5DP3DT

I guess, mornings are just bad for me.  Went to bed feeling more positive about everything.  I had the goofiest dreams last night I had intended to share.  Then woke up to more spotting, a lot of it, which has tossed me right back into despair.  So I cried for a bit and have decided, eventually, I'll get used to the disappointment and it won't be so bad and I'll feel like talking to people again and reclaim my life.

Being in the predicament we are, I tend to notice a lot of "baby" things.  Pregnant women, TV shows revolving around pregnancy, stores, adds, all kinds of things.  Some of them even give me a little hope.  Lately there seems to be an excess of it.  Part of me wants to be optimistic and say it's a "sign", the other part feels like it's the universe mocking me.  It really hurts.  I don't know how to stay positive when I feel this bad.  Do you?  Honestly, I already feel like I'm mourning the loss for this cycle, I'm trying not to, but it feels hopeless.  With any luck, I'm just hormonal and will be pleasantly surprised.  (see, I'm trying :-) )

So what do I do?  I'll get up and try to ignore the nagging doubt and underlying current of fear and go about my day on auto pilot.  If I can't manage to do that, and right now, it does't feel like I can, I'll just crawl back into bed and try to sleep through it.  I don't know what else to do.

50 min later:

The other thing to do apparently is to sob uncontrollably all morning.  Maybe this is pent up anxiety and fear.  Maybe this is mourning the loss of the Amigos.  Maybe the crying will purge my system of all things bad and toxic and things will be  brighter on the other side.

Hour after that:

I've stopped crying...for now.  I feel a bit better.  Resigned, but not mourful, well not that mournful.

Afternoon:

So, some conversations, some errands run, and a ginormus banana slurpy later...I'm tired.  Somewhat better, but tired.

The man said the most amazing things to me today.  He was quoting thing to me that were beautiful, I didn't want to tell him what a mess I was.  Finally I did.  Told him about the spotting, which to me is more like blood loss, and he said maybe they were both implantation spotting.  Maybe two implanted that's why it happened two days in a row.  That made me feel so much better.  I am willing to grasp at any straw.



I mean if Mulder and Scully can have a baby and they took ALL her ova, then I should be golden, right? Yeah ok, she did give birth to some sort of alien/human hybrid super soldier, but I figure that's a small price to pay...

My mood has improved.  Thanks to the man.  He's good to me.  Tomorrow will be another test.  Hopefully I will not freak out and have another meltdown.  We don't want it to be another one of those days.

How bad was it?  It was a two slurpy day.   Just sayin...

4DP3DT

A.M. Thoughts

I woke this morning with more cramping and spotting heavier than I would have liked to see.  It didn't look like new blood (I know TMI) which makes me feel a micro bit better.  But, it feels a lot like AF showing up.  Looks a lot like it too.  I have the same thing happen right before it shows, like a few days before.  I guess the most optimistic thing I can say about it is, the sooner my period starts the sooner we can start on the next cycle.  Sound like I've given up?  I think I have.  Why would it work this time?  Hasn't the other two times.  I know I'm emotional, hormonal and not the most rational right now, but what I think is at the root of it is, if it doesn't happen this year, it won't happen.  The insurance is gone.  The money is gone.  It's over.  I guess I must have been a really evil person in a past life or maybe this one because it seems someone feels I'm not deserving of a child, which is so unfair to the man, and I'm so sorry for that.

Well, I have to go administer the progesterone, although I feel like, "What's the point?"

Afternoon Thoughts:

Spotting stopped...that's good...probably.  Achy back, still in a mood though.  Talked to Best Friend, she cheered me up as always.

P.M. Thoughts:

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I ate too much!

3DP3DT

MY DAY!

6.30 A.M. Wake up, mind reeling.

6.35 A.M. Back is achy and I'm mildly crampy like PMS.

6.37 A.M. Convinced IVF didn't work.

6.45 A.M. Wonder about taking the Methylprednisolone.  Call RE, leave msg.

6.50 A.M. Feel hungry.  Have breakfast.

7.00 A.M. Check email and look for someone to assuage my fears.

7.22 A.M. No luck.  Crawl back into bed and try not to cry...Fail.

8.00 A.M. Nauseated.  Probably from antibiotic.

8.07 A.M. Contemplate Acupuncture...today.  Feeling desperate and panicky.

8.10 A.M. Go to bank, deposit check, buy box of Saltines.  Can't find 3 of our spare house keys.  Pissed!

8.15 A.M. Go back to bed.

11.30 A.M. Wake.  Feel somewhat better.

11.33 A.M. RE calls, answers question.

11.53 A.M. Lunch.

1.00 P.M. Feeling a bit better.

1.40 P.M. Scared it didn't work.

3.30 P.M. Tries to convince self symptoms are probably from progesterone.

Bloating; breast tenderness; constipation; cramping; drowsiness; fluid retention; headache; nausea; stomach pain; tiredness; vaginal burning or irritation; vomiting.

4.15 P.M. Prop tomato and peppers, added soil.

4.55 P.M. Clean refrigerator.  Realize it's because of my control issues and lack there of in situation and fear.

5.30 P.M. Whine at best friend.

6.00 P.M. Make dinner, don't eat, nauseated.

6.45 P.M Pick up man.

7.05 P.M. Man spies ripe strawberry I grew.

Me: Pick it!

Him: No

Me:  OK I'll do it.  (and do, handing it to him)

Him:  You grew this!  How did you do that?

Me: I really have no idea.

7.20 P.M. Eat Dinner.

7.55 P.M. More fear.

8.45 P.M. Sure IVF it didn't work.

8:50 P.M. Split strawberry.

9.15 P.M. Make chamomile tea.

9.30 P.M. Shower.

9.43 P.M. Drink tea and hope for calming effect.

11.25 P.M. Sure it didn't work.

11.33 P.M. Achy PMS type pain.  Very pessimistic.

Let me say, there is always this undercurrent of fear and tension.  When I note it, it's becuase it has turned into breath taking anxiety...  So, welcome to my day.

2DP3DT

Nothing really of note happened.  I had and appointment with my allergist. That's always fun.  I love my allergist.  I told him about the transfer on Saturday and he blessed my stomach!  HAHAAHHAHAHAAHA.  I think one of these days I'm gonna send him an invitation to have dinner.  I love that guy!

The only other thing that happened is I gave the 3 Amigos er Embryos their first taste of true junk food...JACK IN THE CRACK.  Mmmmmmmm...soooooooo gooooood!! And sooooooooo bad!  I know...but I just WANTED it!

Ok I lied, the other thing that happened to day is pain.  My insides hurt.  My ovaries where they drained hurt.  And every now and again the front of my tummy hurts just below my belly button hurts.  Sore from the retrieval I suppose.  After a couple of IVF cycles, I have found my insides are very sensitive.  I MAY even take some Tylenol tonight to help me sleep.  Haven't decided, I mean I can, I'm allowed but you know how it is...you want to do the right things...I know Jack wasn't the right thing but it was a yummy thing...

Anyway, that's about it unless you want to count my mind reeeeeeeeling!

1DP3DT (1 Day Past 3 Day Transfer)

I know I've been AWOL, but I've needed time.  The thing that surprises me is how tired I am.  I guess all the emotional stress has taken it's toll on me.  Honestly I feel like I could sleep for days.  You know what, maybe I will.  I can, so why not take advantage of it.

Retrieval Day:

You got part of that blog.  Having imbibed myself with gallons of liquid the day before, the nurse had no trouble finding my vain for the IV this time.  So I sit in pre-op waiting, reading a magazine, fawning over washers and dryers.  (This is how yo know you're old. lol)  The doctor who looks like she belongs on Grey's Anatomy, we'll call her Dr. O, comes over asks the usual questions, we chit chat a few seconds.  I told her I wrote about her in my blog.

Dr. O: Uh-oh

Me:     No, I said you looked like you belong on the cast of Grey's Anatomy

Dr. O:  Oh, thank you!

Disembodied Nurse Head From Behind Curtain:  I know doesn't she?!!  (head disappears)

We all laugh.

Me:  Now we just need to find Dr. McDreamy!

Dr. O:  I know!! Where's my McDreamy?!!!

Me: I don't know, but if you find McSteamy let me know!!

A few words with the very nice anaesthesiologist, then a bit later I walk into the OR.  They strap me down and put the mask on me.  If I have a choice, next time, no mask.  Give me the little nasal tubie thingie.  To claustrophobic for me.  Next thing I know, I'm out.  Now, it's only a general so there's no tube down the throat or anything and you are actually partially awake, but remember nothing. *shakes head* you'll see the humor in that later.

I wake up and they move me to a gurney and take me back to recovery.  They check me, make sure there is no excess bleeding.  There is some but they are not worried.  The expect it.  I get cleaned up and they leave me there to sort of come around.  The more I come around the more I hurt.

Nurse: You're frowning.

Me: Yeah.  I hurt.

Nurse:  Scale?

Me: About a 6

Nurse: That bad?  - she comes over pushes on my stomach

Me:  OUUUUCH!

Nurse: Well it's soft, so that's good.  Why don't I get you some pain killers.

Me:  OK.  (inside, NOW YOU'RE TALKING)

She gives me 25 whatevers of Phentenol (sp).  It takes the edge off for a little.  She comes back a while later.

Nurse:  How is it now?

Me: It was ok but now it's back.

Nurse:  Well you have had nearly a whole IV bag, your bladder is probably full, why don't we take you to empty it.

My bladder doesn't feel full but maybe the drugs are confusing me.  She walks me to the bathroom and I do my business. Which isn't a lot.  Glad I'm not that off.

Nurse:  Is there any bleeding?

Me: (happily) Nope.

We walk back to recovery.  She is hanging my IV again, and straightening the bed for me to get back in when I feel something on my leg.  I move my gown, look and I am dripping blood.  FUCK!

Me:  (FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!  But stating calmly) Um, I seem to be bleeding.

She looks over and goes into serious nurse mode gets me into bed and starts checking me out.  Goes to get Dr. O.  I hear them conferring and whispering, ad they come back.  Evidently, they also drained two endometriomas, and fluid and mucoid from my uterus.  They expected there to be bleeding.  What they are seeing is old blood so they're not that worried.  I'm so glad someone's not!  So they clean me up...again...and gave me more Phentenol and tried to make me more comfortable.  As before, it takes the edge off but that's about it.

Nurse:  I have a new plan.  I don't want to give you any more Phentenol because your respiratory signs are dropping.  I want to get you comfortable, get you in the car, and get you home where you can take vicodin.

Me: I love and support that plan.

After monitoring me for another half hour,  I get up and dressed and out.  I have vague recollections of getting home and having a conversation with my mother about sleeping on the couch.  The man fills my prescription and I spend the next couple of days drugged up.

Transfer Day:

I get up and go downstairs to make breakfast.  Take out bowl.  Get Cocoa Puffs off top of fridge.  Pour in bowl.  Get glass for orange juice.  Get milk and juice out of fridge.  Pour Cocoa Puffs into glass.  Look at glass.  Realize something is wrong, but can't quite figure it out.  Shit.  Pour Puffs into bowl.  Pick up glass, pick up juice in other hand.  Look at glass, look at juice.  Look at glass, look at juice.  Pour juice in glass.  Good.  Pour milk in cereal.  Put milk away on top of fridge...

Distracted much?

To do the transfer, you have to have a full bladder, helps push the uterus into the right position.  So I drink over a liter of water so by the time I get there, I have to pee so bad I might die and we are a half hour early.  So I cheat and pee.  Go up to the office continue to drink.  They call me in.  take an ultrasound of my bladder.

Another Nurse:  It's full.

Me:  I told you that already.

AN: I'm just gonna take a picture and show the doc.

She does and disappears forever.  Now, I am really uncomfortable and in pain.

Me:  I can't wait much longer.  I'm in pain.  I'm just gonna go empty it half way.

The Man:  Can you do that?

Me:  I don't have a choice.

We debate over this for another 5 minutes.

That's it!  I can't takes it no more!  I get up get dressed peek out the door. Coast is clear.  SNEAKY RUN down to the bathroom, pee like the wind, and empty half my bladder.  Get to the bathroom door, peek outside, coast still clear, RUUUUUUUUN back to the exam room!  TM and I laugh hysterically.

TM: You gonna tell the doc?

Me: Not if he doesn't ask.  I don't want to get in trouble.

A while later the doc comes in.

Doc:  Hello!  So your bladder is too full.

Me to my self (not anymore)

Doc: So we need you to empty it.  I want everything to go smoothly.  Did you empty it partially already.

BUSTED!  Me:  Yeah.

Doc:  That's good.  Now, go back, do a slow count to 12 and then stop.  That should leave plenty.

Me: Really?  Ok...

The doc leaves to go attend to something probably the Assisted Hatching with the embryologist.

Me:  I'm pretty sure there will be nothing left if I count to 12.

TM:  Good luck!

So I go to the bathroom.  Do my business, count to 12 and amazingly, bladder not empty!  Guess that's why they call him doc!  I go back to the room and wait.  Doc and AN come back do some ultrasounds, make sure the mucus is gone, things are cleaned up.  They are.  He goes in and does a little bit more house cleaning.

While he is doing that, I ask some questions, and he laughs.  Apparently, I was asking the same questions while I was "out".  He says, your not really unconscious, and you talk and stuff.  So it looks like I was telling Dr. O how pretty and smart she was and joking about Dr. McDreamy and then invited everyone over for a bar-b-que and cookies.  Gawd I'm such a dork.

Doc: (Laughing) No, no.  You don't tell any secrets or anything.

Ain't that a relief!

Doc:  All it says is your a very nice person.

I could die right now.

TM: That sounds like her.  Always wanting to feed people.

GAAAAWWWWDDDD!!!  I guess I am who I am...

Then, just like that, he's ready.  They bring in the embies.  With out any fan fare, transfer them into my uterus and he shows me the air bubble on the ultrasound.

Doc: There they are.  That is just an air bubble, they are too small to see but there they are.

And here they are...hopefully...my future:

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[caption id="attachment_127" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="The 3 Embryos"][/caption]

Day 16 Day Before Transfer

Nothing of note happened today.  I slept in really late!  I was very happy about that.  Nothing to get up for.  So nice.  I'm not in as much pain which is also nice.  Still hobbling though.  I guess when I'm laying around for the next few days, (becuase you know I'm fully gonna take advantage of this) I'll write up what the retrieval was all about.

CD 15 Day After Retrieval

I want to thank everyone for their calls and concerns.  As you could tell, I was not up to talking.  So here is the short long version...details to follow on a later post.

There was more pain than I had expected.

There was more blood than I wanted.

There were fewer eggs than I expected and wanted...4

On the upside of down, 3 of the 4 fertilized.

3 day transfer on Saturday, and I'll tell you what, if all 3 make it, I'm putting them ALL BACK IN!

So at this point, I don't want people calling, texting or commenting to me on all the dangers of transferring that many embryos.  I'm a big girl with a higher than average I.Q. I've read the statistics, I know the percentages.  I know about splitting and selective reduction.  So if you disapprove.  Keep it to your self. If you feel you can't, it will be deleted or you well be hung up on and never spoken to again.   Capiche?

CD 14 - RETRIEVAL DAY!!!!!

Well, I'm sitting here in the waiting room at my RE's.  It is hysterical to watch the men walking around with  paper bags containing their "genetic contribution" and looking all uncomfortable.  Every one in the waiting room looking at them like, "I know what YOU'VE been doing!"  Way too amusing.

9.15 AM

So all checked in, although I'm a little dismayed about it...I mean the woman knew I was here, talked to me, talked to the man...why wouldn't she just mark that I was here?  I went to the counter,

Me:  "I'm officially checking in."

Derogatory Nick Name:  "Oh OK.  You should have come up earlier, we're slow we could have got you rolling."

Me:  Utter confusion....*crickets*

Derogatory Nick Name:  "Ok, there you are...Thanks."

Whatev!

UPDATE: 8. 20 pm

Short story, it's done and it's disappointing.

Long story, I'll tell when I'm not hopped up on pain meds.

Thanks foreveryone's best wishes. They mean the world to us!

CD13-Retrieval T-Minus 1 Day

We are up at the BIL & SIL's house. They were gracious enough to allow us to spend the night so we didn't have to drive 2.5 hours to be at the clinic by 8.30 AM. Yuck.

So am I excited? No. Not really. Calm before the storm? Maybe. Not sure. I did have a moment where I was a bit excited but that's all. I was really excited my mom came down and helped me clean the house so I could convalesce and not have to stare at the disaster that was my house. Don't. Ask.

Since I will have an hour to kill tomorrow morning, I may try to blog a little if anyone wants to know. I just realized my email list is on my laptop and I am on SIL's computer...so no email tonight. LOL.

OK. I guess that's it. See ya later! Cross your fingers!

CD12/TRIGGER DAY

Antibiotic - Check.

HCG - T minus 2hours 25 minutes...

Mood:

Here is an example of my mood:

Last night I was watching a segment on 60 Minutes.  It was about a guy named John Kanzius.  He has invented a machine that may cure cancer.  They are having luck with animal test.  They are about 4 years out from human testings.  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN the research geeks talking about this machine!  (Don't get me wrong, I so luuuuuuuuuuuurv me some geeks!)  I haven't seen geeks on TV get that excited in...geeze, EVER!  It really is exciting I have to admit.  Anyway several time during the story I got all weepy.  "Oh my God!  They're actually gonna cure cancer!" weep, weep.

I am so fucking hormonal.

UPDATE:

Trigger -  Check.

CD11/SD11

I was right.

Tonight is my last dose of the stimulants and aspirin. (BTW thanks cuz for the aspirin!)

Monday night we start the antibiotic with dinner.  11.30 P.M. We trigger with the HCG.  Which is exactly 35 hours before retrieval.

Tuesday, more antibiotics morning and evening with food.  No eating or drinking for me after bedtime.  We will probably go stay at BIL & SIL's place they are closer to Stanford than we are.

Wednesday morning the man takes his last does of antibiotic.

8.30 A.M.  The man drops of his "Genetic Contribution"

9.30 A.M.  I check in.  (Notice I have to get up earlier becuase of him.  It's ok.  I checked with the doctor, I get good drugs.  Nananananaaaaaanaaaaaaa!)

10.30 A.M. Retrieval.

So that's the plan.  Then with any luck, they will fertilize and I will go back in 3-5 days later for the transfer.   Here is the best video I on Oocyte retrieval could find.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=60btZpQMEZg]

Here is one one assisted hatching.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=19iLtgR7ULQ]

And here is one of ICSI

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZBZIRQlL0n8&feature=related]

Well I have to go give myself the last of my stims.  So I'll see y'all later!!

CD10/SD10

I did nothing IVF related today (other than stab my self in the stomach with syringes repeatedly).  But forgot everything!!  Hormone related or am I just a dork?  I think the latter...

So here is what I think is going to happen.

Sunday:

A.M.:   Ganirelix
Noon:  Ultrasound
P.M.:    Follistim and Menopur

Monday:  

A.M.:    Ganirelix
P.M.:    Trigger

Wednesday:

Retrieve

I think...

CD9/SD9

My mood was better today.  So the appointment wasn't so bad.  Same ol' violation.  Poke, poke; lookie, lookie.  Could have 8-9 ready by retrieval day which may be Wednesday.  When we get closer, I'll put up some information on what happens.

I came home, ate lunch and was suddenly very, very tired.  I guess it takes more energy to grow a bunch of follies rather than 1-2.  They are so small, you wouldn't think it would take that much energy.   Or, I have had this stomach bug for a few days, I don't know if it's the side effects of the drugs or a bug, but that could be it too.  In any case, sleepy...zzzzzzzzzzzz...doughnuts....zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

CD8/SD8

I know I've been  a bitch these past couple of days, and to tell the truth, I'm still not over it.  But at least I'm blogging...

I go back in tomorrow for another violation ultrasound to see what's what.  They started me on the Ganirelix today.  Can I say...OW!!!  The needle does not play nice and the juice stings!!!  I don't like it.  But, whatever.  Dr doesn't feel we'll retrieve before Monday.  So tomorrow we'll see.

My mood is seriously bad.  Honestly, you know what I'm looking forward to?  The retrieval.  Why?  Because they will KNOCK. MY. ASS. OUT!  I just don't want to deal or think.  I'm seriously hoping for pain killers for after the procedure.  I'm REALLY sore for about 24-36 hours after a retrieval.  Not sure why, maybe just sensitive.  So it would be a nice bonus to be knocked out in addition to not being in pain.

And on a completely different topic, sort of...

Someone said to me recently, I can't remember who, "When life gives you lemons, throw them at people."  or something similar.  I like it.  Very violent.  How about squeezing the juice into someones eye!!!  That thought just makes me giddy!  As you can see...not better yet...

CD7/SD7

I have to go back Friday.  The results are disappointing to me.  We wont retrieve before Monday.

CD6/SD6

MENTAL HEALTH DAY

POSTING WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW

CD5/SD5

Well, I have 7-8 follies ranging from 5-10.  But, I'm told not to fret, it's still early.  So I go back in on Wednesday for another lookie-loo.  I hope more pop up.  It has me worried even if I'm not supposed to be.  The cyst I had is gonna be drained when they do the retrieval.  That should make things more comfortable for me.

I got some bad news today.  An online friend of mine had a heart attack and died Thursday.  I've been struggling with it all day.  She was only 34.  Has two small children.  The man came home from work and our usual greeting turned to me finally breaking down.

Talk about how unfair life is.  Some people want children so badly and struggle and fight for them.  Some may NEVER get them.  Then there are those who have a whole brood of babies they don't care about.  They do horrible things to them.  Abuse.  Abandonment.  Murder.  There are people who are wonderful parents and are taken too soon while others are left to perpetuate cycles of abuse.  At times like these I do question the motives of our higher power.  It makes faith a real struggle.  You want to scream at the powers that be, "WHY!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!  IT'S UNFAIR!! IT'S WRONG!  WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU GET TO DECIDE!!"  I can't imagine those questions will ever be answered.  Yes, I'm angry!  I'm angry at inequity and loss!  Sometimes I just want to break things!  I want THEM to hurt as badly as I do!  If they did maybe THEY would reconsider THEIR actions.

I could try to go out on a positive note, tell you to hug your loved ones, do all the things you keep putting off, blah, blah blah.  But I'm not feeling it.  Truthfully, all I really want to do is crawl into bed, stay there and weep.

Dawn, my girl.  Too soon, babe.  Too soon.  You so weren't done yet!    I miss you already.  I guess instead of being a mentor, you can now go and provide Spiritus ("the divine breath") to other writers.

Obituary:   http://www.ospreyobituaries.com/sitepages/obituary.asp?oId=250666&source=Belleville%20Intelligencer

Some of Dawn's Work:  http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/blackstump

CD4/SD4

I'm doing better today.  I called the RE Fellow on call this A.M. and she called in a prescription for me to help the migraine.  I think I love her.  I'm still not 100%, so I'm not gonna rant like I planned but I will bring up what had me astounded the other night.

Remember my mean little blind, knitting friend, the one who hits people with her cane?  Well, evidently she had company this weekend.  I'm not sure how it came up, but I get this email from her, she's on her cell phone, "I hate certain persons, especially when it comes to religion."  Uh oh.  Then I get an IM on Yahoo:

BKF:    I hate stupid people!!!
MWB:    oh no why?
BKF:    I have a fucker here pissing me off saying that you and pat need to adopt that you guys have no right
MWB:    no right to what
BKF:    I told him your God isn't right all the time look around fucker
BKF:    Ivf
MWB:    tell him when he gets elected god he can tell me what to do.
MWB:    what god didn’t make drs?
BKF:    Exactly
MWB:    self righteous bastard
MWB:    if he wants to live in the dark ages tell him to go find a nice third world country and kindly disappear and please don’t reproduce we don’t need any more narrow minded individuals in the world thank u
BKF:    I told him what if you were sterile and all your wife wanted was to have your baby
BKF:    He said then we'll adopt
MWB:    and that's a valid choice
MWB:    one we are not prepared to make yet
BKF:    I'm pissed off at narrow mindedness
MWB:    yeah
BKF:    I told him personally I've carried My Husband’s's babies and honestly if I couldn't I don't think I'd want to adopt
MWB:    does he have kids?
BKF:    No he's 30 and still a virgin
BKF:    Fucker
BKF:    I told Ed I didn't want him here this weekend
MWB:    tell his know it all ass to call me when he wants to have biological children and the possibility that he cant comes up
MWB:    tell him he should not speak of what he doesn't know
BKF:    He's got a whole idea of well it really wasn't meant to be thing
MWB:    mhmmm
MWB:    he ever been sick?
MWB:    ever been to a dr.
MWB:    had surgery
MWB:    fixed a car
BKF:    I.said I want to here from your future wife
BKF:    He's stupid totally stupid
MWB:    yup
BKF:    He's the one that landed the jet ski on the back of our boat and luckily the two in the back caught it and jumped otherwise they would’ve been hurt or dead
MWB:    idiot
BKF:    You know I'm all about what goes around comes around
BKF:    Hmmmmm I wonder what's coming around for him
MWB:    no one will marry him
MWB:    he'll die a virgin
BKF:    That's what I'm thinking too
BKF:    I love you you have the same mentality as me
BKF:    Are we broken or is it the world?
MWB:    the world


I fully expect by this point she has beaten him around the head and shoulders with her cane. *snicker*  Today the moron apparently did something else to piss her off involving her own kids.  Her husband is not happy either.  I'm guessing, he will never get an invitation back.  HAHA!

In other news, the shots are going OK.  Menopur still stings so I do that one first.  I'll see if I can manage to record myself mixing tomorrow so you can see.  I go in tomorrow so they can have a look at my follies.  Day 5 and all.  So we will see how they are developing.  I'm feeling a little full, bloated around my ovaries so my guess is they are growing or my insides are just swollen, which happens to me too.  I'm hoping for Type A follies!

Ok, that's all I got.  Thanks again to everyone for the great comments!  I really appreciate the well wishes and positive thoughts!

CD3/SD3

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="410" caption="MRI of Migraine"][/caption]

I had a whole big rant scheduled for this post but alas, a migraine has taken the wind out of my self righteous sails.  So rather than get my rant on, I'm gonna go get my migraine fight on.  My migraines are hormone based so I am not that surprised.  So did I plan ahead and call any of my many doctors to get a solution for it?  Of course not.  It was always, next time,  or later.  Well, that's what I get for procrastinating.  I guess I'll call them tomorrow.  I think I'll call the RE since they know what they want in my system and what they don't.  So, hopefully, I will be much better tomorrow and ready to rant about ignorant people.

CD2/SD2

Cramps from Hell - Looks like a duck.

Fatigue from Hell - Quacks like a duck.

Must be a duck.

Ergo - I'm in Hell!

So the Menopur didn't really sting this time so it must have been operator error; stabbed myself in the wrong place.  (Stab Stab - That's for you Sci!)

When I wasn't sleeping I was having an OK day.  So, that was good.  But the later it got, the more tired I got, probably the more hormonal I got, the more doubt and fear slipped in.  Mainly, what if it doesn't work?  BIG FEAR!  For a couple good reasons I don't have the emotional where-with-all to go into right now.  I know, I'm hormonal, moody and tired.

It. Will. Be.  Fine.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Ok, enough of that...here's a funny story.

I have this friend, we actually met on-line.  She's legally blind.  When we go out together, I don't let her take her cane with her.  No, I am not sadistic or mean!  I have self preservation skills!  She likes to hit people with her cane.  And unless I am on Lupron, I a not up for fighting fools!  This is one of the reasons I like her so much, actually.  (This is important to the story, I swear.) We met on a knitting forum.  She knits the most amazing stuff.  Stuff I can't do and I can see fine!  She asked me what knitted stuff I wanted for the baby.  I said everything.  All their clothes should be knit!  Well, that should use up about a quarter of her yarn stash.  That is no joke!  Anyway we were on-line last night yakin' it up.

Knitting Friend: "So are we going to the knitting convention in February?"

OK don't laugh we try to go every year.  It's fun.

Me:  "Planning on it...Oh wait, I should be VERY pregnant by then."  I do the math.  "Oh yeah, it should be fine."

Knitting Friend: "Can you see it now?  Me with my cane, pushing your too pregnant ass in a wheel chair?!!"

Hysterical laughter ensues.

I tell the man about the conversation.  More hysterical laughter, "I WOULD go to see that!"

Cue more laughter!

On that note, I guess I'm out.

Read more >> Options >>

Cycle Day 1/Stimulant Day 1 (CD1/SD1)

Tah Dah!!!!.  All went well at the doc today.  I hurled my questions at her like they were the last words that would ever leave my lips and she answered each one with out batting an eye.  I like that.  She assuaged all, well a lot of my fears and said my size 1 cyst was on the outside of my ovary so she could give a crap about it.   Yay me!  BUT!  She wanted to make sure so she sent me for a blood test to check my Estradiol Level.  They wanted it under 60.  Woot!!! I was.  What was it?  Click here----> X *snicker*

Anyway, I didn't get the number until I got home later and she said to go ahead and start the stims.  So what are the stims and how much am I taking?

Follistim - 425 IU:  This is a problem because the vials the pharmacy gave me are all 300 IU's, and you can only use one vial at a time, so you guessed it, I have to give myself at least 2 shots of this to get the right dosage.  Good thing it doesn't hurt, or at least I hit a spot that didn't hurt this time.  So what is the drug?

Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is a naturally occurring hormone. FSH is important in the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Follistim is a brand of follicle stimulating hormone.  Follistim is used to stimulate a follicle to develop and mature. It is used when a woman desires pregnancy and her ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is not sufficient to make the follicle mature. Follistim is also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="275" caption="Follistim Pen and Cartridge"][/wp_caption]

Menepure - 150 IU:  The vials come in 75 IU's so I have to mix them with a regular syringe to get the right amount, so only one shot!  This one stung a bit though... I wonder if it was my ineptitude or the drug actually stings.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow.  Anyway...ONE SHOT!! Woot!   What is this drug?

Menotropins are an equal mixture of the naturally occurring follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). FSH and LH are important for the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Menotropins are used to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg) when a woman's ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is deficient. Menotropins are also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="Menopur"][/wp_caption]

I'll make a video of me prepping the shots so you can see what I mean.  Do you want to see me give my self the injection as well?  Let me know.

Bottom line?  They help me produce many eggs.  Essentially...I'm a chicken...

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="177" caption="Black Hen on Eggs"][/wp_caption]

Hahahahaha get it?  Get it?  Black hen...eggs...no?  Geeze you guys suck!

Cycle Day 23

To obsess or not to obsess...Well, it's me so of course it's to obsess.  What's my latest bent?  Well 3-Day versus 5-Day transfer.  I'm debating with myself over how technical to get about this...hmmmm.  Fuck it.  I'll just see where it leads me.  As I understand it, if the fertilized eggs make it to good grade (1 or 2), and 8 cells by day 3, they will transfer it to another medium to grow to blastoycyst stage.

Numeric grading systems for multicell embryos usually have 4 levels:

Grade 1: even cell division, no fragmentation
Grade 2: even cell division, small fragmentation
Grade 3: uneven cell division, moderate fragmentation
Grade 4: uneven cell division, excessive fragmentation

Article by T. Timothy Smith, MD IVF Timetable and Embryo Grading

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="3-Day 8 Cell Embryo"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="5-Day Blastocyst"][/wp_caption]

My question is, what if the cells don't make it to 8 by day 3 and they decide to transfer on day 3 anyway, who's to say that they would develop any further in my uterus?  The fertilized egg doesn't usually make it to the uterus until day 5.  On day 3 they are still in the fallopian tube.  So does putting them in a place they are not supposed to be in for another couple of days risk the eggs?  If you keep them in the new medium, which is more like a fallopian tube environment for the 5 day transfer, does it give you better odds?  If they are not developing after 3 days doesn't it mean that there is a genetic problem?  Is transferring them on day 3 just taking the emotional responsibility off the RE?  The embies don't make it to day 5 so the couple screams, "Your lab screwed up my embryos!!"  Or are they in a back room somewhere shaking their collective heads at the poorly developed cells snickering, "Well, lets just transfer them since they aren't gonna make it anyway that way she will think it's her fault and not ours."  Is the reason they predominately do a 3 Day transfer because of insurance companies.  Does the extra expense and time it takes to nurture to the blast stage make it a financial decision rather than a scientific one?  Are they too large a clinic for them to bring it to blast effectively because they do so many procedures?  I told you I was obsessing.

My next not so heated obsess?  Well I guess it's not really an obsess more of a query.  Why didn't they put me on Lupron this cycle?  Curious...

My third obsess, Assisted Hatching.  To hatch or not to hatch?  What is it?  The embryo is first placed in a petrie dish containing culture solution. A special pipette is then used to hold the embryo in place. The embryologist takes a hollow needle that contains an acidic solution and places it next to the zona pellicuda. A tiny bit of this acidic solution is released from the needle so that it comes into contact with the zona pellicuda. ( I understand they are beginning to use lasers, too)  This acidic solution begins to slowly digest the protective layering, creating a small hole. The embryo is then washed in a special solution and placed back inside an incubator until the embryo transfer can take place. It seems to me if assisted hatching increases pregnancy rates why wouldn't you do it all the time?

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="Assisted Hatching"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="350" caption="Hatched Blast - Go little blast GO!!!"][/wp_caption]

I was reading about the reasons to do assisted hatching:

1. Where the woman is over a certain age (37 ick!).  --OK. That's me...


2. Egg quality and quantity.  Where the woman's FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone: 1- Hormone produced by the pituitary gland responsible for stimulating the growth of the follicle that surrounds the egg. FSH on CD3 of menstrual cycle is important in evaluating ovarian reserve.) hormone is high.  --Not sure about that, I think mine was.


3. The Z factor.  Where the Zona Pellucida (the outer covering of the egg...the shell) is thick.  --I have no idea...


4. Previous failed IVF attemps. --This is IVF #3

So, when I checked my paperwork, they don't have me down for assisted hatching.  WELL WHY THE FUCK NOT!!!  The poor doctor is soooooooo gonna get an ear full from me tomorrow.

Last obsess, what if they don't like the size of my size 1 follicle?  I have never been a size 1 anything...maybe shoe...Now, I'm complaining because I have something that is a size 1 and it too freaking big.  How wrong is that!!!!!  This is not going to be a very good night...

In other related news...you notice we are on Cycle Day 23 and Cycle Day 1 again...I'm tired, crampy, headachy...but no CD1.  Maybe tomorrow.

I was just re-reading this post and can you please add PMS to my "In other related news" list?  Sheesh...maybe it's a good thing I'm not on Lupron.  I might start killing fools.  The doctor was probably afraid for his life!

Cycle Day 22

Although, I'm really mostly posting about Cycle Day 17...AKA...HYSTEROSCOPY DAY!! *cue fanfare*

Ok, so the day starts ok.  I'm all packed for my weekend camping trip, we pack the car and head to the RE's office.  We're due for a 12:00 Check in for a 1:00pm procedure.  We are about half way there at 11:00am when I get a call on my cell phone.

"This is the RE's office, may I speak to MWB (Mommie Wanna Be) please?"

"This is she..."

"Hi, we have you scheduled for an 11:00am procedure with a 10:00am check in and you're not here."

"No, you have me scheduled for a 1:00pm procedure with a 12 Noon check in."

"Where did you get that information?"  I kid you NOT that is what the bitch said to me.

Getting up on my high horse, "On the paper work YOU gave me."

"I see.  Can you give me a minute to check on that?  Oh wait, can I just call you back?"

"Sure thing."  I hang up the phone turn to the man and repeat the conversation.  His face is blank.  I know what he is thinking, How will this affect my camping trip? Next I pull up my computer and look at the scanned document.  Yep 12 noon.  Shortly there after, I get a call back.

"You're saying no one called you to reschedule your time?"  Like I'm lying!!!  You do understand you can't eat or drink at all before the procedure... wouldn't I want to move it up so I could eat before 3PM???!!!

"Yes.  No one called me.  I got no messages."

"Hmmm...OK.  Well why don't you come in at the regularly scheduled time."  Like she's doing me a favor!!!

"Yes that will be fine."

A little while later at the RE's office...

BFF, "So you never got a phone call?"

"No.  Not a one.  Not a message or anything."

"That's odd, because she said she spoke to you."

WHAT LYING BITCH SAID THAT!!!!! "No.  She is mistaken.  She must have talked with someone else.  I mean doesn't it make sense I'd want to come in earlier for this?  It's not like it's any inconvenience."

BFF looks sceptical, I'm not sure if it's she doesn't believe me or she has concerns about whoever the lying bitch is who SAID she talked to me.  "Yeah it does."

"Maybe she just THINKS she talked to me because she misses me so much."  I quip.

BFF laughs.  Later I find out they are having a BBQ.  Probably why they wanted to reschedule so badly.  She must have lied to clear the books.  To hell with the worried woman on an IVF schedule because she is infertile and may never have her own biological child.  Bitch.

Later after the intake and instructions, I am in the preop room where they have to give me an IV.  Well, boys and girls, lesson one, if you have not eaten or had anything to drink all that day, you are dehydrated and it makes finding a vein very, very, very, very hard.  Yes I used four very's.  Why?  Because they tried to impale me FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES IN FOUR DIFFERENT PLACES!!!  Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and am a good sport!  They started out on my left hand, and didn't just poke and run, they had to wiggle it around in there awhile before they decided it wouldn't do.  Then they moved to my left wrist where they repeat the process.  Next moving to my right arm, not even at the elbow, lower on the sensitive part where they had so much fun the first two times they repeat it.  Yes there were two nurses.  Then finally my right hand where they did it all over again.  It took them over 30 minutes to get a vein!!!!  I won't lie.  Hurt like fuck!!  You can see my right hand was already starting to swell...



They get the IV in me and start an Advil like drug that is long acting like 8 hours to help with the cramping later in case I have some...in case I have some...in case I have some... *shakes head*

I walk into the OR and have to put my legs in some medieval torture device to keep them apart for the lookie loo.  Totally humiliating.

The doctor comes in and she looks like an extra for Grey's Anatomy.  Unbelievable.  Insult to injury.  We do the ultrasound first, she spies my cysts.  Looks a bit concerned so I start asking questions.  What do you see?  Every thing ok?

"You have a couple of large follicles."

"Yeah I know."

"How big were they?"

"Don't remember." heh "How big are they now?"

"About 1."

"Oh cool!  They were over 4!"

"OH Good!!  They are going down then!  Good!"

Next we prep for the Hysteroscopy.  Lemme break it down for ya.  Essentially, they take a camera and a hose, shove it up your hoohoo, and turn your uterus into a water balloon and take pictures of the experience.  Cramping?  Yes.  They were really good about it too.  "No need for you to suffer.  If your in pain tell us!"

"PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"

"That a girl!"  Nurse pushes more drugs.

Goooooood nurse!  I forgive you for turning me into a human voodoo doll.

So looking around my uterus, all looks clean.  Geeze, should be...

Back in the recovery room, they give me some apple juice and Graham crackers for being a good little pin cushion/water balloon and wait for my blood pressure and heart rate to go down before letting me go.

Conclusion?  I have to go back Thursday for an ultrasound to make sure the cysts are still shrinking.  I hope they are...I'm not convinced.  But if that goes well, then it will be Stim Day 1.

OMG!!  FIREFOX TOTALLY CRASHED ON ME AND I THOUGHT I LOST THE WHOLE POST!!!  FUCKTARDS!

Anywho...instead of posting them here, I'll link you to where all the pics of my hands and stuff are if you want to see the swelling a bruising.  My advice to you, if you ever have to do anything like this where you need an IV, and you can't eat or drink for a long time before hand, drink like a fish the day before so you stay hydrated and they can find your veins.  The nurse told me that.  Wish I'd have known that sooner...

IV Infamy

Saturday I was the last day of the birth control pills so somewhere around the 9th should be CD1 all over again.  We shall see.  Other than that, that's all I have to say!

Thanks again to everyone with their comments and tales, I really appreciated it.

Would I go camping after something like that again?  HELL to the NO!!.  I was a mess Friday.  Got up decided I needed a do over, went back to bed and got up again.  Saturday, the day we are supposed to go to the river, I wake up with a migraine!!!  I can not thank "D" enough for sharing her drugs with me.  If she hadn't I would have ended up in an ER for sure.  I had NOTHING strong enough for it.  God bless that woman!!!!  And never go camping in a confined space with someone who snores!  Well I'm just FULL of advice today!!  Anyway.  Don't do it.  It's more trouble than it's worth.  Your tired, achy and there is no real bathroom, or Internet connection.  Bad deal.  ;-)

Stay tuned for more exciting tales...

Cycle Day 16

I'm Back!  Miss me?  No?  Too bad.  Well we were out of town for a couple of days and while we were out of town, kissin' and huggin' on family, one of the bastards gave me a sore throat so I haven't felt up to blogging.  But now, I'm back.  Just in time to go away for another couple of days.  LOL.

The nurse called me back and told me they did a TSH on me and everything was where it should be.  Honestly that bums me out because it would have explained so many things.  Oh well.  She also said that the dr had me on a pretty high dose of stimulants.  So, maybe that will fix...something.  She also said that camping shouldn't be a problem.  She was a little concerned about floating down the river after having to dilate my cervix, but it should go back to normal before then.  I also need to stay out of the sun while I am on the antibiotic (which I hope will help clear up the sore throat).

Monday, we went to the IVF Orientation and Injection Training class.  It was mostly been there done that.  Except I had some different meds, so I wanted to be clear on those.  SOMEONE, was impatient and didn't want to stay.  He felt like he'd been there done that, I don't have to give you any injections, why do I have to be here?   I said fine, leave.  I'll walk home.  He laughed.  I was not amused.  At.  All.  Other than that, the class went well.  We need to stop by the pharmacy that gave me my drugs to pick up some Q*Caps that they took out of the box.  "Well most people don't get training on it so we take it out."  I think she has been sampling some of products she's been selling.  So we'll leave a little earlier and do that before hand.

I have a Talisman or Amulet.  I will take it with me to all my procedures.  I'm really happy about that.  Those of you who know my other identity, I will blog about it there.  Anyway it's a carved stone horse.  It's beautiful, perfect and given with absolute love.  So I know it will help!

Tomorrow I go in for the Hysteroscopy.  Am I nervous?  No.  But, if it does turn operative, then camping is out.  Which will bug me because I just spent 90 minutes packing.  I could have been sleeping!!!  HAHAHAHAHAAHA.  Yes, I am bringing my computer with me camping.  So, I may blog while I'm there and post when I get back.    Which reminds me, I need to find some movies to bring with me...It is a VERY.  LONG.  DRIVE.  Like 7 hours if we hit no traffic.    Fortunately we are taking the Mystery Machine and there is a bed in the back (which is why we are taking it, no tents) so while I am all drugged up, I can be in the back snoozin'.  I love that idea.  I also have a couple of audio books as well as regular books.  I should be good.

I was thinking the other day that maybe creating this blog wasn't the best idea.  I mean what if this round doesn't work.  Then everyone will know rather than just the two of us.  Very scary.  Not that I don't love my friends and family, but...I'm not one to share pain.  So, if the worst happens, don't take it personally if I don't want to talk.

Also, thanks to everyone for your comments.  They made me feel a bunch better.  I just want to do everything right, you know...of course you do.  And those of you who have been through it or are going through it or are about to go through it, you totally feel me!  So, that's it until later.  Wish me luck tomorrow!