Out, damn'd spot! out, I say! or Other Adventures Surrounding My Stupid Fucking Uterus

I like to think I'm a pretty reasonable person.  Not quick to emotion, fairly clear headed.  When I'm having trouble, I'm a solitary kind of creature.  When I'm having difficulty personally, emotionally, I crawl off like a hurt animal to suffer in silence until I can calm.  When I can't suffer in silence, I go further into the woods to howl in pain alone, again, until I calm.  My mother says I've done this since I was a kid.

If we go back a couple of weeks, when I was on the birth control pills, surprisingly my continued issue with spotting seemed to clear up.  I was obviously happy.  Then CD1 showed up and after the requisite week, the spotting continued, and still is.  Saturday, it seemed heavier than usual.  Now, I know one of the Estrace side effect is "Irregular vaginal bleeding or spotting", and that day I was scheduled to start taking it three times a day, but I hadn't yet.  So I was bummed.

Sunday morning I woke at 5:45 A.M., mind racing.  Thinking about the FET and the past six years of dealing with this shit.  It started with silent tears.  Then full-fledged crying.  So, I gave in to it.  I'll let it run its course.  Instead of running its self out, it got worse.  I sobbed and sobbed, then it got really bad.  I realized it wasn't stopping, and I had lost control.  Someone with control issues losing control is no small thing.  The Man had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs.  I gathered my convulsively crying self up and went downstairs bawling the way down, trying to rein it in.  As soon as I saw The Man I completely fell apart.  He was up like a shot and I crumpled.  He asked what was wrong, and after several strangled tries I finally choked out I was freaking out, and proceeded to do so, wailing about how I couldn't take another negative.  The crying fit didn't stop after my confession, inconceivably they got worse.  I was now dry heaving and hyperventilating.  It was frightening, I had no command over any of it, I couldn't breathe and my body was trying to expel whatever was evidently trying to kill me and I was terrified.  It just. wouldn't. stop.  I vaguely remember having visions of The Man racing me to the ER and them knocking my ass out.  Which, I would have really appreciated. After around an hour, I had finally gotten down to that hiccupy breathing, and was in a saner place.

Here are my questions.  What is causing the spotting?  Someone, somewhere KNOWS!  And someone somewhere KNOWS how to make it stop!  It doesn't make any fucking sense to put embryos into a uterus that is shedding lining all the fucking God Damn Time!  Does it? NO!  So why is no one else concerned but me?  WHY!! I do not want to waste those two precious, precious lives!  I will not!!

So here is how this is going down.  Wednesday when I go in for my ultrasound, I'm asking all those questions, AGAIN.  If I am the LEAST bit doubtful about the answers, I'm calling it off.  I will pull my feet out of the stirrups, get dressed and walk out of that office and start making phone calls to specialists.  All I will have lost is time and a bottle of Lupron.  I will get answers about the spotting and only when I am convinced about the situation or we have solved the spotting problem, will I do the FET.

How am I now?  Awful.  I'm a mess and in pain physically and emotionally, but I can put on a public face.  I can pretend that I'm a normal person and am not struggling.  Moment by moment is how I'll get through the next few days.  With any luck, no one will get hurt, including myself...well more hurt.