CD12/TRIGGER DAY

Antibiotic - Check.

HCG - T minus 2hours 25 minutes...

Mood:

Here is an example of my mood:

Last night I was watching a segment on 60 Minutes.  It was about a guy named John Kanzius.  He has invented a machine that may cure cancer.  They are having luck with animal test.  They are about 4 years out from human testings.  YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN the research geeks talking about this machine!  (Don't get me wrong, I so luuuuuuuuuuuurv me some geeks!)  I haven't seen geeks on TV get that excited in...geeze, EVER!  It really is exciting I have to admit.  Anyway several time during the story I got all weepy.  "Oh my God!  They're actually gonna cure cancer!" weep, weep.

I am so fucking hormonal.

UPDATE:

Trigger -  Check.

CD11/SD11

I was right.

Tonight is my last dose of the stimulants and aspirin. (BTW thanks cuz for the aspirin!)

Monday night we start the antibiotic with dinner.  11.30 P.M. We trigger with the HCG.  Which is exactly 35 hours before retrieval.

Tuesday, more antibiotics morning and evening with food.  No eating or drinking for me after bedtime.  We will probably go stay at BIL & SIL's place they are closer to Stanford than we are.

Wednesday morning the man takes his last does of antibiotic.

8.30 A.M.  The man drops of his "Genetic Contribution"

9.30 A.M.  I check in.  (Notice I have to get up earlier becuase of him.  It's ok.  I checked with the doctor, I get good drugs.  Nananananaaaaaanaaaaaaa!)

10.30 A.M. Retrieval.

So that's the plan.  Then with any luck, they will fertilize and I will go back in 3-5 days later for the transfer.   Here is the best video I on Oocyte retrieval could find.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=60btZpQMEZg]

Here is one one assisted hatching.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=19iLtgR7ULQ]

And here is one of ICSI

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZBZIRQlL0n8&feature=related]

Well I have to go give myself the last of my stims.  So I'll see y'all later!!

CD8/SD8

I know I've been  a bitch these past couple of days, and to tell the truth, I'm still not over it.  But at least I'm blogging...

I go back in tomorrow for another violation ultrasound to see what's what.  They started me on the Ganirelix today.  Can I say...OW!!!  The needle does not play nice and the juice stings!!!  I don't like it.  But, whatever.  Dr doesn't feel we'll retrieve before Monday.  So tomorrow we'll see.

My mood is seriously bad.  Honestly, you know what I'm looking forward to?  The retrieval.  Why?  Because they will KNOCK. MY. ASS. OUT!  I just don't want to deal or think.  I'm seriously hoping for pain killers for after the procedure.  I'm REALLY sore for about 24-36 hours after a retrieval.  Not sure why, maybe just sensitive.  So it would be a nice bonus to be knocked out in addition to not being in pain.

And on a completely different topic, sort of...

Someone said to me recently, I can't remember who, "When life gives you lemons, throw them at people."  or something similar.  I like it.  Very violent.  How about squeezing the juice into someones eye!!!  That thought just makes me giddy!  As you can see...not better yet...

CD7/SD7

I have to go back Friday.  The results are disappointing to me.  We wont retrieve before Monday.

CD4/SD4

I'm doing better today.  I called the RE Fellow on call this A.M. and she called in a prescription for me to help the migraine.  I think I love her.  I'm still not 100%, so I'm not gonna rant like I planned but I will bring up what had me astounded the other night.

Remember my mean little blind, knitting friend, the one who hits people with her cane?  Well, evidently she had company this weekend.  I'm not sure how it came up, but I get this email from her, she's on her cell phone, "I hate certain persons, especially when it comes to religion."  Uh oh.  Then I get an IM on Yahoo:

BKF:    I hate stupid people!!!
MWB:    oh no why?
BKF:    I have a fucker here pissing me off saying that you and pat need to adopt that you guys have no right
MWB:    no right to what
BKF:    I told him your God isn't right all the time look around fucker
BKF:    Ivf
MWB:    tell him when he gets elected god he can tell me what to do.
MWB:    what god didn’t make drs?
BKF:    Exactly
MWB:    self righteous bastard
MWB:    if he wants to live in the dark ages tell him to go find a nice third world country and kindly disappear and please don’t reproduce we don’t need any more narrow minded individuals in the world thank u
BKF:    I told him what if you were sterile and all your wife wanted was to have your baby
BKF:    He said then we'll adopt
MWB:    and that's a valid choice
MWB:    one we are not prepared to make yet
BKF:    I'm pissed off at narrow mindedness
MWB:    yeah
BKF:    I told him personally I've carried My Husband’s's babies and honestly if I couldn't I don't think I'd want to adopt
MWB:    does he have kids?
BKF:    No he's 30 and still a virgin
BKF:    Fucker
BKF:    I told Ed I didn't want him here this weekend
MWB:    tell his know it all ass to call me when he wants to have biological children and the possibility that he cant comes up
MWB:    tell him he should not speak of what he doesn't know
BKF:    He's got a whole idea of well it really wasn't meant to be thing
MWB:    mhmmm
MWB:    he ever been sick?
MWB:    ever been to a dr.
MWB:    had surgery
MWB:    fixed a car
BKF:    I.said I want to here from your future wife
BKF:    He's stupid totally stupid
MWB:    yup
BKF:    He's the one that landed the jet ski on the back of our boat and luckily the two in the back caught it and jumped otherwise they would’ve been hurt or dead
MWB:    idiot
BKF:    You know I'm all about what goes around comes around
BKF:    Hmmmmm I wonder what's coming around for him
MWB:    no one will marry him
MWB:    he'll die a virgin
BKF:    That's what I'm thinking too
BKF:    I love you you have the same mentality as me
BKF:    Are we broken or is it the world?
MWB:    the world


I fully expect by this point she has beaten him around the head and shoulders with her cane. *snicker*  Today the moron apparently did something else to piss her off involving her own kids.  Her husband is not happy either.  I'm guessing, he will never get an invitation back.  HAHA!

In other news, the shots are going OK.  Menopur still stings so I do that one first.  I'll see if I can manage to record myself mixing tomorrow so you can see.  I go in tomorrow so they can have a look at my follies.  Day 5 and all.  So we will see how they are developing.  I'm feeling a little full, bloated around my ovaries so my guess is they are growing or my insides are just swollen, which happens to me too.  I'm hoping for Type A follies!

Ok, that's all I got.  Thanks again to everyone for the great comments!  I really appreciate the well wishes and positive thoughts!

CD2/SD2

Cramps from Hell - Looks like a duck.

Fatigue from Hell - Quacks like a duck.

Must be a duck.

Ergo - I'm in Hell!

So the Menopur didn't really sting this time so it must have been operator error; stabbed myself in the wrong place.  (Stab Stab - That's for you Sci!)

When I wasn't sleeping I was having an OK day.  So, that was good.  But the later it got, the more tired I got, probably the more hormonal I got, the more doubt and fear slipped in.  Mainly, what if it doesn't work?  BIG FEAR!  For a couple good reasons I don't have the emotional where-with-all to go into right now.  I know, I'm hormonal, moody and tired.

It. Will. Be.  Fine.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Ok, enough of that...here's a funny story.

I have this friend, we actually met on-line.  She's legally blind.  When we go out together, I don't let her take her cane with her.  No, I am not sadistic or mean!  I have self preservation skills!  She likes to hit people with her cane.  And unless I am on Lupron, I a not up for fighting fools!  This is one of the reasons I like her so much, actually.  (This is important to the story, I swear.) We met on a knitting forum.  She knits the most amazing stuff.  Stuff I can't do and I can see fine!  She asked me what knitted stuff I wanted for the baby.  I said everything.  All their clothes should be knit!  Well, that should use up about a quarter of her yarn stash.  That is no joke!  Anyway we were on-line last night yakin' it up.

Knitting Friend: "So are we going to the knitting convention in February?"

OK don't laugh we try to go every year.  It's fun.

Me:  "Planning on it...Oh wait, I should be VERY pregnant by then."  I do the math.  "Oh yeah, it should be fine."

Knitting Friend: "Can you see it now?  Me with my cane, pushing your too pregnant ass in a wheel chair?!!"

Hysterical laughter ensues.

I tell the man about the conversation.  More hysterical laughter, "I WOULD go to see that!"

Cue more laughter!

On that note, I guess I'm out.

Read more >> Options >>

Cycle Day 1/Stimulant Day 1 (CD1/SD1)

Tah Dah!!!!.  All went well at the doc today.  I hurled my questions at her like they were the last words that would ever leave my lips and she answered each one with out batting an eye.  I like that.  She assuaged all, well a lot of my fears and said my size 1 cyst was on the outside of my ovary so she could give a crap about it.   Yay me!  BUT!  She wanted to make sure so she sent me for a blood test to check my Estradiol Level.  They wanted it under 60.  Woot!!! I was.  What was it?  Click here----> X *snicker*

Anyway, I didn't get the number until I got home later and she said to go ahead and start the stims.  So what are the stims and how much am I taking?

Follistim - 425 IU:  This is a problem because the vials the pharmacy gave me are all 300 IU's, and you can only use one vial at a time, so you guessed it, I have to give myself at least 2 shots of this to get the right dosage.  Good thing it doesn't hurt, or at least I hit a spot that didn't hurt this time.  So what is the drug?

Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is a naturally occurring hormone. FSH is important in the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Follistim is a brand of follicle stimulating hormone.  Follistim is used to stimulate a follicle to develop and mature. It is used when a woman desires pregnancy and her ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is not sufficient to make the follicle mature. Follistim is also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="275" caption="Follistim Pen and Cartridge"][/wp_caption]

Menepure - 150 IU:  The vials come in 75 IU's so I have to mix them with a regular syringe to get the right amount, so only one shot!  This one stung a bit though... I wonder if it was my ineptitude or the drug actually stings.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow.  Anyway...ONE SHOT!! Woot!   What is this drug?

Menotropins are an equal mixture of the naturally occurring follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). FSH and LH are important for the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Menotropins are used to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg) when a woman's ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is deficient. Menotropins are also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="Menopur"][/wp_caption]

I'll make a video of me prepping the shots so you can see what I mean.  Do you want to see me give my self the injection as well?  Let me know.

Bottom line?  They help me produce many eggs.  Essentially...I'm a chicken...

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="177" caption="Black Hen on Eggs"][/wp_caption]

Hahahahaha get it?  Get it?  Black hen...eggs...no?  Geeze you guys suck!

Cycle Day 23

To obsess or not to obsess...Well, it's me so of course it's to obsess.  What's my latest bent?  Well 3-Day versus 5-Day transfer.  I'm debating with myself over how technical to get about this...hmmmm.  Fuck it.  I'll just see where it leads me.  As I understand it, if the fertilized eggs make it to good grade (1 or 2), and 8 cells by day 3, they will transfer it to another medium to grow to blastoycyst stage.

Numeric grading systems for multicell embryos usually have 4 levels:

Grade 1: even cell division, no fragmentation
Grade 2: even cell division, small fragmentation
Grade 3: uneven cell division, moderate fragmentation
Grade 4: uneven cell division, excessive fragmentation

Article by T. Timothy Smith, MD IVF Timetable and Embryo Grading

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="3-Day 8 Cell Embryo"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="5-Day Blastocyst"][/wp_caption]

My question is, what if the cells don't make it to 8 by day 3 and they decide to transfer on day 3 anyway, who's to say that they would develop any further in my uterus?  The fertilized egg doesn't usually make it to the uterus until day 5.  On day 3 they are still in the fallopian tube.  So does putting them in a place they are not supposed to be in for another couple of days risk the eggs?  If you keep them in the new medium, which is more like a fallopian tube environment for the 5 day transfer, does it give you better odds?  If they are not developing after 3 days doesn't it mean that there is a genetic problem?  Is transferring them on day 3 just taking the emotional responsibility off the RE?  The embies don't make it to day 5 so the couple screams, "Your lab screwed up my embryos!!"  Or are they in a back room somewhere shaking their collective heads at the poorly developed cells snickering, "Well, lets just transfer them since they aren't gonna make it anyway that way she will think it's her fault and not ours."  Is the reason they predominately do a 3 Day transfer because of insurance companies.  Does the extra expense and time it takes to nurture to the blast stage make it a financial decision rather than a scientific one?  Are they too large a clinic for them to bring it to blast effectively because they do so many procedures?  I told you I was obsessing.

My next not so heated obsess?  Well I guess it's not really an obsess more of a query.  Why didn't they put me on Lupron this cycle?  Curious...

My third obsess, Assisted Hatching.  To hatch or not to hatch?  What is it?  The embryo is first placed in a petrie dish containing culture solution. A special pipette is then used to hold the embryo in place. The embryologist takes a hollow needle that contains an acidic solution and places it next to the zona pellicuda. A tiny bit of this acidic solution is released from the needle so that it comes into contact with the zona pellicuda. ( I understand they are beginning to use lasers, too)  This acidic solution begins to slowly digest the protective layering, creating a small hole. The embryo is then washed in a special solution and placed back inside an incubator until the embryo transfer can take place. It seems to me if assisted hatching increases pregnancy rates why wouldn't you do it all the time?

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="Assisted Hatching"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="350" caption="Hatched Blast - Go little blast GO!!!"][/wp_caption]

I was reading about the reasons to do assisted hatching:

1. Where the woman is over a certain age (37 ick!).  --OK. That's me...


2. Egg quality and quantity.  Where the woman's FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone: 1- Hormone produced by the pituitary gland responsible for stimulating the growth of the follicle that surrounds the egg. FSH on CD3 of menstrual cycle is important in evaluating ovarian reserve.) hormone is high.  --Not sure about that, I think mine was.


3. The Z factor.  Where the Zona Pellucida (the outer covering of the egg...the shell) is thick.  --I have no idea...


4. Previous failed IVF attemps. --This is IVF #3

So, when I checked my paperwork, they don't have me down for assisted hatching.  WELL WHY THE FUCK NOT!!!  The poor doctor is soooooooo gonna get an ear full from me tomorrow.

Last obsess, what if they don't like the size of my size 1 follicle?  I have never been a size 1 anything...maybe shoe...Now, I'm complaining because I have something that is a size 1 and it too freaking big.  How wrong is that!!!!!  This is not going to be a very good night...

In other related news...you notice we are on Cycle Day 23 and Cycle Day 1 again...I'm tired, crampy, headachy...but no CD1.  Maybe tomorrow.

I was just re-reading this post and can you please add PMS to my "In other related news" list?  Sheesh...maybe it's a good thing I'm not on Lupron.  I might start killing fools.  The doctor was probably afraid for his life!

Cycle Day 22

Although, I'm really mostly posting about Cycle Day 17...AKA...HYSTEROSCOPY DAY!! *cue fanfare*

Ok, so the day starts ok.  I'm all packed for my weekend camping trip, we pack the car and head to the RE's office.  We're due for a 12:00 Check in for a 1:00pm procedure.  We are about half way there at 11:00am when I get a call on my cell phone.

"This is the RE's office, may I speak to MWB (Mommie Wanna Be) please?"

"This is she..."

"Hi, we have you scheduled for an 11:00am procedure with a 10:00am check in and you're not here."

"No, you have me scheduled for a 1:00pm procedure with a 12 Noon check in."

"Where did you get that information?"  I kid you NOT that is what the bitch said to me.

Getting up on my high horse, "On the paper work YOU gave me."

"I see.  Can you give me a minute to check on that?  Oh wait, can I just call you back?"

"Sure thing."  I hang up the phone turn to the man and repeat the conversation.  His face is blank.  I know what he is thinking, How will this affect my camping trip? Next I pull up my computer and look at the scanned document.  Yep 12 noon.  Shortly there after, I get a call back.

"You're saying no one called you to reschedule your time?"  Like I'm lying!!!  You do understand you can't eat or drink at all before the procedure... wouldn't I want to move it up so I could eat before 3PM???!!!

"Yes.  No one called me.  I got no messages."

"Hmmm...OK.  Well why don't you come in at the regularly scheduled time."  Like she's doing me a favor!!!

"Yes that will be fine."

A little while later at the RE's office...

BFF, "So you never got a phone call?"

"No.  Not a one.  Not a message or anything."

"That's odd, because she said she spoke to you."

WHAT LYING BITCH SAID THAT!!!!! "No.  She is mistaken.  She must have talked with someone else.  I mean doesn't it make sense I'd want to come in earlier for this?  It's not like it's any inconvenience."

BFF looks sceptical, I'm not sure if it's she doesn't believe me or she has concerns about whoever the lying bitch is who SAID she talked to me.  "Yeah it does."

"Maybe she just THINKS she talked to me because she misses me so much."  I quip.

BFF laughs.  Later I find out they are having a BBQ.  Probably why they wanted to reschedule so badly.  She must have lied to clear the books.  To hell with the worried woman on an IVF schedule because she is infertile and may never have her own biological child.  Bitch.

Later after the intake and instructions, I am in the preop room where they have to give me an IV.  Well, boys and girls, lesson one, if you have not eaten or had anything to drink all that day, you are dehydrated and it makes finding a vein very, very, very, very hard.  Yes I used four very's.  Why?  Because they tried to impale me FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES IN FOUR DIFFERENT PLACES!!!  Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and am a good sport!  They started out on my left hand, and didn't just poke and run, they had to wiggle it around in there awhile before they decided it wouldn't do.  Then they moved to my left wrist where they repeat the process.  Next moving to my right arm, not even at the elbow, lower on the sensitive part where they had so much fun the first two times they repeat it.  Yes there were two nurses.  Then finally my right hand where they did it all over again.  It took them over 30 minutes to get a vein!!!!  I won't lie.  Hurt like fuck!!  You can see my right hand was already starting to swell...



They get the IV in me and start an Advil like drug that is long acting like 8 hours to help with the cramping later in case I have some...in case I have some...in case I have some... *shakes head*

I walk into the OR and have to put my legs in some medieval torture device to keep them apart for the lookie loo.  Totally humiliating.

The doctor comes in and she looks like an extra for Grey's Anatomy.  Unbelievable.  Insult to injury.  We do the ultrasound first, she spies my cysts.  Looks a bit concerned so I start asking questions.  What do you see?  Every thing ok?

"You have a couple of large follicles."

"Yeah I know."

"How big were they?"

"Don't remember." heh "How big are they now?"

"About 1."

"Oh cool!  They were over 4!"

"OH Good!!  They are going down then!  Good!"

Next we prep for the Hysteroscopy.  Lemme break it down for ya.  Essentially, they take a camera and a hose, shove it up your hoohoo, and turn your uterus into a water balloon and take pictures of the experience.  Cramping?  Yes.  They were really good about it too.  "No need for you to suffer.  If your in pain tell us!"

"PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"

"That a girl!"  Nurse pushes more drugs.

Goooooood nurse!  I forgive you for turning me into a human voodoo doll.

So looking around my uterus, all looks clean.  Geeze, should be...

Back in the recovery room, they give me some apple juice and Graham crackers for being a good little pin cushion/water balloon and wait for my blood pressure and heart rate to go down before letting me go.

Conclusion?  I have to go back Thursday for an ultrasound to make sure the cysts are still shrinking.  I hope they are...I'm not convinced.  But if that goes well, then it will be Stim Day 1.

OMG!!  FIREFOX TOTALLY CRASHED ON ME AND I THOUGHT I LOST THE WHOLE POST!!!  FUCKTARDS!

Anywho...instead of posting them here, I'll link you to where all the pics of my hands and stuff are if you want to see the swelling a bruising.  My advice to you, if you ever have to do anything like this where you need an IV, and you can't eat or drink for a long time before hand, drink like a fish the day before so you stay hydrated and they can find your veins.  The nurse told me that.  Wish I'd have known that sooner...

IV Infamy

Saturday I was the last day of the birth control pills so somewhere around the 9th should be CD1 all over again.  We shall see.  Other than that, that's all I have to say!

Thanks again to everyone with their comments and tales, I really appreciated it.

Would I go camping after something like that again?  HELL to the NO!!.  I was a mess Friday.  Got up decided I needed a do over, went back to bed and got up again.  Saturday, the day we are supposed to go to the river, I wake up with a migraine!!!  I can not thank "D" enough for sharing her drugs with me.  If she hadn't I would have ended up in an ER for sure.  I had NOTHING strong enough for it.  God bless that woman!!!!  And never go camping in a confined space with someone who snores!  Well I'm just FULL of advice today!!  Anyway.  Don't do it.  It's more trouble than it's worth.  Your tired, achy and there is no real bathroom, or Internet connection.  Bad deal.  ;-)

Stay tuned for more exciting tales...

Cycle Day 16

I'm Back!  Miss me?  No?  Too bad.  Well we were out of town for a couple of days and while we were out of town, kissin' and huggin' on family, one of the bastards gave me a sore throat so I haven't felt up to blogging.  But now, I'm back.  Just in time to go away for another couple of days.  LOL.

The nurse called me back and told me they did a TSH on me and everything was where it should be.  Honestly that bums me out because it would have explained so many things.  Oh well.  She also said that the dr had me on a pretty high dose of stimulants.  So, maybe that will fix...something.  She also said that camping shouldn't be a problem.  She was a little concerned about floating down the river after having to dilate my cervix, but it should go back to normal before then.  I also need to stay out of the sun while I am on the antibiotic (which I hope will help clear up the sore throat).

Monday, we went to the IVF Orientation and Injection Training class.  It was mostly been there done that.  Except I had some different meds, so I wanted to be clear on those.  SOMEONE, was impatient and didn't want to stay.  He felt like he'd been there done that, I don't have to give you any injections, why do I have to be here?   I said fine, leave.  I'll walk home.  He laughed.  I was not amused.  At.  All.  Other than that, the class went well.  We need to stop by the pharmacy that gave me my drugs to pick up some Q*Caps that they took out of the box.  "Well most people don't get training on it so we take it out."  I think she has been sampling some of products she's been selling.  So we'll leave a little earlier and do that before hand.

I have a Talisman or Amulet.  I will take it with me to all my procedures.  I'm really happy about that.  Those of you who know my other identity, I will blog about it there.  Anyway it's a carved stone horse.  It's beautiful, perfect and given with absolute love.  So I know it will help!

Tomorrow I go in for the Hysteroscopy.  Am I nervous?  No.  But, if it does turn operative, then camping is out.  Which will bug me because I just spent 90 minutes packing.  I could have been sleeping!!!  HAHAHAHAHAAHA.  Yes, I am bringing my computer with me camping.  So, I may blog while I'm there and post when I get back.    Which reminds me, I need to find some movies to bring with me...It is a VERY.  LONG.  DRIVE.  Like 7 hours if we hit no traffic.    Fortunately we are taking the Mystery Machine and there is a bed in the back (which is why we are taking it, no tents) so while I am all drugged up, I can be in the back snoozin'.  I love that idea.  I also have a couple of audio books as well as regular books.  I should be good.

I was thinking the other day that maybe creating this blog wasn't the best idea.  I mean what if this round doesn't work.  Then everyone will know rather than just the two of us.  Very scary.  Not that I don't love my friends and family, but...I'm not one to share pain.  So, if the worst happens, don't take it personally if I don't want to talk.

Also, thanks to everyone for your comments.  They made me feel a bunch better.  I just want to do everything right, you know...of course you do.  And those of you who have been through it or are going through it or are about to go through it, you totally feel me!  So, that's it until later.  Wish me luck tomorrow!

Cycle Day 10

I spent last night obsessing.  No surprise there right.  Why?  Well, the reason I had a hysteroscopy the first time was because I had been spotting between cycles and didn't know why.  They did an ultrasound and found my lining to be 11.4.  It should have been less than 5.  So they scheduled a D&C and hysteroscopy to see if there were polyps, fibroid, tumors and other unwanted items that would be causing the bleeding.  Well tests and pictures came back clean so what could it be?  She didn't know, thinks it's probably hormonal, check with my RE.  So, after the D&C I didn't have a cycle for like 6 weeks or something so we induced with Provera.  Worked like a charm.  Then a month later I had my first natural cycle.  I am just off this cycle but I am still spotting.  Now, it doesn't take a genius to realize you can't drop in embryos in a uterus that is continuing to shed and cause spotting.  So, I started researching and discovered an underactive thyroid would cause this.  It would also cause some of the other issues I'm having.  The good news is, it is so easily treated that it wouldn't cause an issue with the IVF.  In fact it is one of the things they watch during the first weeks of pregnancy.  The baby relies on the mother's thyroid, so it grows to sustain the baby until it develops it's own after about 10 weeks, then shrinks back down.   So obviously, they have to keep that in check.  I called the RE today and asked two things.  1.  Did they do a full thyroid blood panel when they did the other blood tests.  2.  Would it be OK to go camping after the hysteroscopy.  Since there would be no running water or bathrooms.  I am concerned about pain, what bleeding might occur and infections.  I may still be able to go camping, but I probably won't get to float down the river.  That's fine.  I didn't get to last year either.  They said the nurse would call me back in the next 24 hours.  No call back today.  I'll call them tomorrow morning and tell them WHEN the nurse calls me back TODAY, to do so on my cell.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

P.S.

I'm out of town for the next couple of days, so there may or may not be any posts.  But, have no fear!  I shall return.  I know, I know.  You can breathe now.

Cycle Day 9

I have a couple things to talk about today that I forgot to mention yesterday.

First, I need to make another confession.  I'm apparently suffering from anxiety.  I guess that goes hand in hand with fear.  How did I come to this enlightening conclusion?  My hands hurt.  OK, stick with me...

My hands have been hurting.  Even with as much typing as I do, there is no reason for my hands to be feeling like this.  Honest.  I don't type THAT much!  Then, two nights in a row, I wake to me, gripping my blankets like it is a life line; the only thing coming between me and a long, painful drop onto sharp rocks covered in salt!  Why didn't I figure it out the FIRST night I woke up this way.  I forgot.  I've been tired lately, back off.  The second night I was like, "Ohhhhh..."  I'm not really sure how to deal with that. When I find myself doing that and I'm awake, (I SAID back off!!  I'm working through my denial!)  I just stop, stretch my hands, breathe, relax.  Not sure how to do that when you're sleeping...Any ideas?

Second

Yesterday we got a notice that my insurance had been canceled due to lack of payment in April.  WTF!!!  So we looked it up there was a payment in April and May.  There were other notices from them saying there was continuation of coverage blah, blah, blah...same old stuff...oh, that and the premium had gone up.  So I call them.  "Sorry ma'am, I don't see that your account has been cancelled.  Sorry for scaring the living shit out of you!  Is there anything else I can do?"

"No, thank you."  I hang up.  Can you believe that crap?  Like I'm not neurotic enough!!  You do remember the COST of IVF don't you???

THEN!!!!  They had the nerve to call me today to tell me my coverage had been reinstated.  WTF!!!  AGAIN!!  I stopped him in mid schpeal.  "Excuse me, you're telling me my coverage was cancelled and now is reinstated?"

"Yes ma'am.  Did I stutter?"

"No, but I do believe you're talking out of your ass.  Why the fuck did you cancel it, Ass talker?  May I call you Ass Talker?"

"Sure, call me A.T. for short!  I've been called worse.  But Um...I don't know why your coverage was canceled.  It doesn't say. But it's reinstated!  And the rates have gone up to..."

"Wait A.T.  Why the hell did the rates go up?"

Exasperated sigh, "Not becuase we were a bunch of dumbasses and cancelled your insurance for no reason.  The company just raised the rates since you are gonna be spending like $15,000 of our money.  They had to recoup it somehow.  So we are gonna make everyone pay."

"OK...  Will the new rates will be up on your site so I don't have to write down the number?"

"If you're that feeble, yes it will be up there."

"Whatever A.T., I hope you and your other Ass Talking clan, never find a parking space ever again!"

"Thank you, have a nice day."

"Bite me."

Third bit of information that came to me today.  The hysterosocopy... IS ON!!  Yes ladies and gentlemen, the film crew will be invading my uterus July 3, 2007.  Not sure of the release date, you know how it goes, editing, titles, music...all that Hollywood stuff.  I'm not sure of the pay, since I'm not in the union, but, I'd be happy with scale.  (Like I know what scale is...)  So, why are they doing it?  Well, apparently after reviewing the ultrasound, they saw a mucoid something or other on my lining.  I would go into it, but I'm really not sure what it means.  I don't know why it would be there.  Or really what it is.  I mean I kinda, sorta know what it is, but if you want to know what it is...here.  Trust me, there will be a lot of questions about this.

Anyway, I say to the nurse, "I'm ok with this.  I just wanted to know that there was a reason for the procedure, that you weren't just doing it becuase, it's like the military and you're just doing it becuase  you were orderd to. "

She found that funny.  Not sure why.

"Anyway.  I also just wanted to say, I know you don't like to knock people out doing this procedure in office.  The last time I had this done they did knock me out, by the way.  But I just want you to know I'm very anxious about this.  I know it is not a comfortable procedure."

Again she laughed.  Apparently, I'm hilarious and need to get a stand up job.

"So, I will show up wearing my big girl panties, but I just want everyone involved to know, I am anxious about this."

More laughter, "Ok.  Don't worry .  It will be fine."

I guess she gets this a lot and is not phased, which, on some level is comforting.  Oh well, I guess we'll see.

So, next Mondy we go do the IVF Orientation and Injection Training 12.45-4.00.  Gawd!  Oh, and we are supposed to bring two oranges to the injection training.  This cracks me up.  My hope is that they make us peel the orange before we start sticking it with needles.  I mean, if anyone has skin that resembles an orange, they really need to be seeing a completely different doctor.   Then we go back up on Thursday for the filming, check in 12.00 noon!  I'm ready for my close up!!

Cycle Day 8

*Sigh*  Last night was a tough night.  I couldn't sleep.  I don't know if I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing or my mind was racing because I couldn't sleep.  Doesn't really matter I guess.  So what was my mind busy with?  The short answer...Fear.

Fear that this cycle wouldn't work.  Fear it would never work.  Fear of all that that means.  How how I would deal with that?  What would I do?  I lay in bed, (lie in bed? whatever) staring at the ceiling.  The room is dark, meaning there are no lights on.  Dark isn't really dark you know.  Not in populated areas.  You can still see.  I don't know what I expected to appear.  Specters laughing at me?  Mocking me?  Pitying me?  But the only thing I saw were shadows.  When my hair was wet enough, I looked around the room.  I never really thought about he phrase, "Silent Tears."  Now I understand it.  I let tears slip from my eyes where they disappeared into my hairline.   I thought about stopping them.  I thought about getting up and going to another part of the house and wailing.  I settled on turning over, taking a tissue and planting it so the tears would be caught without soaking my pillow.

I would talk about my fears in more detail, but quite honestly, I'm not ready.  Way too close.  Way too painful.  I won't even go into the outside imagery that contributes to the pain.  But I figure admitting you have the pain is the first step.  Confronting it and admitting it to others I think must be like step 700 or something.  So when I get my feet under me, maybe I'll talk about that more.

So tonight, I have taken three, yes three Extra Strength Tylenol to get rid of this splitting headache brought on by drug withdrawal, new medication, lack of sleep and crying.

How's that for keeping it real?  Enjoy some poetry...

Broken

by Cole Goodwin

Crack my eggshell heart on the spine of a book
Watch the bruised and scarred memories spill out in the light of day
Over the pages and into a cracked life
Pain hidden in the dark and under pressure
The book’s words demand their due

The tome's debt is paid with torturous memories
Vials of blood
Syringes of synthetic life
Aspirated hope
Inconsolable tears and unfathomable grief
All shed from denial of instinctual needs

Close the pages and return to lying
My world is ok, my soul is happy
Sweep the crimson mess under the smile
Return the empty shell to my chest.

Cycle Day 7

Before we get started, please notice the poll to the right.  Please participate!

Mood:

Good, actually.  Most of the symptoms are subsiding.  I am pleased.  The cyst was angry again today, I guess it is fighting to stick around.  Either that or it is leaking...that would cause pain too.  I don't know.  We'll see.  I didn't get a chance to call the Clinic today about the Hysteroscopy.  I'll do that tomorrow.  I'm still hoping not to have to do the procedure.  So, still crossing my fingers.

If I may, and since it IS my blog, I will, I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone for the nice emails and cards.  Your kind words mean the world to us and they are greatly appreciated.

Today's topic!

Baseline Ultrasounds also known as, "Couldn't you at least buy me dinner and drinks first?"

Baseline Ultrasound:

I guess most people's vision of an ultrasound is you lie on a table the ultrasound tech or doctor pulls out a crescent shaped doodad, squirts cold, clear goo on your tummy and runs said doodad over your tummy and says things like, "Oooooooo!  Nice pancreas!"  (honest I got that once)  or, "Do you want to know what the sex is?" (the phrase I long to hear)

I tell you, how I long for those days, now I get Ultrasounds with this thing.

And THIS THING!

It's called a Transvaginal Ultrasound.  Transvaginal ultrasound is a type of pelvic ultrasound.  It is a method to look at a woman's reproductive organs, including the uterus, ovaries, cervix and vagina. Transvaginal means across or through the vagina.

How the Test is Performed

You lie down on a table with your knees bent and feet in holders called stirrups. (shaking head) The health care provider will place a probe, called a transducer, into the vagina. The probe is covered with a condom and a gel. ( again with the head shaking)  The probe sends out sound waves, which reflect off body structures. A computer receives these waves and uses them to create a picture. The doctor can immediately see the picture on a nearby TV monitor.  (I've gotten pretty good at reading these ultrasounds.  In fact, good enough I looked into Ultrasound Tech school.  There are none near me.  Sucks huh?)

The health care provider will move the probe within the area to see the pelvic organs. This test can be used during pregnancy.

In some cases, a special transvaginal ultrasound method called saline infusion sonography (SIS), also called sonohysterography or hysterosonography, may be needed to more clearly view the uterus.  (Yeah, been there, done that, pffffffft.)  This test requires saline (sterile salt water) to be placed into the uterus before the ultrasound. The saline helps outline any abnormal masses, so the doctor can get a better idea of their size.  SIS is not done on pregnant women.  (Uh, gee, ya think?)

So, they go in there, look around check out the uterine lining, fallopian tubes, ovaries and follicles.  Looking at the follicles is the exciting part. Hmmm...maybe that will another post, all about the stimulants and follicles.

Ok.  I guess that's it for today.  Tomorrow's topic?  I have no idea.  Suggestions?

Cycle Day 6

Let's see...

√     Headache
√     Cramps
√     Angry Cyst
√     Fatigue
√     Stomach Ache

Good!  Everything in order.

So, you all know what a hysteroscopy is?

Hysteroscopy:

Well class, basically, it is a diagnostic tool used to check out the the hotel (uterus).  You know, make sure the accommodations are good, everything is in place, no unwanted visitors, all the amenities are in working condition.  It's done with a hysteroscope, which is a thin telescope that is inserted through the front door (use your imagination) , past the lobby, (cervix) into the hotel room (uterus). Because the inside of the hotel room  is a potential cavity, like a collapsed air dome, it is necessary to fill (distend) it with either a liquid or a gas (carbon dioxide) in order to see.  How comfortable does that sound?

Usually unless a women has major medical problems, they do diagnostic hysteroscopy in office.   They numb the cervix, they say this is easily done and rarely uncomfortable.  I will have to take their word on that since the one I had, they knocked me the fuck out.  Thank you Dr. P!   They attach a video camera to the hysteroscope, so the patient can also see, and then insert the hysteroscope into the uterus under direct vision while using either saline or carbon dioxide to fill the uterus.  Usually this causes mild cramping.  ( Uh, ya think?!!)  They then can look for fibroids, polyps, and other problems that may be causing bleeding.  This often takes about a minute or two.  The hysteroscope is removed.  A small plastic tube may be used to take a sample of the lining of the uterus.  That's it!  Yeah, right...  I thought about putting pictures of hysteroscopy that show some of the stuff they are looking for, but I realize not every one has the stomach for it.  So I won't post those, or my own, even though my hotel room is clean as a whistle.   Which, by the way who came up with that saying?  Whistles seem very dirty to me...all that spit...yuck.  So let's say...clean as can be!  Woot!  Yay my uterus!

I know what you're wondering. Isn't that gonna hurt WAY too much to be done in an office?  They TELL ME, by being very gentle, and using local anesthesia, there is usually minimal discomfort during the procedure.  AND, most women are able to get up and return to their normal activities immediately.  They also say, if someone is very anxious, it is possible to give a short acting narcotic intravenously.  This makes it very unlikely that the procedure will be uncomfortable. OH YEAH BABY!! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!!  Sign me up!

They hysteroscopy I had was an Operative Hysteroscopy.  During operative hysteroscopy a type of hysteroscope is used that has channels in which it is possible to insert very thin instruments.  These instruments can be used to remove polyps, to cut adhesions, and do other procedures.   They had to clean out my hotel room.  Apparently the staff went on vacation and it needed a Dusting and Cleaning (D&C).  My lining was at like 11.4.  (should be less than 5) Oooops.  I am such an over achieving, pack rat.

So there you have it.  Hysteroscopy.  Love it!  Live it!  Embrace it!  Unless of course you had one in March and don't feel you need another...then sod it!

Cycle Day 4

Well, the BIG deal on cycle day 4? I start birth controls pills! Because, of course, you wanna take birth control pills when you're trying to get pregnant!

OK, Explanation. You take the pills so the RE had control over your cycle. They know exactly when everything is supposed to happen. Capiche?

I decide to stay indoors most of today because it's hot. How hot? Like, Africa Hot! I kid you not, it was 109 degrees! One oh freaking 9!!! I should have gone first thing in the morning. I am not bright.

I gather my library books I need to return to the library and the rest of my junk and hit my car, which inside is like 306 degrees. Air conditioner full blast, Check! iPod, Check! *sings happily to Billy Joel's Oh What a Night* QUIT JUDGING ME!!! Off I go.

Again I have the parking karma, and find a spot in front of the library, go in return my books. Then pick up the audio books I have on hold. One of which is 27 hours long!!! And you though I was long winded! HA! Then she shows me these "Take Away" books. They are like mini mp3 players with one book on them. You check them out. All you provide is the batteries and headphones. Very cool!

Me: "Very cool!"

She: "Yeah every thing is getting smaller...except me."

Me: "Bwahahahahahahahahahahaahaahahahaha. Please honey, let's not go there today. It's too damn hot!"

She: Smiles brightly and walks away.

Today's lesson? I want to work at the library in town. Every time I go there, people are nice to me, give me books and make me laugh.

Ok, off to 7-11. Yes I said 7-11. Why? Remember my slushie love? Well I needed another one. They had a whole bank of machines! Like 12 fountains!! 3 of them worked! LOL. Hot day today! The three flavors they had were blue, ( not sure what flavor that is), Jolly Rancher Green Apple, ( my next conquest methinks) and Pepsi. BEST $1.94 I ever spent on 40 oz. of slushie, Pepsi goodness! Mmmmmmmm... And yes I did drink the whole thing! *Slurp* Wait, I'm supposed to be giving up caffeine...does a Pepsi flavored slushie have caffeine? Oh well, too late now!

Next stop, pharmacy. Ok. Get out of the car and am hit by a mighty, 109 degree wind. Holy Mother of God!!! Get in the store, pick up the drugs and the woman behind the counter was not impressed by me...At. All. Not sure what I ever did to her, but whatever.

Girl: "The pharmacist would like to speak to you about this."

Me: Thinking, you have no idea about my world... Saying, "Why? It's just birth control isn't it?"

Girl: Looking at me like she might crack.

Me: "Taken it before...Take one pill, once a day, same time every day..."

Girl: Smiles, "Ok. It just says here on the paper..."

Me. Thinking, I probably just saved you some work and that's why your smiling. "Bye!"

I walk out of the store and I swear to you, the same damn, wind was waiting for me when I got out. Bastard.

So, docs have prescribed Desogen. Of course insurance says here, have the generic brand, Reclipsen. Whatever. Same stuff different packaging. Brown and unattractive.

From the patient information insert:

5. Other side effects
Other side effects may include nausea and vomiting, change in appetite, headache, nervousness, depression, dizziness, loss of scalp hair, rash, and vaginal infections.
If any of these side effects bother you, call your doctor or clinic.

IF THEY BOTHER YOU??!!???!!!!!!

BOTHER??!!!!

I don't know what to say to that? That's not even true. There is too much to say about that! I don't think I have enough space to blog about all that is wrong with #5. Who writes this shit?

Anyway...I then make a stop at a fast food place and get a small snack because my stomach has finally decided it wants something, and it must be salty. Then, I'm home, eating my salty snack, drinking my ginormus slushie, in my air conditions home. Don't be a hater!

Tonight I will take the big step of punching out the little white pill and swallowing it. I'm so excited!!!!! Not.

Oh yeah, and can I say it's STILL HOT!!!! 9.00 pm and it's 93 degrees! F*ck Me!

Cycle Day 3

UGH! What a day! So, as we all know, I had my scheduling appointment today. No biggie. I planned everything down to a T. Leave, go to the Drugstore and pick up drugs, go to lab have blood drawn, go to appointment find out the schedule of things to come. Everything was perfect until...I realized I miscalculated and should have left at 12 rather than 1.

As if that wasn't enough, I had a bout of stomach...something. Knocked me flat for like 20 minutes. I probably would have gotten out a lot sooner if that hadn't happened. I've had a stomach ache off and on all day now. Not to mention the cyst crap on top of the usual cycle symptoms. Being a girl SUCKS!

Anyway, I race around the house get out around 12.40 and drive like a bat out of hell. All the way to the light next to my street; here it went through like 7 cycles and never gave us a green. Ok, it wasn't 7, it was more like 2 or 3 but I was impatient and made a right turn out of a left turn lane. It all worked out, the gas station was that way, so I got some gas so I wouldn't run out on the way to my appointment.

Oh and did I mention it was 95 degrees when I left the house. WTF? Let's hear it for air conditioning.

So, on my way I hit two traffic jams. The first one...there was no reason for it. All the cars just stopped. STOPPED! Like all War of the Worlds, no power stopped. I guess people just forgot how to drive. Morons. The second people had to rubberneck. I HATE THAT!!!

I get to the super snooty college town where the drugstore and my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) are located. I drive slowly, looking for the store, and manage to not realize I was blocking an intersection, even though it was my green. But, I put the car in reverse and back up because I don't want to be THAT person. The light changes to red. I wait and it turns back to green, and I have forgotten to take the car out of reverse. Doy! The car behind me honks because I slowly start to roll backwards. Ooops! My bad! Sorry!

I make my way though the very pretty tree lined streets and find the drugstore. It was like thisbig. I was lucky I even SAW it! Then what do you think happened? Of course this little uppity town had like no parking...but today I had parking karma and found a space I could just pull into and didn't even have to parallel park on a busy two lane street! Yay me!!

I go in an pickup my drugs. Comes to like $360. I know! I was like,

"I thought you said my insurance covered this?"

"It does. You have REALLY good insurance! I had to do a double take. Quit your whining."

"Then why so much?"

She holds up the receipt. "Look you stupid twit!"

"HOLY MAN HOLE COVERS BATMAN!"

"I KNOW!"

"I'll shut up now."

"Good."

(OK,she wasn't mean like that but it was a better story...)

I paid $100 for one and $75 for the other...crazy. See pictures at the end of the post.

So I swipe the card, pay and then am escorted to secret back room where the pharmacist goes over my HUGE GROCERY BAG of drugs. DAYUM! Again, see pics at the end of the post because I can't figure out how to paste them individually.

After the consult I realized I had 20 minutes to get to my appointment. I race across the street get in the car and drive like a madwoman (well as fast as the little idyllic, tree lined streets would let me drive) to the RE's. I gather all my stuff (except for the blood work paperwork because I'm an ass) race up to the office and check in. The receptionist has gotten a nose ring (one of which I have) and the last time I was there we became BFF bonding over said nose rings. She was all excited she changed the stud and she managed to hurt herself a couple times since the last time it I saw her.

"Well, it happens." I smile.

"I know! I just realized, it's gonna happen! Get over it."

I like her.

She tells me I'm meeting with the financial coordinator and the nurse in the lab downstairs. This is when I kick myself for forgetting the paperwork for the blood tests. I sign in, meet with the FC and she's all, "You have REALLY GOOD INSURANCE! IT COVERS 100%! WILL YOU MARRY ME?" (again with the pics at the end of the post.)

"Yeah it is good. And no, I'm hitched but thanks for asking."

She leaves and the nurse comes in. Starts pulling out paperwork for my plan. We get to the hysteroscopy and I pull out the pics of my uterus. What? You don't carry pics of your uterus around with you? Oh. OK. Anywho....I tell her, I had one in March do I really need another? She takes the pics and says she'll check. Finally someone with a brain. I mean, I don't mind doing it if it is necessary, but if not, then why? I'm kinda bummed because that means the baseline ultrasounds which is now scheduled with the hysteroscopy are only done in the morning. *Cries* Might be worth it just not to have to drive up so early in the AM lol.

She gives me my schedule, (You guessed it...more pics)my Rx for birth control pills and sends me on my merry little way. Which isn't that far because I just have to go out to my car and get the paperwork for the vampires and go right back in...which I do.

The vamp is happy because I have no fear of needles, I let him pick whatever vein he wants and he does so with minimal pain. Two vials later, I'm out the door.

So, I begin to make my way home and look up at the thermometer in my car 103. 103 freaking degrees!! Global warming is here folks. Al and M. Night are right!! The earth is fighting back!

Then I realize I have a splitting headache. I look at the clock. It's 4.30 pm. I haven't eaten since 10.00 am. Yep that'll do it. I drop off the rx at my local pharmacy and drive to Taco Hell. I know. With a funny tummy...not a good idea. But damn if I am not addicted to those damn fruit freezes. Mango strawberry...mmmmmmmmmm...droooooools...I may need another one tomorrow. DON'T JUDGE!!

I get myself my slushie and some burrito thing, and decide to pick up my pills tomorrow. I have to go to the library anyway.

Once inside, I scarf my food and take some Tylenol and wait for my headache to subside. Which, it mostly does. So I cleaned the kitchen, which hasn't been cleaned in days because I've been sick. I could rant on this for days but I'll let it be...

Then I took pics of all this stuff for you. And that was CD3.

Pics for you! Click on the pic for...BIGGER pic lol.

[gallery]

Well, that's all for now...

So what are they testing for? This!

UPDATE:   This cracked me up!!

Cycle Day 2

Well, not much happens on CD 2. Some clinics do the blood tests today. Mine does them on CD 3. Yesterday was also pretty bad on the discomfort scale. This cycle is knocking me on my ass. I have a feeling it's due to two reasons. One, that it's my first natural cycle after the D&C. I had one before this but it had to be induced with Provera. Second, the cyst. It is angry and fighting back. But, it's destiny is sealed. It will be banished.

I made the mistake of thinking I was all better and went to the grocery store, (because there is no food in the house lol) and it was too much for me. So when the nice checker man asked me if I wanted help out with my stuff, of course I said no, I can do it. I put my receipt in my purse and looked up at him. He was staring at me. "Are you sure?" because he clearly wasn't sure I could do it on my own. Geeze, what did I look like? Well that whole 4 year old thing kicked in, I can do it myself! So of course I said, ignoring my own pain, "No, I got it." I'm such an idiot.

So, I thought I'd share an online I Ching I did. I know I haven't shared much about my feelings on the whole IVF matter yet, but have no fear, I'm sure they will arise. This gave me a little more hope. (Click on the pictures for larger image.)

[gallery]

So I'll try to keep my control issues in check. lol. But, that reading seemed really positive to me. I'm reading that right, right?

Apparently, the blood work was done through my primary care physician. So I need to request it from her. Mystery solved.

Tomorrow I go up for my appointment, get my blood drawn and pick up my medications. I need to get directions to the lab and to the pharmacy. I have no idea where it is. I need to go to the pharmacy first. I'm supposed to bring my meds in with me. I honestly hope I don't have to do the injection training, since I have already done it. Not that I mind, it's just a hell of a long drive up there, about an hour no traffic. Long day tomorrow. I'm already tired. Rough cycle. I'll be glad when it calms down. I'm wondering if I should take more iron; if that would help. Oh well.

I have made a conscious decision to remove as much negativity from my life as possible. To that end, I'm trying to make peace with my faith. I have been very angry for so many reasons dating back years, probably 12 years. I'm making an attempt to start over and hope to find comfort and peace when times are rough. Hopefully, I have not severed those ties, but am hoping for benevolence.

Until tomorrow!

Cycle Day 1

Information:

Last night was a bitch. I have this good sized cyst on my right ovary that decided to fight back yesterday. I seriously thought I was gonna end up in the ER again. I managed to tough through it. I found some pain killers and that took the edge off allowing me to get some sleep. So, yay me.

Today is CD1. I called into the clinic like a good little patient to let them know. Told the nurse about my night and she said I didn't do anything bad by taking the drugs because they haven't started anything yet.

We are gonna stick to the original schedule. I will just start the birth control pills early. The even better news is, I only have to make one trip up there to get the blood tests, prescriptions and appointment. Woot!

I gave the nurse the number to the old clinic to talk to their medical records person. Apparently the virology and blood work wasn't in the stuff he sent. It was dumb for me to play he said she said, so I said, you two talk to each other.

I am also gonna bring the pictures of my hysteroscopy in hopes I don't have to do another one. Seems pointless to me. Just had one in March and it was clean. ( I can post those pictures if anyone is interested.) I am also hoping to get out of the orientation and injection training. Been there done that. Still have a tummy that looks like a pin cushion.

They also prescribed an "anti-rejection" drug which the other clinic didn't. I'm really hopeful that will help. Some women on some boards I was reading seemed to have good luck with it. Lot's of BFP's! (Big Fat Positives)

So, I thought I'd also include some helpful information, advice and tips in the blog. The first thing I thought I'd post is an article I found on line.

What One Should and Should Not Say To an Infertile Couple...

By Victoria R. Sweet, R.N.
Legal Nurse Consultant

&

Craig R. Sweet, M.D.
Reproductive Endocrinologist

(Reprinted from Florida Parenting News, February, 1994, and revised September, 1999.)

Introduction:

Infertility affects nearly one in six couples. Approximately 40% of the time, the problem is related to the female partner, another 40% is related to male difficulties and 20% of the time both partners will have medical problems. Many times, infertility is a symptom of an underlying disease process, a disease process the couples have no control over. To these couples, infertility can be a crisis of the deepest kind. Every menstrual cycle represents a failure and is a time of grief for the potential child that never came to be.

The infertile couple will often express their feelings through anger, frustration, feelings of inadequacy, depression and guilt. Relationships with family members with children can suffer, marriages are strained and well-meaning friends and family can overload the couple with advice and pressure. Family and social gatherings become a reminder of infertility. Baby showers can be a traumatic experience. Mother's and Father's Day are often very difficult.

We want to offer some tips that provide support to couples who have not yet had the blessing of a beautiful child to love. With your assistance, most couples going though the process of trying to conceive can maintain a positive attitude.

What Not To Say...

Don't ask a childless person when they are going to have a child. They may be going through the process of trying to conceive but have not yet achieved success. Asking them only reminds them of their problem. They need no extra reminders.

Don't relate stories of your fertility to them. Hearing "my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant" is very annoying. While well-meaning, the statement is insensitive.

Don't give advice such as "just relax," "you are trying too hard" or "take a cruise." All of these very common comments imply that the couple have control of their fertility. Most of the time, these couples have absolutely no control over their fertility. Implying control leads to feelings of failure and guilt when this advice doesn't work.

I mean honestly. We all know they mean well, but how will a vacation unblock tubes?


Don't offer advice such as sexual timing, position, herbal medications or other totally unproven therapies. There are literally hundreds of old-wife's-tails that, when followed, can drive an infertile patient nearly crazy. Their physician will have covered those natural aspects of their care that may maximize their chances for conception. Once again, please to not imply that they have a sense of control.

My favorite response to this is to ask people how often they masterbate. When they look all shocked and shaken, I say, "Right. It's none of my business. Just like my sex life is none of yours."


Don't express your derogatory personal opinions regarding insemination procedures, test-tube babies or adoption. Sometimes, these are their only hope for having a child. These are your opinions and uninvited advice is rarely desired nor constructive. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, simply keep it your own. If they ask for your advice, then feel free to state your opinions, but do so in a kind and considerate manner.

OK, I read this and thought, OMG, who would do this?


Don't place blame by accusing the couple of exercising too much, eating the wrong foods or drinking alcohol. These couples may already be blaming themselves. Their physician will have already covered the medical and reproductive consequences of obesity, smoking, alcohol and recreation drugs. Support them in the cessation of these activities and minimize the guilt associated with their consumption. The guilt rarely leads to cessation but often moves the individual to increased consumption.

Yeah, unless they have a medical degree...

What You Can Say and Do...

Do provide couples with plenty of emotional support by saying "It must be difficult to go through this" and "I'm here to listen if you need to talk."

This is the best advice!

Do remember that men can be just as emotional about the problem, sometimes even more so. They may feel their masculinity is at risk.

Do understand the couple's need for privacy.

Do try to understand that if they are your employees, frequent doctor's appointments may be necessary during business hours. Please try to accommodate them as much as possible. Not doing so may also be construed as a form of discrimination and place you at legal risk.

Umm...ya...

Do understand why they may not make it to a baby shower or a holiday event. These frequent events can become overwhelming for an infertile couple.

Do tell the infertile couple that there is hope.

We live on hope.

Conclusions:

Please remember that the vast majority of infertile couples have minimal control of the diseases that causes their infertility. Giving them emotional support during this trying time is a wonderful way to assist them. Giving them subtle hints that they have control plants the seeds of failure in the minds of the infertile patient.

Please be kind, thoughtful and always supportive.

Well, that's all for today. See ya!

Journey's Beginning

Well, here I am again. I.V.F. This time, I thought I would write about my experiences; keep a running journal of what I am going through, what's happening...you know. A little on line therapy. I think it might be a good place to send friends and family members who what to know what's up the the process. So here we go...

The picture is of ICSI (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) we will be doing this too.

Information:

I have an appointment June 19, 2008 @ 2.30, I think. This third cycle (third time's a charm right?) we are going through Stanford. Remarkably they are covered by my insurance. Thursday's appointment is to go over the schedule. Well tentative schedule. Things change with your body's levels of hormones and stuff. So here is what I know so far...tentatively....

• 06/20/2008 - Cycle Day 1


• 06/22 to 07/05/2008 - Start Birth Control Pills


• 07/03/08 - Baseline appointment and Hysteroscopy


• I think sometime in here I start the injectable drugs


• 07/20/2008 - I believe I get the HcG shot.


• 07/21/2008 - Egg Retrieval


• 07/24/2008 - Embryo Transfer

Then the dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW)

I also have a tentative list of drugs for this cycle. Now, please forgive my spelling.

• Ganirelix - blocks FSH


• Menepro - Stimulant (Follistim)


• HcG Injection - Induce ovulation


• Medrol - Anti rejection


• Doxycycline - antibiotic


• Valium - well...you know lol

I pick up the drugs on Thursday. To the tune of $407.00, and that is WITH insurance. Lord.

Status:

There seems to be some trouble with getting my medical records from the last clinic. Hopefully that will be sorted. I am also questioning the dr on the Hysteroscopy. I had one about 2 months ago. Not sure why I need another one. I don't want to have one just because it's "in the plan". You know? Just following orders.

Mood:

Needless to say, I am worried. Not too, not yet, but I have my concerns; what with the spotting, cysts and weight and all. But I guess we will do what we can when we can.

Well, I guess that's it. Please feel free to drop me a comment or email if you have any questions. Here is a video that might explain some stuff.