No surprises here.  Still spotting.  I'm starting to feel like a dalmatian.

Headache is trying to kick my ass and is winning...but I have a weapon...It's destiny is sealed.

Also, I wanted to say something about my post yesterday.  The part about not calling us...No, I haven't changed my mind.  I still don't want you to call us.  What I wanted to say is, it may take a few days for us to call you, maybe even longer.  If it's positive, I will want to get a few blood tests under my belt first.  If it's negative, I may want to wallow in the depths of my closet for a long while.  We do appreciate your concern and hope for us, but we will need time.  OK?  No hard feelings, right?  Good.

The kittens...are funny...

We had to leave today and we are supposed to keep them separate from our other two cats for a week.  Well we put them in the downstairs bathroom.  When we got back they were no where to be found, I mean like I was asking the man, "Are you sure they were in here when you shut the door?"  He was doubting it himself.

On a whim, I opened the closed drawer...BINGO!! I found Eight!  He opened the other, Six!  HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET IN THERE!!!!  Kontortionist Kitties!  We haven't laughed that hard in forever!  They were destined to be ours.  Little shits!

7DP3DT

So, color me surprised.  The spotting has seemed to have slowed.  Go figure.  I don't know what it means, if anything.  I mean there is still spotting so...

I've been waking with headaches the past couple of days.  Have managed to not take anything for them.  It's...annoying.  Also are body aches.  I'm not a big fan of those either. Oh well.

As the day grows closer to the test, the more fear I feel.  Honestly, I believe we're gonna get a BFN (big fat negative).  So I don't know why the fear is building.  Actual reality I guess.

On the day of the test, this is not gonna be the first place I unveil the results.  I will make phone calls to the immediate family before I inform the general Internet population.  Even then, the calls will not be made right away.  So, if you could please give us time to absorb the results and not start calling right away, it would be appreciated.  Don't call us, we'll call you.  :-)

In other news, Six and Eight are doing well, the vet checked them out gave them their shots and deworming goo.  They are both girls.  When they are less skittish, I'll get pictures of them up.  I predict Eight will be the first to try to pull and Michael Scofield out of the downstairs bathroom.  I think she is the one who figured out how to open the cupboard and made a cozy little bed for the two of them in there.

Well, it's late and I have to get up early so, that's all for now.

6DP3DT

Well, what do you think happened today?  Yup.  Same. Damn. Thing.  At this point I'm like, "Whatever."  I do wonder if this has something to do with the year round spotting I was having that no one seemed that concerned about but me.  Like I said, I don't know how they can stick, if I'm bleeding all the fucking time.  Maybe they implanted before the bleeding started.  Who knows.  I called the nurse today and she told me just what I thought she would.  Nothing to do.  Wait for the blood test.  At least now I feel like I've done all I can.

On a completely different note, we went to the movies to see The X Files.  It was great.  The man said to me, "You are soooooooo Scully!"

I pouted and whined, "But I want to be Muuuuuuuuldeeeeeeeeeeeer!!"

"You know what you have to do right?"

At this point I quote the movie which I will not do here in case you haven't seen it.

As we are driving away, the man says, "What is that?" and stops the car in the middle of the parking lot and gets out.  I'm like what the hell?  I look and see a pair of glowing eyes.  I look again they belong to a black and white kitten.  So I get out of the car.  Then people want to leave the movies so I re-park the car and we spend an hour trying to catch 3 kittens.  (anyone see the coinkidink?)  I caught two of them, luring them with peperoni sticks and the third, the runt, when I finally caught him.  KICKED. MY.  ASS!  Dude was wailing!  Even, who we think was the mama kitty, came out to check the scene!  But she didn't fight.  She just walked away.  So when I was tired of being beaten up I finally let him go.

"I guess he stays with mama."

"What should we do with the others?"

"I feel bad taking them from each other."

"They'd have a better chance with us."

I look at the man, I can see I have lost this argument.  He is such a softy...

I debate it with him for like 30 seconds, my heart isn't in the debate, they are awfully cute.

So now we have two kittens  we may or may not keep.  One is a calico and kooky and one is a black and white tux.  Toooooo cute!  And big eaters! lol.

We have tentatively names theme Six and Eight.