You're Gonna Do WHAT to My Ovaries?!!!

The Doctor Is In

2011-07-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

The man read my last post and came home and gave me this!

Honorary Doctorate

2011-06-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Oprah Winfrey is getting an honorary doctorate from some college. Yay for her. I like O. She's worked hard and the recognition makes me smile.

You know who should get honorary doctorates? Women going through infertility treatments. After all is said and done, they can hold their own in a conversation with any doctor about any fertility related issue and medical condition that even remotely will, may, or can happen during routine treatment. Not to mention any other complication or offshoot of some new problem connected to the condition. Including all the above, but also, details of procedures, protocol, surgeries, medications, recuperation and therapy (both mental and physical, with the knowledge of all the drugs and exercises that encompasses).

They should get the Honorary Doctorate especially if all this work and knowledge failed them. Actually they should decisively get it if all their attempts have failed. They should get this recognition at the very least to acknowledge their physical and mental struggles; reading all the documentation they could get their hands on, for instance, personal testimony, books and medical journals all while baby sittings someone else's child or trying to balance their infertility and keep their marriage together.

Isn't this what doctors go through in medical school and interning? At the end, don't they get a degree saying they learned all the required material, took all the tests, neglected the rest of their lives in order to accomplish this. one. thing? All the while paying enormous sums of money they will have to pay off for decades?

What's the difference?

Doctors get a degree that says they can now make a lot of money and now have the means to fix the lives they neglected and broke due to the sacrifices they made.

Infertile women get to live in loss, and debt with very little if anything to show for it (empty fertility drug bottles and used syringes and boxes of unused progesterone), except maybe their marriage is still intact...maybe.

If they get nothing else, they should at least get this. At the VERY least.

Grief

2010-10-08T05:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking. Maybe I’m not an atheist. I’ve been questioning the existence of God for a long time. At one point I said, if there is a God, I think we are his long forgotten garden. He’s probably moved on to something more interesting or whatever. I guess what I mean to say is, if there is a God, I am pissed as fuck at him and I reject him. I’m breaking up with him. If I were with a man who treated me this badly, everyone would tell me to leave. The trust is gone and I’m tired of looking over my shoulder wondering when the next blow is going to come. The wounds inflicted will never heal, or if they do, it won’t be right. So, it’s over. Buh-bye.

The grief I am experiencing is suffocating. The first three days after the embryologist called, I didn’t get out of bed. The times I cried far out weighed the times I didn’t. Then I finally did get out of bed, and we went out to breakfast. I cried at the table. Here is what kills me. After all that crying, that feels like a release, like you are purging poison from your body, it makes you wonder, how can I still be this toxic. Shouldn’t I have been bled of all the venom? It’s so bleak to realize that pain is still pumping shit into your system.

The man took vacation that week to “help” with the transfer and implanting. I asked him if he wanted to do anything with the rest of the vacation and he decided we should go on a road trip. For those two days, my goal was not to cry that deep, sobbing, snotty cry. I didn’t. The tears were silent and in private. Stolen moments to bleed the venom. Now it’s no longer I wonder if I will cry today, it’s how many times will I cry today. I figure I’m doing pretty well if I can keep it under three. I haven’t yet, but we all have to have a goal.

I understand the grief, the loss of so much. Hope, biological child, what has defined our identities for so long. Who will we be now? My fear was how will I know when the grief has gone too far, when it is not longer healthy and healing. I was told, if it gets worse. My response, I can’t imagine it being any worse. I think if it got worse, I would black out from the pain. I can’t say for sure I’d cease to exist, but I can’t imagine being conscious. I think I’d be a vegetable. I already find myself wandering around the house and wonder, when did I get up or stop doing what I was doing and end up here. Sometimes, I come to and find I’m standing. Just standing in the middle of a room. I don’t know how I got there, when I got there or how long I was there. Not to mention locking myself out of the house. What’s happening? Has my mind fractured from the pain? I don’t know. Am I worried about it? No. Why? Honestly, I can’t be bothered. I can’t be bothered to do much of anything. Getting out of bed is an act of heroic proportions. Do I need antidepressants? Maybe. Will I use them? No. Why? I don’t want to feel better. I don’t want to feel anything. That’s what I want.

I know logically this will pass, and that thought makes me rage inside. Emotionally, I can’t see through it. It is so raw and painful; I just can’t see how it will ever heal. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. There are some moments I am for lack of a better word manic. Feels like a rush of adrenaline and I HAVE to do something. So, I do, and then comes the crash. Curl up fetal and cry until it passes. I try to regulate those moods with some learned techniques; sometimes I’m successful, most of the time not so much. The rest of the time, I’m apathetic. Those are my three emotions, Grief, Crazed and Apathetic. My other goal is to do one “big” thing a day. If I can do that, then, well I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s positive.

I’ve pretty much stopped talking to people. I don’t answer emails, phones, or post. I can’t face it. It’s not that I have a problem with them; I have a problem with me. I’m not strong or stable enough to face it. I know this because every time I do answer the phone, I end up hanging up and crying. It’s the same with any form of communication. If I am this broken, and I fell apart while talking to someone, it would be…“uncomfortable”…for the other person. I’m pretty sure no one is ready for that kind of responsibility. You think you are but trust me, you are not. I’m doing you a kindness. If you don’t believe me, fine. I’m doing me a kindness; I can’t take that kind of pain.

I’m not alone in my grief. My dear, sweet husband is struggling too. He is a stoic man, and I think many would be surprised at how sensitive he is. I think that most people wouldn’t know he was having such a hard time. I was such a freakin’ mess, I wasn’t seeing straight and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure of how he was feeling until I flat out asked him. “How do you feel about it?” He said something like, “I don’t feel much.”

“Because it’s just oh well? Or because it’s sad?”

“Because it’s so incredibly sad.”

At that moment, I saw the raw pain in his eyes and I knew I was not alone in the depth of grief I was feeling. I was scared that my pain was far worse than his or worse than it should have been. I mean I knew he was hurting because of other signs, such as not being able to make simple decisions. Me: “What do you want on the pizza?” Him: Look of complete terror at having to make that decision. When he’s upset, he drives more aggressively and much faster. This from the man who unfailingly drives in the slow lane. That was a lot of fun on our mountainous road trip. (Not) Then he called into work sick. This is that guy at work who is forced to take vacation time or he will stop earning time. Yeah, that guy. He stayed in bed or on the couch all day. I did my best to give him some space, because that’s who we are; we need a little space to process. The next morning, I was still in bed as he got up and ready to go to work. Before he left, he came and sat next to me, took my hand and said, “I’m sad.” And laid his head on my stomach. My already shattered heart was ground into dust. “I know.” I whispered, it was all the voice I had. “I’m sad, too.” We talked about all the loss we are encountering, and the man that he is, kissed me good-bye and left to work, back straight, head almost held high. I’m sure no one else would notice. He’s my hero.

On top of all that, I struggle with his sadness. I feel absolutely responsible. If only my body worked properly, we could have a baby. I can’t imagine how disappointed he must feel. I know how bad I feel that I can’t give him something that he really wanted. The guilt of my body failing at a critical moment is adding to the grieving pain. Suffocating, inconsolable and crippling.

What ignites the anger is we think we finally figured it out. We finally got to a place where we had a decent shot at it, and then to be canceled before it had a chance. It’s such a blow I’m surprised I can breathe. Sometimes I can’t. Now, it all comes down to money and it’s killing me. Since our insurance doesn’t cover treatment, we are shit out of luck. Money offers you opportunity and freedom.

I think this will count as my “one big thing” today. This was hard to write and I’m sure will take it’s toll. Actually, it already has. I’m tired and I’m going to go try to use my learned techniques and try not to go all fetal. On the other hand, maybe not, since I can’t really be bothered.

The Birth of Atheism

2010-09-30T04:00:00.000-07:00

Monday morning at 10.20 a.m. the embryologist called to inform us the embryos didn't survive the thaw.

About 10.22 a.m. I became an atheist.

No, I don't want to talk.

We are taking off for a couple days.

Thanks for all your well wishes.

Aileen Quinn, Ke$ha, Foreigner and the Beach Boys, with special guest Marky Mark

2010-09-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I...just kidding.

Tomorrow is transfer day. First big obstacle is our little Han Solos surviving the thaw. (~fighting the urge to sing Cold as Ice~) Then the big plunge. So here is the schedule.

Today:

Clean my house so I can chill in a tidy space.

Tomorrow:

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy...sorry...let's try that again.

Today:

Clean my house so I can chill in a tidy space.

Tomorrow:

Wake.

Maybe try to get in to see the acupuncturist before my transfer.

Check in at RE's at 12.30 p.m.

Transfer at 1.00 p.m.

Go home and will the Han Duo to implant.

Tik Tok (I won't link again ;-) )

Two weeks later take a pregnancy test.

Will I pee on any sticks during that two week wait? Dunno. Depends on the time of day you catch me.

So here is where I ask for all well wishes, prayers, good vibes whatever you got! (~so wanting to break out in Good Vibrations both Beach Boys and Marky Mark style~ (I promise, I'll stop))

As always, I may post during the TWW but after the pregnancy test will be radio silence. Don't be offended, it's nothing personal...towards you anyway :-) .

Telephone - featuring the Sheriff of Nottingham

2010-09-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

*Ring, ring, ring*

Me: Hello?

Sheriff of Nottingham: Hello. Is this MWB?

Me: Yes.

SON: Hi. This is the Sheriff of Nottingham from your RE's office.

Me: Hello.

SON: I just wanted to let you know that you did WAY more ultrasounds than was allowed in our decree so you have to pay us for those.

Me: Oh. I see.

SON: Yes, by proclamation of the King, you owe us 15 cows, 50 goats, 100 chickens and your horse. Which is due tomorrow when you come in. OK?

Me: That's a lot.

SON: Well maybe you should call Robbin Hood, but I think he's busy robbing the rich to give to you folk. Guess he hasn't made his way to see you yet. Tell him I said "Hi" and I'm looking for him. Bye! *click*

Me: ~sigh~

Randomness

2010-09-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

OK. Since the last post, I've had a number of pithy yet remarkably enlightening thoughts that I wanted to blog but, alas, I have forgotten them. Trust me though, they were perfection.

The information: Started pills, stopped pills, started pills again, started Lupron, started Estrogen, waiting for ultrasound that might be delayed a day becuase I might have started my three times a day estrogen cycle a day late becuase I was a day behind on the calendar in my head.

Never watch Oprah when you are jacked up on hormone drugs. Trust me. It's a great big ol' ugly cry snotfest.

Advice for the one man who may be reading this, if your wife is hopped up on hormones, keep your shit right. Seriously, becuase if you make a mistake, baaaaaaaaaaby, she will unleash on you with all the power of all the hormonal women in history and THEN she'll cry. You'll have no recourse. Don't screw up. Trust me. It'll be easier for everyone involved.

Been a bad week for news. My uncle had a mild heart attack. He's doing fine will need some treatment, but he's ok.

My friend who I've known since the summer before third grade has to have brain surgery. Prognosis is good, but still. That sucks. I crocheted her a hat today. I'll make her a few more.

I forgot to schedule my Physical Therapy for Monday. Why the PT? I thought it would be a good idea to join a gym and the complimentary training session screwed my knee. Here I thought this would be a socially acceptable outlet for my Lupron induced rage. That'll teach me. I guess I should have continued to take it out on the other drivers.

Here are some pictures from my Acupuncture.

My cat got an owie on her nose which resulted in antibiotics and the cone of shame. We tried not to laugh becuase it really was sad, but it was also hilarious.

Well, that's all I got since I'm in a pissy, hormonal mood.

Uterus For Sale

2010-07-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

For Sale

One used, middle aged uterus. Original owner. Currently possess the inability to develop suitable lining on demand (even with outside drug help) to promote growth of impending embryo implantation. Known issues include endometriosis, spotting for no apparent reason, and great emotional trauma.

If this item is for you, please call the number below.

1-800-GET SOME FUCKING THERAPY

All Sales Final.

In case you haven't figured it out, my lining decided this cycle to pull this crap. Has this happened before? No. So What the fuck? I mean really. Know how much my lining did grow? It went from 5, to...wait for it...5. Nothing. It grew not at all. So we are scrapping this cycle. Back to the beginning we go. Oh but wait, there's more! Not only do we have to go back to the beginning, I have to get in the "Way Back Machine" and actually start out two weeks before the beginning. Yes boys and girls, instead of going back to "1", I have to go back to "-14". First, I start on the pill for two weeks to bring on my cycle, then on some day after it starts ( I can't remember which day becuase frankly I can't care enough to lean over and look at the paper resting at my feet.) I start the pill AGAIN and THAT'S the beginning. It's birth control pill, the prequel.

To top it off I come home to one of the cats puking on the carpet. Yep. That about sums up my morning.

Have a nice day!

SHE gets to have kids????

2010-07-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??!! How many things are WRONG with this picture! I lost count...

(I do have to admit to laughing at the comments though!)

http://failblog.org/2010/07/26/epic-fail-photos-parenting-fail-31-6/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+failblog+%28The+FAIL+Blog+-+Fail+Pictures+%26+Videos+at+Failblog.ORG%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

I Feel Week

2010-07-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

The good news is the spotting seems to have stopped. The bad news is, my lining is only at 5. They want it to be at least 7. Decision? Give it another week. I'll go back in on Wednesday and we'll check again. If it doesn't work, then we'll scrap it and start all over again. Tick toc. Tick toc.

...Life is but a dream.

2010-07-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream. My best friend is singing about the sadness and unfairness of life. The tune is familiar but now I can't remember what it is. I sang the first verse, something about in your twenties, how you think you have all the time in the world. Then she continued eluding to a bunch other life disappointments.

Next I'm surprised by the news that 12 people are to descend on my house for dinner. I was stressing out. I go to the fridge and begin cleaning it out to make room for the food that will need to go in there for the guests. I find cartons and cartons of old eggs. So I throw them out in the sink and watch them break one bye one and note the irony.

At the end of the dream when I wake the simple message from the song "Foolish Games" is played clearly in my head "You're breaking my heart".

It's been stuck in my head all day.

~Sigh~

UPDATE!

Evidently the broken eggs represent my fear of wasting my embryos. My unconscious mind sucks. Why couldn't it give me dreams of star studded dinner parties or Wentworth Miller proclaiming his undying love for me. No...instead it has to beat a dead horse. What a bitch.

UPDATED, UPDATE!

We have decided that cleaning out the fridge means making a nice clean space for the embryos. Yeah. That's it!

Maybe I Just Need a KICK!

2010-07-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

CON INCEPTION

And all will be well!

I am Estrogen's bitch.

2010-07-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

Short story is, Dr. K is as concerned as I am about the spotting. We are extending the drug protocol another week and adding an Estrogen patch because my lining was only 4 on CD15. Too thin and we're hoping the spotting will subside. The spotting seems to have stopped, but it tends to do that just before CD1. So, I dunno. We'll see on Wednesday. If I still suck, we'll scrap the cycle. I think at that point I'll start calling specialists and ask very demure and lady like, "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL????"

The heat has not helped my extra drug hormone fueled craziness. So if you see me out on the street, I'd advise you either run, give me pretty things or a banana slurpee. Just sayin'.

What if?

2010-07-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

I tried to embed a video, but Word Press is a fucking bitch and won't is disinclined to cooperate. Anyway, the link is below. Watch it.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say! or Other Adventures Surrounding My Stupid Fucking Uterus

2010-07-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

I like to think I'm a pretty reasonable person. Not quick to emotion, fairly clear headed. When I'm having trouble, I'm a solitary kind of creature. When I'm having difficulty personally, emotionally, I crawl off like a hurt animal to suffer in silence until I can calm. When I can't suffer in silence, I go further into the woods to howl in pain alone, again, until I calm. My mother says I've done this since I was a kid.

If we go back a couple of weeks, when I was on the birth control pills, surprisingly my continued issue with spotting seemed to clear up. I was obviously happy. Then CD1 showed up and after the requisite week, the spotting continued, and still is. Saturday, it seemed heavier than usual. Now, I know one of the Estrace side effect is "Irregular vaginal bleeding or spotting", and that day I was scheduled to start taking it three times a day, but I hadn't yet. So I was bummed.

Sunday morning I woke at 5:45 A.M., mind racing. Thinking about the FET and the past six years of dealing with this shit. It started with silent tears. Then full-fledged crying. So, I gave in to it. I'll let it run its course. Instead of running its self out, it got worse. I sobbed and sobbed, then it got really bad. I realized it wasn't stopping, and I had lost control. Someone with control issues losing control is no small thing. The Man had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs. I gathered my convulsively crying self up and went downstairs bawling the way down, trying to rein it in. As soon as I saw The Man I completely fell apart. He was up like a shot and I crumpled. He asked what was wrong, and after several strangled tries I finally choked out I was freaking out, and proceeded to do so, wailing about how I couldn't take another negative. The crying fit didn't stop after my confession, inconceivably they got worse. I was now dry heaving and hyperventilating. It was frightening, I had no command over any of it, I couldn't breathe and my body was trying to expel whatever was evidently trying to kill me and I was terrified. It just. wouldn't. stop. I vaguely remember having visions of The Man racing me to the ER and them knocking my ass out. Which, I would have really appreciated. After around an hour, I had finally gotten down to that hiccupy breathing, and was in a saner place.

Here are my questions. What is causing the spotting? Someone, somewhere KNOWS! And someone somewhere KNOWS how to make it stop! It doesn't make any fucking sense to put embryos into a uterus that is shedding lining all the fucking God Damn Time! Does it? NO! So why is no one else concerned but me? WHY!! I do not want to waste those two precious, precious lives! I will not!!

So here is how this is going down. Wednesday when I go in for my ultrasound, I'm asking all those questions, AGAIN. If I am the LEAST bit doubtful about the answers, I'm calling it off. I will pull my feet out of the stirrups, get dressed and walk out of that office and start making phone calls to specialists. All I will have lost is time and a bottle of Lupron. I will get answers about the spotting and only when I am convinced about the situation or we have solved the spotting problem, will I do the FET.

How am I now? Awful. I'm a mess and in pain physically and emotionally, but I can put on a public face. I can pretend that I'm a normal person and am not struggling. Moment by moment is how I'll get through the next few days. With any luck, no one will get hurt, including myself...well more hurt.

Check, please!

2010-07-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

Drug induced rage? Check.

Hot flashes? Check.

Body aches? Check.

Headaches? Check.

Next?

IDEK...

2010-07-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

Can someone please tell me, how the spot band-aids I use to cover my injection sites end up in the oddest places?

Seriously.

Team Estrace

2010-07-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good day. The headaches were manageable and were easily handled with Tylenol. That's awesome. I even felt well enough to hit the movies today. I have to say, it was better than I thought it would be. I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed it quite a lot. In fact, I would actually pay to see it again.

So, since I feel so much better, of course it's time to start the Estrace. I fully expect it to make me feel like shit becuase God forbid I should actually feel good while I'm on the drugs.

Maybe we could get Jasper in here to mellow me out. I like it. MAYBE he could hire himself out to women on Lupron. I'm sure husbands around the world would pay big bucks to have Jasper calm their hormonal wives. I'm so amused with the thought I can't even stand it.

Back to 1...CD1 that is.

2010-06-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

OK. We're in the final stretch. CD1 didn't happen on the 28th like the nurse guessed. (I could have told her that, but whatevs) Despite it starting two days later, the calendar doesn't need to be adjusted. At least not until the 14th when I have to have the ultrasound. Then we reevaluate from there.

Lupron + CD1 coming = MIGRAINE. It knocked me flat yesterday. Wooooooooooo. I'll tell you. I was ready to stick my head in a bucket of ice to try to numb it. It's amazing how badly your head can hurt and not explode. It amazes me. It came back today, but not as potent, thank goodness. Hopefully it will be dust tomorrow. I'd like to sneak out and go see a movie... ~hangs head in shame~

Monday, it was too hot to walk outside, so I went to the gym I had joined a while ago. Dude. I think I'mma have to dump that dump. I went in there and it was hot as a MF. I was like is the A/C dead? They had a bunch of ceiling fans running and the receptionist was busily fanning herself with a file. Now, I'm not fitness freak, but I try to walk about around three miles which is about an hour for me. I could only get through about 30 minutes. My lungs were burning it was so hot. When I left, it was cooler outside than inside that joint, and it was 85 outside!!! I didn't say anything to anyone because I'm on the Bitch Juice and that's a can-o-worms that did not need to be opened. So I'll give them another shot. But you betta believe, I'mma call their asses first. "Excuse me, I was in there the other day and it was hot as hell. Was your A/C on the fritz or is that S.O.P.?" If they answer the latter, my next statement will be, "That's ri-damn-diculous cancel my damn membership!" They gotta be out of their Got-Damn Minds! Hell.

~Taking a moment to breathe and calm the hell down~

~Taking another moment to breathe and calm the hell down~

~And taking yet another moment to breathe and calm the hell down~

Ok. Not working. I'm all riled up again. Fucking Lupron...

Until we meet again! ;-)

Sunday

2010-06-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, it was an anger free day! Since I'm not one to just let things be, I decided to replace it with anxiety. Anxiety over the FET, anxiety over the past, anxiety over the present, anxiety over "Lonesome George". It wasn't until a little while ago I figured out why poor old George was bothering me. Yeah, I know. I'm a slow study...

Luporn (Bitch Juice) Confessions

2010-06-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what it is about this stuff. Well I have my theories but since they are probably just fiction conceived in my Lupron saturated brain I won't bore you with it. But I'll tell you, it feels like there is a river of rage flowing just beneath the surface. I'm ready to fight for any reason. No, in fact, I'm willing to fight for NO reason. Probably the safest thing for me to do is not to leave the house, don't answer the phone. Have no contact with any living being (other then my RE's office because they understand) until I'm done with this stuff.

Below I'm posting thoughts that run through my seething mind today. Enjoy.

While at the grocery store today, I thought about ramming my cart into the plants instead of the corral.

Leaving the grocery store parking lot, there was a group of about eight people trying to J-Walk, I'm assuming, to the graveyard across the street. I had to fight HARD not to yell profanities at them to get out of the way so I could see oncoming traffic and wasn't T-boned by a speeding SUV.

On my way home, there was a little kid in glasses dressed as a kangaroo with a parasol. WTF?

The Man sitting on the couch watching the USA soccer game and not helping me drag in the groceries made me itch for the progesterone syringe.

Doughnuts make me happy. I bought a dozen hoping it would help. I haven't had any yet, but knowing they are there in case of emergency is mildly comforting.

*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*Nap*

Dream of fighting people on pirate ships. Note to self: Fall asleep watching Pirates of the Caribbean more often.

Resent that the day heated up and I woke up becuase I was too hot.

I then went on to eat a sandwich and later one of the magic doughnuts. I felt better. I watched some TV, took a shower and unsuccessfully tried to sooth the river of anger and hate coursing under my skin.

All in all, not a bad day, eh? (Might I suggest you agree with me...or else.)

Lupron. Bitch Juice. There you go.

2010-06-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a mini-tripod, so I thought I'd film an episode of me doin' the Bitch Juice. It's a lousy video. I'm not a filmmaker. I could edit it, I guess... but I'm also lazy and as you know on the Bitch Juice. Can you see me trying to edit video on Bitch Juice? Especially since I don't know how to use the editing software? I'm not interested in destroying my MacBook thankyouverymuch. This post was an exercise in how many times I could use the phrase Bitch Juice in one posting. Why?

It's my blog,

I'm on Bitch Juice,

and it makes me happy, GODDAMNIT!

*Grin*

Anyway...on with the show!

Hope you all aren't psychologically damaged by any of the contents of that video. I know it's disturbing on many levels. Although, not nearly as disturbing as The Man coming in and asking, "Are you watching this?"

Me: "I guess not anymore."

The Man: Changes the channel to a bunch of men playing banjos, mandolins and fiddles to a crowd of people with mullets.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have to go so I can leave the room before I find a leftover progesterone syringe and stab him in the eye with it.

The Same, but Different

2010-06-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Previously on You're gonna do WHAT to my ovaries...

As you remember or don't, I was going in for another endometriosis surgery. The plan went off with out a hitch...mostly. What I wouldn't admit to anyone, was I was sick. Hell I wouldn't admit it to my self. "Oh no, just bad allergies. No biggie." Pfffffffft. I was sick.

My in-laws drove me to my brother's place becuase he was going to take me to my surgery and my husband and in-laws were going to all meet up at the hospital. My brother kept side-eying me. He finally says, "I bet they send you home."

I'm betting this too. I mean really, why would you operate on someone who can hardly breathe and is coughing like a maniac. On the other hand, maybe I can fool the medical staff. I mean who wants to do a bowel prep for NOTHING!

We get there do the usual waiting. Finally go in and start the prep. My head is killing me, yo. So I tell the nurse, "Can you slip some Tylenol in that I.V. for this headache?"

"No. It's too caustic. You will never find it in that form."

Me: *Blink Blink* "Oh." Doesn't matter. I got some fluids in me and my head stopped hurting. Go figure. Then the real test comes. They check my temp, it's normal. No surprise there, I rarely ever have a temperature. Then they check my lungs. I tell her about my "allergies" kicking my ass and that I've been using my inhaler pretty regularly.

"Breathe deep." the nurse says putting the stethoscope on my back.

I do, sort of. Not too deep, becuase, if I take too big a breath, the spasmodic coughing will commence. She asks for a deeper breath, and I do. So far so good. I look up at her expectantly.

"Seems fine to me." she says.

I think to my self, REALLY????? "Ok. Cool." Then there is more with the hurry up and wait.

Finally Dr. N shows up with his team. He goes through what he intends to do asks if I have any questions and I shake my head no. Then he leans in close and says, "Where did you get those delicious lemons?"

I crack up. "From my yard. I have a tree."

He then went on about how good they were. Yay me! /

You know what's odd, I never remember the operating room. I remember them wheeling me off, but I don't remember actually being in the room. What the hell kind of drugs are they giving you? I mean can you pin point it to certain memories? I have A LOT I'd like to forget...

Anywho...I wake up in recovery. All is well. Pain for the most part is manageable. I got the same nurses the last two times I was in for the same surgery, they remembered me.

The day I was supposed to go home, I was in a lot of pain. The morphine wasn't cutting it. I know, right? WTF? Dr. L came in and I told him. He called Dr. N and after deciding to wait it out for a bit, Dr. N called me that night and said if I am still in that much pain, he was worried and would have to go back in. This is where I freak out. Why? I have no idea. Then Dr. L said, "Are you taking the meds I prescribed you? "

"No. They don't let you bring them in the hospital."

He shakes his head and walks out. He comes back in a few minutes later. "Ok I've handled it. Let's see how this goes. "

Moments later, a nurse comes in with meds for me. Norco. It's like twice the hydrocodone and a fraction of the Tylenol. I'll try anything at this point, not to have to be cut open twice in two days.

Baaaaayyyyyybeeeeeeeeeee, lemme tell YOU! That shit is the bomb!! Pain? What pain!! I laugh at the mere mention of pain!! In fact I laugh at the mere mention of anything, and am in love with the whole wide world! Lets' here it for Dr. L! This is when I can finally get some rest.

Next thing I know, the nurses come in with a birthday cake for me!

How nice was that? Yeah, sure, I wasn't allowed to eat yet, but it's the thought that counts.

Later they came and told me they had to move me to a shared room. They were not happy about it. I mean sure all alone is great but it made no never-mind to me since I was on the Norco. I loved everyone.

I ended up having to stay an extra night but that was ok. Healing went well. The doctors were very pleased at my quick recovery rate. All's well that ends well and I was given the go ahead for the next step.

Currently on You're gonna do WHAT to my ovaries...

We have started the down the path for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). Here is how it is panning out.

June 9th, I started taking the pill again. I went in on the 14th for my baseline ultrasound. All was well there.

One June 21st, I started the Lupron. a.k.a. as Bitch Juice. My first day to start this, I was out of town. No biggie, I called the airline asked about procedure for carrying injectable perscription drugs, all was cool. Until the actual day to take them. I was out of town town for a family wedding. Thankfully I remembered to bring the drugs with me, but remembered almost too late to take the damn stuff. I take off like a shot and go to prep to take it. Picture it. Me in the brides room bathroom, prepping my tummy and bottle and needle and then think, how much am I supposed to take? Shit. I don't remember. I pace back and forth for a minute, then take the dive. 10. I say 10. I fill the syringe to 10 and stab myself in the stomach and hope for the best.

The next day we are driving back home (don't even get me started on the foolishness of that) and I take my second dose in the bathroom of a Black Bear Diner. Another 10, becuase, why not.

I mean to tell you, as soon as we got home, I did not pass go, I did not go potty, I ran straight up to my paperwork to check. What do you think I saw? Yep. 10! Whew! I was so relived. I didn't want to have to call my RE and explain why I'm such a moron.

June 25th is my last day of the pill. Then I'm supposed to call with CD1. Depending on that, I start Estrace. 2mg once a day with the Bitch Juice for five days

Then it's 2mg twice a day with Bitch Juice for four days.

Then it's 2mg three times a day plus Bitch Juice for five days.

Then we do an ultrasound lining check which should also be my last day of the Bitch Juice and Estrace three times a day. I should be quite the gentle, soft spoken lamb by then.

THEN, I get to go back to Estrace once a day plus progesterone. OK. Let me fill you in on this. The injectable progesterone is way cheaper. I got the capsule insert which was about three times more expensive. You know what? Worth every penny. If I had to take those shots in the ass every day, baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...I'd be a widow. I know I'd turn around and stab The Man in the eye with that damn needle.

Anyway, around July 19th we should be doing the transfer. Here are my big fears that I try not to think about becuase it would be paralyzing.

1. The embryos don't survive the thaw. Think of it this way. Ice crystals tend to tear things up. You know when you thaw frozen fruit it gets all mushy? Yeah. Like that. I think I read or was told somewhere it was a 50-50 chance of survival.

2. Same old fears. They embies don't take.

I have a better camera now, maybe I'll make a video of the Lupron shot for you. Maybe...we'll see. That is where we are. You are all caught up and I will keep you posted! Thanks for tuning in!

Next time on You're gonna do WHAT to my ovaries...

I have no idea. Whatever pops into my foolish head. Unless you have something you'd like to discuss!

We have a winner!

2010-02-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

Ok. Here is the schedule:

Saturday, February 6th: Birthday Party

Sunday, February 7th: Bowel Cleanse (Oddly appropriate after what I hope is, a night of debauchery)

Monday, February 8th: Surgery (Come visit me! Should I bring the tiara and birthday sash?)

Tuesday, February 9th: Birthday @ home!

So everyone wins, right?

UPDATE

The Dr. gave me an Rx for all the drugs I'll need. Usual suspects, nothing shocking. Except, for pain he prescribed Darvocet rather than Vicodin. Normally I'd be like Whatevs. He asked if I'd had it before I said no. Which was a mistake, I have had it before. A Doctor gave it to me when I had to have a D&C becuase my lining was at like 11.5 and should have been at like 4. We thought this was what was causing the spotting, WRONG. But anyway, the Darvocet did almost nothing for me, and that was just some poking around and scraping, nothing as invasive as surgery. So, I don't want to call Dr. N's office and be all whiny bitch but, I also don't want to get home, take the meds and have no relief. What do I do? Just call and say, sorry I mad a mistake, I have had it before and it didn't work? I have to say, after all the poking, prodding, scraping and cutting I've been through, I don't have the pain tolerance I once did. ~sigh~ Suggestions???

Day-o, Da-a-ay-o

2010-01-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

Had a lovely visit with Dr. N today. His staff is WONDERFUL. He is WONDERFUL. I can't say enough nice things about them.

So what day-o is the surgery on? Dunno. Could be the 3rd, yep as in Wednesday. Could be the 10th. Could be any date in between. I'll know more on Monday when I go for pre-op.

They are all for not having me have surgery on my birthday. I said I was OK with it. I'd come with tiaras, noise makers and sashes. (The nurses loved this idea. I like it my own self.) Thing is, if they do it on the 10th I get to do the bowel prep (more on bowel prep) on my birthday. Baaaybeeeeeee, lemme tell you what! I would rather have them cut. me. open. on my birfday than do a bowl prep that day! That's not even true. I'd rather do ANYTHING ELSE than a bowl prep, evar!

Dr. N was like, "No, no no! Not on your birthday! We'll do it the 3rd. You should have a good birthday."

Nurse: Well I don't know if that time is available I need to call. (she leaves to call)

Me: Thanks Dr. N. (Waits for him to walk away. A few minutes later nurse returns)

Nurse: I can't get a hold of them. There are only two people there so they are really busy, but I'll keep calling and let you know. Come in on Monday for your pre-op.

Me: (looking around to make sure Dr. N is gone because I don't want to hurt his feelings) You know, my husband is planning a party for me on the 6th. I mean I guess we can reschedule it or I can sit on the couch and play queen and have them surround me and bring me ish.

Nurse: That's fun!

So I leave, go to Pinkberry's and sit in the parking lot eating my original swirly goodness with granola, mango and kiwi, thinking about my options. I started on my way when I remembered mom-in-law and hubs are coming for the party on the 6th. Frak!

I call the nurse back.

Me: Hai! It's me again. I think the 10th would be better for me. I just rememberd the inlaws are flying in for the par-tay.

Nurse: Oh OK.

Me: But you know how you said he does surgeries at different facilities? Can you check dates there, too? Maybe we can find a better alternative.

Nurse: Yeah, sure! I'll take a look and get back to you.

Me: Great! Sorry to be a troublesome patient.

Nurse: OH! You are so not!

Me: Thank you! Can I bring you some lemons? I have a tree...

Anyway, so I go in Monday for the pre-op and then we'll know what date. I'll wait until Monday to stop taking my meds. I mean, when you're allergic to cats and have 4 of them, not to mention the dust and mold allergies...You REALLY don't want to stop taking them.

Honestly, I'm not that opposed to the surgery being on the 3rd. Soon is good, just in case it's not the endo that is causing the spotting to return. We need to figure out what it is. It shouldn't be as extensive as it was last time to recovery should be easier. Although, I have an apt with the fertility clinic for an exam on the 2nd @ 2:00 p.m. and I don't know how that would work with the bowl prep. (Did you get that? 2/2 @2? HA!) That may need to be rescheduled.

I could vacillate on the dates all night long so, I'm gonna end it here. Any thoughts?

Let's play Doctor!

2010-01-28T16:54:00.000-08:00

Phone conversation with my dr's office:

Me: Hi. I would like to schedule surgery with Dr. N to take a look to see if the endometriosis is back.

Nurse: OK. Let me pull your chart. When would you like to do it?

Me: As soon as possible. But preferably not on my birthday. (I joke, laughing)

Nurse: OK. Let's see...oh...um. Oh.

Me: What.

Nurse: The earliest date we have available is February 9th. Your birthday.

Me: (I laugh because what else can you do) Figures.

I will go in and discuss it with them on Friday...but if it does go down like that, consider yourself warned!

I WANT LOTS AND LOTS OF SYMPATHY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS!!

If I do have to do it on my birthday, I'm trying to look at the bright side of things. So, lets play a game. The...

Things you can do or get if you have surgery on your birthday:

1. You get morphine!

2. You get the sympathy birthday gift.

3. Party in your recovery room.

4. Wear a tiara and bring party favors.

5. I can haz McSteamy? Can you say sponge bath?

....Now, it's your turn! Whatcha got?

Please Doctor, Sir, I'd like some more-phine

2010-01-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It's the one where Meredith has appendicitis. She is high as a freaking kite on morphine, headed into surgery where they were gonna cut her open and remove a piece of her insides. I mean think about it, really, take a moment. Remove. Body. Parts. It's serious business, the risk for infection, something going wrong, bad surgeons, reaction to drugs. Surgery is no joke.

And all I could think was, "Man! She is soooooooo lucky! She's on morphine and feels NOTHING! Surgery is so worth it. I wish I were her."

Oh Happy Day!

2010-01-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

They just opened my favorite treat near Dr. N's office!!!

Yay me!!

\o/

All's Well That Begins Well

2010-01-22T16:33:00.000-08:00

The consult appointment went well. We went over all the usual stuff, questions, concerns, paths etc. My doctor, we'll call him Dr. K, was on board with me going to my endomitriosis doctor, hereafter dubbed, Dr. N, for a look-see. I mean if it's all happy in there, then bully for me. If not, then he can do his magic and fix it. I'll be down for about six weeks and we can get going on the transfer. When we get closer to those proceedings, I'll give a more detailed explanations. I will tell you this though, it looks like if we do a controlled cycle (with medications) rather than a natural one (with out meds) I'll have to go back on the bitch juice. Woot! Look out world!! Haahahahahahahahaha!

Here we go again...

2010-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

So after a line up of surgeries and recovery not to mention all the other stuff going on in our lives, we have decided to go ahead with the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Yep. We're gonna thaw out those pops, (hopefully they will survive the thaw) drop them off and hopefully they will stick around. I guess I can't really blame the others for not hanging out, it must have been uncomfortable with all that endo taking up space. We only have two embryos and honestly, they wern't that high a grade, so I'm very worried about their surviving the thaw.

The initial consultation is tomorrow. I worked on getting all my medical records sent over there before the consult so he has the information. Since it's been a year since the last endo surgery, I'm thinking they are gonna need to take a look-see inside to see if the endo is back. I'm hoping no, but I'm not sure and at this point I am not willing to make coin toss guess. I think it is, but what do I know...

Then I guess we decide if it's gonna be a "natural" cycle or a drugged one. We'll see I guess.

So, my fear and freak out level is pretty high. Paranoid. Cautious. All those things are playing up. Anxious is another good one. I find myself tapping my fingers or foot a lot. I haven't woken up gripping my blankets like was was before, but I have notice some fist clenching during TV consumption.

To combat some of this I think I've started walking again, trying to work off some of this excess spaziness. I downloaded a bunch of audio books so that will be nice.

Hopefully my issues with CIGNA won't get in my way of this round, but I guess we'll see. Washington should invite a bunch of fertility challenged people up to speak about health care and insurance companies. I'm sure we'd have a lot to say!

Surgery Part Deux

2009-01-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

So, time for the second round of surgeries. I was just reading over previous posts and glad to see, I am consistent in my fear. Good Lord. Yeah I went through the SAME. EXACT. EMOTIONS. last week. I forgot I felt this way last time. Memory is a funny thing.

So, they are gonna remove the other tube, cysts, appendix, the endo and maybe do a bowel resection. They won't know until they dig in. I'll probably be in for 2 nights. I only stayed one night last time and in retrospect should have stayed an additional night. I'm not a good invalid at home. I can't sit still. It's also why I can't do my own nails. Can't sit still. I also can't have on nail polish for the surgery. Bummer, dude. But I digress...

If the do the resection, that will probably keep me in for another couple days. I have a list of stuff I'm bringing with me, since I know I will be staying this time. Last time my hospital roommate took up for me and got me stuff like a tooth brush and stuff. I hope I'm that lucky again she is an amazing woman. Anywho...I was wondering if there was internet connection, so I go searching the website to find this...

"What to Leave at Home

Please leave at home your valuables such as jewelry, large sums of cash, cell phones, laptop computers, pagers or video equipment. Electronic appliances (excepting shavers and hair dryers) are not permitted in patient rooms for safety reasons."

*Blink. Blink. Blink.*

YOU. MUST. BE. SHITTING. ME. The HELL I'm not bringing my laptop and cell phone!!! I have movies all picked out to watch!! Humph! We'll just see about THAT!! Have I mentioned I'm not a good invalid? I don't sit around well. *sigh*

Anyway, so I have to do the "Cleanse" again... *shudder* I'm gonna stay home this time. Even though my check in time is 5 freaking 30 in the morning. Surgery at 7:30 which means while Obama is swearing in, I'll be out. Super bummer. I'm Tivoing it, but still, it's not the same.

So, if y'all are so inclined, holla at a sista. You can reach me HOPEFULLY on my cell or try The Man's. He'll be with me mostly or tell you my room number or whatever. Don't worry, if I don't feel like talking, I won't answer the phone so, don't think you're disturbing me! LOL. Or better yet!! Come by and bring REAL broth!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

When it's over...

2008-11-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

Update:

Sorry for the confusion. We may try more IVF in the future, it's just with losing the insurance it will be a lot tougher. I wrote the other post just after finding out the news we lost the insurance so I was not very clear. I apologize for the misinformation. With the insurance we had unlimited tries, now there is very much a limit and I am very much aware of it. My heart is broken over it. So, when we decide to try again (after someone sends me the winning lotto numbers :-) ) we'll let you know.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

No Cal-Cobra for me which means no more IVF.

I'll mourn my loss and move on. Thanks for reading and commenting, it meant a lot. I'll be making the blog private so if I have news and post, I'll send out an email. If you can get in, email me and I'll include you.

Again, thanks for everything.

And the verdict?

2008-10-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

ENDOMETRIOSIS.

No, I take that back. SEVERE ENDOMETRIOSIS.

The Cliff's Notes version is, the doctor got in there and it was like an endometriosis bomb went off. They were all very surprised. It's bad when your dr is surprised. So one of my tubes he couldn't work on, he took the other one out. My bowels were, "all over the place". I have no idea what that means. I have to go back in at the end of January to have my appendix removed because of all the endo and the other tube removed. God knows what else. I'll ask at my post op appointment.

I got out of surgery and the nurse says, "We're gonna take you to you room now."

"Room?"

"Yes you'll be our guest for the night."

"I'm supposed to go home."

Nurse says to someone, "Can you go get her hubs?"

Hubs shows and looks a mess. Geeze what the fuck happened?

Finally I get some explanation. (see above) So, I was treated to a night of excellent care at Stanford Hospital. I highly recommend it...if you have to stay.

So, I'm down for a bit longer than I expected...this is gonna make school nearly impossible... :-(

Oh, guess what some of the symptoms are?

"Other common symptoms are abnormal uterine bleeding, spotting prior to periods, and infertility."

Hm.

Let's see, the insurance runs out at the end of January so IVF will have to be out of pocket...you remember how much out of pocket is, right?

In other news: They are selling the townhouse we are living in so we may have to move. *sigh*

Anyone else wanna take a pot shot?

To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.

2008-10-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

The fun begins tomorrow...

12.30 pm start liquid diet

3.00 pm first clense

7.00 pm second clense

Tuesday

12.30 am nothing more by mouth

7.30 am check in

9.30 am surgery.

Want to know what happens starting yesterday? How about a brush with my own mortality. Yes I know it's not rational, but since when is fear rational. Yes I'm afraid. IT'S FREAKING SURGERY!! I don't care how routine surgery is, there is alway an chance of complications. It happened to a friend of mine. She went in, didn't come out. Now, her case was nothing like mine, but again, fear is not rational.

I weighed my family, my friends, my compodres online. Who would tell them if something happened to me. The man said he would...if he could figure it out. LOL. Did I have things I wanted people to have? Were there things I didn't want people to know? Who would the kitties sleep with? Fear is not rational.

We went to see The Secret Life of Bees Saturday night. GREAT FREAKING MOVIE! There was one scene where they explain the image on the honey jars. I. Lost. It. It was all about strength in the face of fear. I thought I was going to have to run sobbing from the theatre because I was doing that loud, doubled over, someone killed my puppy sobbing, well, trying NOT to and failing. I finally got a grip, but I was fragile the rest of the movie and night. The images would float through my mind and I would well up again. The man wanted to discuss the movie and all I could do was turn in on my self, hide behind my hair and nod. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I went to bed, 3 hours later, I was still up, paralyzed by fear. No sleep, no peace. I had to put on a movie to distract myself enough to fall asleep. Fear is not rational, and no respector of persons or hour.

I don't know what else to say about this. I'm afraid. Logically I know it's ok. Emotionally I'm a mess. How does one assuge those fears? How do you tell yourself, it will all be ok? I just don't know. And this isn't even touching on the infertility fears. I'll be irrational about those when I'm through these.

I guess that's all I have to say. Maybe I'll blog tomorrow and bitch about being hungry. :-)

Night.

Veer Sharma
FEAR:
F--FALSE
E--EVIDENCE
A--APPEARING
R--REAL

Oscar Wilde
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Eddie Rickenbacher
Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.

Channing Pollock
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.

MMMBop Pre-op

2008-10-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

MMMBop...bidi dapa doo wop
Doo bi dapa pre-op
Bidi dapa doo, yeah, yeah
MMMBop...bidi dapa doo wop
Doo bi dapa pre-op
Bidi dapa doo, yeah, yeah

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2353677658182041713&ei=f0T1SOWZKoSKqQPfpc0B&hl=en]

Bahahahahahahaahahahahaha!!!

The actual lyrics are oddly appropriate.. But,

Bahhahahahahahahhaaahaha!!

No? Too bad it cracked me up!

Anywho party pooper...

Pre-op is Friday. I'll write more that night. I have a test I am determined NOT to fail on Thursday, so I will be studying for that until then.

Oh, and this is HYSTERICAL!!! CLICK ME.

What do you get...

2008-10-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

...when you fail a pregnancy test?

Surgery.

October 21, 2008

A Letter to God...

2008-10-03T03:52:00.000-07:00

BFN

(For those of you not paying attention, that's Big Fat Negative)

**************************************************************************************************************

Dear God,

Click on the link below to hear the song.

Audioslave - Show Me How to Live

In with the early dawn
Moving right along
I couldn’t buy an eye full of sleep
And in the aching night
Under sattelittes
I was not recieved
built with the stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

In the afterbirth
On the quiet earth
Let the stains remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me a life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live

And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin
Ready to begin

Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life now
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live
Show me how to live

DAMN RIGHT I'M FUCKING PISSED!!

9DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

...Also known as Day Before Blood Test Day.

Same drill as last time.

We'll let you know...

http://mommiewannabe.wordpress.com/2008/08/02/7dp3dt7dp3dt/

http://mommiewannabe.wordpress.com/2008/08/03/8dp3dt8dp3dt/

In other news, my conversation with the clinic today:

Me: Hi, my friends kids gave me a sore throat and cold. Is there anything I can take to help with the congestion?

Nurse: *Cackles hysterically for 35 minutes*

Me: *Blink Blink*

Nurse: Nah, man! It just sucks to be you! *More cackling as she hangs up on me*

Me: *Blink Blink, hangs up phone*

Me: *Calls Acupuncturist* I can't make the appointment. I'm sick as a dog.

Her: You're congested!!

Me: Yeah

Her: Come in!! I can help with that!!

Me: I'll be right there.

One hour later...

Me: Takes deep breath BECAUSE. I. CAN!

Me: *Hears Hallelujah Chorus*

Her: Better?

Me: *Thinks about proposing* Yes thank you!

Her: Good luck tomorrow. I'll put you here on the books with a heart and sending you light!

Me: Thank you!

8DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

So, after a lovely bought of food poisoning, which included chills like I have never experienced before. ( I couldn't get the thermometer in my mouth I was shaking so bad) I have had a splitting headache since last night and when I sat down for dinner tonight, discovered my throat hurts. *sigh*

Anyone else wanna kick me when I'm down?

7DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

What has extreme stomach pain, followed by alternating rounds of barfing and...other stuff, rounded out by extreme chills and concludes with hot flashes?

That would be me. Thank you, food poisoning. Like I didn't have enough to worry about. Does God hate me, or what?

6DP2DT-IVF#4 - Pt. 2

2008-09-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I called my RE this am and left a message. I said the spotting we had discussed has started again. Any suggestions?

I got a voice mail because I was out, and the nurse said he said, we could try the PIO ( Progesterone in Oil) shots. (Those would be the ginormous intramuscular needles in the ass every night). The thing about it is, it probably won't help. I think it's just something else "to do". I won't really be getting any more progesterone than I already am. So, I'm mulling it over.

You have any thoughts one way or another?

Here is a video of this poor girl having to give it to herself. I couldn't do it. I swear!

Anyway, can't say as if I'm moved to do that. I have until tomorrow to decide...I'll sleep on it.

6DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's post was written out of pain and panic. This far (though I have only been up 30 minutes) there is a lot less panic and pain, but there is a lot of resignation.

The reason for the freak out was I started spotting again. So, what can I say, I feel the jig is up. While I am not freaking out, I am resigned to the fact of another failed cycle and am beginning to look towards surgery.

5DP2DT-IVF#4 - Pt. 2

2008-09-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

So I had a complete and total melt down. I did what I do. Go take a shower and cry like death is upon me. Complete vulnerability. Naked, wet, in the shower, crying uncontrollably, your heart and emotions, naked and wet. Muttering to my husband, who has come in to find me in this disturbing state and asks,"Why are you crying what's wrong?"

Me: "I'm tired. I can't take it. It's too hard. I can't do this."

He knows me. He let me be after a few minutes. Probably to start smoking again.

I went to acupuncture and it calmed me down.

A good friend gaveme some advice about doing some natural things. I'm doing them.

My head hurts. My eyes are red and puffy. I have two sick cats (not the kittens) that are concerning me. I feel like a failure. And my homework answers for this week suck.

I give up.

5DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-20T03:03:00.000-07:00

Jinx.

5DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-19T13:06:00.000-07:00

pan·ic: [pan-ik] noun

1. a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces hysterical or irrational behavior, and that often spreads quickly through a group of persons or animals.

panic attack –noun Psychiatry. an intense attack of anxiety characterized by feelings of impending doom and trembling, sweating, pounding heart, and other physical symptoms.

Yep. That sounds about right. That's what I had this morning. I was in the shower and realized I would have to go have my blood test alone. The man is on a flight at the butt-crack of dawn that day. So I will have to go do it by my self and get the news by my self.

Best case scenario: BIG FAT POSITIVE! I call the man we celebrate over the phone!

Worst case scenario: Big Fat Mocking Stuff It In Your Face Negative. I call and tell him and it sucks. I'm depressed and set up an appointment with the RE to get the names of surgeons to go in and clean my shit up.

So, I panicked. I have drugs for panic attacks, I've had them before, but ironically enough I can't take them because I COULD be pregnant! I mean is this the BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?!?!?!?!!!! One of the FEW times in your life when alcohol or anti-anxiety medication would be really handy...and you CAN'T HAVE IT!!! Some one has a really, really, really sick sense of humor.

I guess I'll go get stuck with more needles tomorrow. I have to admit, I am calmer this cycle. I mean, except for today. I am hesitant to say what else isn't happening becuase I don't want to jinx anything. *sigh*

THIS SUCKS!!

( I am pretty optimistic though...honest.)

3DP2DT-IVF#4

2008-09-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am so freaking tired. I feel I could sleep for days. Must be the anxiety of it all catching up with me because I haven't really done anything to warrant this kind of fatigue.

I think I"m gonna go to bed. See ya later.

2DP2DT (Days Past 2 Day Tranfer)-IVF#4

2008-09-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

So, the transfer went great. The embies were better quality than last time. We got a 3, 4 and 5 cell, which was about what we had on day 3 last time. So that's good. Had acupuncture the day before the transfer and the day after and will have one on Saturday and the day before the blood test. I have a mantra to say. I also have a cd to listen to, which I haven't yet. LOL

I'm a little afraid to say I'm cautiously optimistic. Feel pretty good this time. I hope it works. Here are the pics. The first is of the embies. The second is where he put them in my uterus...weclome. (lol) It's the circled section, not the three white spots, those are the air bubbles that pushed the embies out of the catheter. But, that's them! I think if you click on the pick, it will put it in another window, then click on it again to blow it up.

[gallery]

CD15/SD15/LD17/Day After Retreival-IVF#4

2008-09-13T04:09:00.000-07:00

RE called.

7 eggs.

3 immature.

4 ICSI'ed

3 Fertilized.

On one hand disappointing. On the other, still more than I thought. I just wanted more for a better chance. So my mood is pretty grim. Except for when 6 comes to love on me and lick my nose and chin. That makes my heart pretty happy.

We're going ahead with the 2 day transfer.

UPDATE:

Had Acupuncture today. Gonna have it Monday too. Tomorrow...transfer day...

CD14/SD14/LD16/ Retrieval Day-IVF#4

2008-09-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

Went very well. Less pain than last time.

Less blood than last time.

More eggs than last time! 7!!

Lucky 7!

Guess it's not moo any more!

Bok bok.

Ok going back to bed. See ya later.

CD14/SD14/LD16-IVF#4

2008-09-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, 'tis the night before. We are at B.I.L.'s house again since it's such an early call. not much to tell, since nothing is really going on. I plan on bringing my laptop with me to the procedure tomorrow, hoping to do a blow by blow as long as they let me have my computer.

Other than that, I was thinking that there should be some kind of bumper sticker. "Back off! I'M ON LUPRON!" Something along those lines.

OK. I'm off. See y'all later!!

Moo!

CD13/SD13/LD15-IVF#4

2008-09-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I trigger tonight. Last shot for a while. Yay!!

So one of my dilemmas I have over the 2 day transfer is the embie is really not supposed to arrive at the uterus until 5 days after fertilization. The egg gets fertilized in the fallopian tube and takes 5 days to travel down set up camp in the uterus. So putting them in there at 2 days is a lot like moving into a house before it's ready. You can do it but it won't be comfortable and if you have any kind of problems it could be disastrous. I don't know. It's all they used to do...I just don't know. More thinking....

My head hurts. I'm gonna go lie down and watch TV. See ya!

CD12/SD12/LD14-IVF#4

2008-09-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ok. So the schedule is...

Wednesday 10.30 pm we trigger.

Friday 9.30 am is the retrieval.

Now, the interesting part is one of the doctors there called and asked if I was interested in being apart of a study. They want to do a 2 day transfer rather than a 3 day transfer. It seems there is no significant difference in the numbers. My dr says he has no preference either way. That this idea is nothing new, they used to only do 2 day transfers from like 1979-1992 or something. But the medium they developed the embryos in has gotten better so they switched to 3 day. Here is something I found online:

"It is concluded that the outcomes of embryo transfer in terms of implantation and pregnancy rates are comparable for day 2 and day 3 embryos, although the overall embryo quality score decreases when embryos are kept in culture till day 3." - http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/16/3/476

They gave me some stuff to read too but I'm not about to scan it and throw it up here lol. One study is from UCSF, and one from Turkey.

We haven't decided what to do. The numbers look like the womb does a better job of taking care of an embryo, but implantation rates are about the same. So...I dunno. You have any thoughts? Heard anything?

Oh yeah, and my lining is thin...they have me on Estradiol...so hopefully that works.

You know what, I haven't been spotting all that much, wonder if that's why, my lining is thin...interesting.

CD10/SD10/LD12-IVF#4

2008-09-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything to write about today. Tomorrow is another ultrasound and I suppose we'll determine when to trigger. Then you know the drill. I expect that the retrieval will go about the same as last time. Hopefully I won't be leaking body fluids like last time and I won't be in as much pain as last time. They'll drain the endos like last time so that probably makes the two previous wishes a moot point. (Or as Joey says, "A moo point. It's like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter, it's moo.")

That cracks me up every time lololol!

Anyway, hopefully it will work unlike last time. I would just feel a lot better if they had the spotting under control. It's just fucked up, ya know?

Well after some consideration and my poor response I don't think the flare protocol is right for me. Of course I'm not sure what is at this point.

Well, I think that's all I got for now. See ya later.

Moo.

CD9/SD9/LD11-IVF#4

2008-09-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

I went looking for legislation on infertility being treated like any other disease by insurance companies. I found this website. Obviously that is important to me especially as my insurance coverage rapidly comes to and end, and with it my hopes of having a biological child. Will you take a moment and check out the information below? Thanks.

I found some information on this website: Resolve

**********************************************************************************************************

Contact your senator about Supporting Coverage of Infertility Treatment:

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=132

**********************************************************************************************************

Contact your representative about Supporting HR2892--Infertility Treatment Coverage Legislation:

https://secure2.convio.net/res/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=159

**********************************************************************************************************

Here is a link to the Bill:

http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bill.xpd?bill=h110-2892&tab=summary

**********************************************************************************************************

Some reading for friends and family about infertility:

fact_sheet_6_family_and_friends

The ADA recognizes infertility, why don't the insurance companies? They claim having children is a lifestyle choice? Well it is not my lifestyle choice to be childless...Anyway, I'll get off my soap box for now...but only because I'm tired.

Thanks! I appreciate you taking the time to check this out.

CD8/SD8/LD10-IVF#4

2008-09-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

One.

It's the loneliest number. Is a singular sensation. It's the beginning. It's the last. All it takes is one.

On Tuesday, I went in for the Day 5 ultrasound. Disappointing. Only like 2 follies, unless you wanna count the endos. Lining was thin. Well it's early, Dr. not worried. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I ask about the spotting. Why no one is worried but me. What it comes down to is, it may or may not be the hydrosalpinx. He is concerned about it, but, "We'll see." What that translates to in my mind? We don't know. If they have to remove it, he thinks it will take a specialist because there is probably a lot of scar tissue. Boy, when I over achieve I really over achieve. Why couldn't have been in something good...like school, or athletics or almost anything else? So I figure as long as they are in there, would removing the endometreomas help? Two for the price of one.

I went back today. On my 90+ minute ride, instead of listening to my audio book, my mood required music. Angry music. Thank you Lupron. So I have created a "Lupron Listening List"!

Lupron Listening List

Metalica - Enter Sandman

Pink - U and U'r Hand

Audioslave - Show Me How to Live

Audioslave - Cochise

Audioslave- Like a Stone

Alice in Chains - Man in the Box

30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill

Maroon 5 - Wake Up Call

Joss Stone - Put Your Hands on Me

Salmon - Falling, Giving, Being

Fall Out Boy - This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race

Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down

Fall Out Boy - Thanks for the Memories

Pussy Cat Dolls - Buttons

Nine Inch Nails - Closer

Robin Thicke - When I Get You Alone

Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl

Jennifer Paige - Crush

No Doubt - Just a Girl

Evanescence - Bring Me to Life

P.O.D. - Boom

ABC - Poison Arrow

Miranda Lambert - Gunpowder and Lead

OK, some of these aren't angry, I put them in there just because I like them and they are fun to sing in the car...LOUDLY! There are probably more to add but that is all I could get through on the ol' iPod today. What are some of your Lupron Songs?

I had another ultrasound today. Same thing. Lining is looking much better than last time. That's something I guess. Only really two follies but there may be more, we'll see on Monday when I go back for yet another violation. We may end up triggering on Wednesday. I was so very disappointed after that appointment. My heart ached.

Earlier in the week I was feeling defeated. I was like, this is never gonna happen. Why am I even bothering. Then we went to a public event and this little boy ran past us. He was so cute! He looked like what I picture our kids would look like. I watched him go to his parents and sure enough they were very similar to what we looked like. My heart kicked back in. THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS!! I want one like that!! My heart longed for it. Then the disappointing dr.'s visits. Why hope? When it's just gonna be eviscerated and it's naivete hung out for everyone to laugh at? It's cruel.

So, Tuesday after the first ultrasound, I returned my bf's call, and threatened to throw my Motorola earpiece out of the car and run it over because it sucks. (It really does. I may be hormonal but I'm not wrong!) She laughed at me, "How's that Lupron working out for you?"

"Well apparently it sucks. There are only two follies so far. I'm really disappointed."

"It only takes one!"

That got me thinking. It only takes one...

It only takes...

One vote to win a nomination or an election.

One voice start a revolution.

One person to save a life.

One injection...

One knife...

One bullet...

One misunderstanding...

One idea...

One dream...

One embryo...

One is a powerful number. It's not my favorite number. Right now I hate it. It feels like it's standing in my way. Am I, One person, strong enough to knock it down? I don't know. I don't even dare say I hope so. Hmmm...One Hope.

I know this post is all very scattered, but that is the order of my one head.

CD4/SD4/LD6-IVF#4

2008-09-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

To all you other IVF folk out there, I have questions for you.

I saw a video blog of someone giving themselves injections of their meds. It looked to me like they were using an intramuscular needle for their stims and such ( I could be wrong, but the needle looked big). I have only ever used the subcutaneous. How about you? What size needles are you using? Do you know of any benefits (other than the obvious, OUCH!) to using one over the other?

[gallery]

What about anti-rejection drugs? I know that if you do ICSI or Assisted Hatching you get one. Have you heard of one that make your womb "stickier"? What protocols are you on? If you were successful what worked for you?

What say you!

CD3/SD3/LD3-4

2008-08-31T13:15:00.000-07:00

My ovaries hurt.

My head huts.

My endometreoma hurts.

I go in Tuesday for a day 5 ultrasound. Weeeeeee!

The man brought me dinner in bed because my head is hurting again. 6 came in to join me and stole one of the ribs off my plate. Lil' shit! I'm glad to see she hasn't lost her cow hunting skills livin' all bougie up in our crib.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption=" 6 - She looks like a good kittty, but she is only pretending..."][/caption]

I've also been trying to chart my temp. I think this is dangerous to a fragile hope but I'm doing it. I may stop. I don't know. I'm not very good about remembering first thing in the morning anyway. (I'm not a morning person.)

4 shots a day...it's...a pain. Pun intended. The needles for the Lupron are not very slick and the Menopur is the same. For that they gave me 1cc syringe which means, long skinny syringe that takes a long time to plunge. Why couldn't they give me a larger syringe? That shit stings! Yes I'm whining. It's the Lupron.

OK. I'll quit boring y'all. Have a good and safe holiday.

Oh, and those of you living in the path of Gustav, I sure as hell hope you left! Please! LEAVE! GET OUT!!! That is all.

CD1/SD1/LD3-4

2008-08-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a bitch! Lupron makes me the bitch that I am deep down inside. On one hand it's kind of fun, on the other, I'm not used to the anger...very odd. But I'm trying to NOT flip people off. The operative word being TRYING. (Hangs head in shame, but is still pissed at the asshole who fucking cut me off this after noon, and hopes his transmission fall out of his P.O.S.!!!!!) I'm still road rage girl in the car (see previous statement). I'm quick to argue with people online. Every thing pisses me of quickly! VERY QUICKLY! You have been warned...

Have a nice day! :-)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="367" caption="BITCH!!!!!!"][/caption]

CD 22-4

2008-08-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

Short post. I have a SCREAMING HEADACHE!

Acupuncture was great.

Lupron give me screaming headaches, therefore sucks!

Massage almost made me call uncle several times.

Lupron give me screaming headaches, therefore sucks!

Bye.

CD 20-4

2008-08-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

We have lift off!! So the ultrasound went well. RE was even really personable! Usually he's a no muss no fuss kinda guy. Which I appreciate. Today he was very...personable. Nice. Anyway, seems like we beat that endometreoma bitch into submission. It's not there on the left and much smaller on the right! Take that whore!! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I start the microdose Lupron on the 27th. Eventually, I will be up to four shots a day. >.< To celebrate, I'm gonna go to get Acupuncture tomorrow. Yes to celebrate my 4 shots a day, I'm gonna go get poked VOLUNTARILY with needles. 'Cause, you know;

That's. How. I. Do.

Peace out!

CD 18-4

2008-08-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

STOP MOCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I was sitting on the couch minding my own business watching...I dunno what, and this commercial comes on. It's a Pampers commercial. Something like, buy a pack of diapers and some needy child somewhere gets a vaccine. *blink blink* Lemme seeeeeeeeee...If I can't have a baby, I can't buy Pampers and some poor child dies from lack of a vaccine... That's. Just. Mean.

Later, I'm flipping through the TV menu and I run across a show, "Ask God" Topic, 'God, Why All the Suffering?'

Are you fucking kidding me? Really? I don't know who's cosmic sense of humor this is. It's one of those things you don't want to laugh at, but do...you know, like South Park.

CD 17-4

2008-08-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

Sooooooooo...wanna know my tentative schedule...

[caption id="attachment_218" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="4th Cycle"][/caption]

Loberly. 4 shots a day...I'm the luckiest girl in the whole, wide world!!!

Any questions? LOL.

CD 16-4

2008-08-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their kind and supportive comments and emails. You guys rock!!

CD15-4

2008-08-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well after going round and round with the pharmacy about the Follisitm dosage and vial size, I talked to the nurse and she assures me the drug company tells them they put an extra 137 IU's in the vial. I've not experienced it but no one else has had a problem with it so maybe it's just operator error. So, we'll see.

I have my first acupuncture appointment on Tuesday. I'm very excited. Honestly, I don't know if it's all a bunch of hooey, or if it really will help up the odds, but I figure, it can't hurt. And hey, if it helps with my hormonal headaches (which I have had for the past few days) I'm all about it! Maybe it can help with the spotting too. Dunno, but I'm hopeful.

Monday I have my baseline ultrasound. I'm wondering if I will have to do the blood test checking my E2 levels on this protocol. I guess I'll find out Monday, as well as why isn't anyone else concerned about the spotting. Bugs me.

Well, that's all I got. Later

CD14-4

2008-08-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

Do you think animals in the wild, mourn not being able to bear children? Do you think they are shunned by the others in their group, cast aside to live alone? Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of being cast aside, although some do fear it, and rightfully so. Some can't handle it. I just wonder if animals feel the loss. You see birds standing by the body of thier dead mate, why wouldn't they feel this too to some degree? Anyway, I don't really want an answer, I'm just wondering aloud.

CD 13-4

2008-08-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

I have a headache. :-(

CD10-4

2008-08-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

I'm having a personal crisis. I guess there is a crisis of faith, but more a cirsis of self. What have I done with my life? What will I leave behind? Who will remember me? Have I created anything? Made anything? I may not even be able to have biological children. Tick toc. Tick Toc. I'll leave nothing. Guess that means I am nothing.

"And poof. Just like that, he's gone."

Verbal, The Usual Suspects

CD9-4

2008-08-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

THE MICRODOSE LUPRON FLARE PROTOCOL

The microdose Lupron flare protocol is one of the most potent IVF protocols available. It has helped many women with poor ovarian reserves to conceive, and in our opinion, is the last resort before donor egg IVF. The protocol takes advantage of a special property of Lupron. When used in tiny amounts, Lupron stimulates the release of natural FSH from the pituitary for several days before exerting its suppressive effect. During this 'flare' period, the ovaries are stimulated by natural FSH. The subsequent addition of high doses of FSH from medications gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. The flare protocol can be summarized as below:

Menses Flare effect HCG Retrieval Transfer

Menstruation begins.

Birth control pill is used to suppress the pituitary for 10 to 14 days. Low dose types are preferable. A trial transfer is performed during this period.

Minidoses of Lupron are started 3 days after the last pill to stimulate the pituitary to release its own store of FSH (the flare effect). After 5 days, Lupron begins to suppress the pituitary to prevent premature ovulation. Lupron is continued until the day of HCG.

Ovarian stimulation is initiated 5 days after the last pill using the highest dose of FSH. The combination of natural FSH and medicated FSH gives the ovaries maximum stimulation. Close monitoring is required.

HCG injection is used to mature the eggs.

Egg retrieval takes place about 36 hours after HCG injection.

Embryo culture for 5 days.

Embryo transfer of 2 blastocysts.

Endometrial support using vaginal progesterone and topical estrogen.

Pregnancy test 12 days after transfer.

Source: http://www.ivfmd.net/Treatment/treatment2.htm

Well, that's really all I got. I'm not having the same symptoms I was last time so that's good. Must have been withdrawl from the other drug. So this is much better. Sorry I don't have more for you. If there are questions you have let me know, I'll try to answer them!!

See ya!!

10DP3DT

2008-08-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Blood test day...

Well there is no way to sugar coat it, it didn't work. BFN! *sigh*

So we jumped right back in. I am currently on CD6. Which if you remember is Birth Control Pills...again...I have my ultrasound on the 25th I think.

This time we are on a Flare protocol with Lupron. I am having a hard time explaining to the Pharmacist that my dosage is 425 of Follistim, please give me vials larger than 300 so I don't have to shoot myself twice. Which means in the end I will be giving myself like 5 shots a day. Stupid bitch. I should come shoot her 5 times a day.

DANGER: RANT AHEAD. YOU MAYBE BE OFFENDED...ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE DUMB-ASS I'M RANTING ABOUT.

In other news, we had a family member say the stupidest thing to the man a few days ago. Said family member claims he reads the blog but clearly did NOT read the things you shouldn't say portion. Remember don't give advice or make suggestions? Try to be supportive? Clearly not.

First he asked if we had thought of surrogacy. Oh gee, like that was never brought up in the 3 IUI's and 3 IVF cycles you fucking dim wit! It's that I! ME! MYSELF! want to carry OUR BABY! I WANT OUR BABY! OUR BIOLOGICAL BABY! CARRIED, BY ME! Get it?? If it was that I just wanted any baby, I'd have adopted already. So before you open your ignorant mouth again, don't bring up adoption. Yes we have heard of it. Yes we have considered it. No we are not ready for that step, not that it's any of your fucking business. He then proceeded to VOLUNTEER SOMEONE that he never spoke to, by the way to be our surrogate!! Thank you very much! This man has no sense of boundaries. Oh but wait, there's more...He says next, You know the odds are stacked against you. YOU GOD DAMN FUCKING MORON. DO YOU THINK WE DON'T KNOW THAT??!!! Would we BE HERE if we didn't know that? Can I get you some salt to pour in our gaping wound? I've put up with his inane, stupid comments for years. Watched him insult and alienate people right and left. You know what? I'm done. I will not have anything to do with him anymore. I may change my mind in the future, but for now. Fuck off! Don't call, don't write. You are not welcome around me. I don't need the negativity in my life. I have enough to worry about! Who is this asshole you ask? If you know us, you know who. I'll give you three guesses, but you're only gonna need one.

Next installment will be...I don't know. Maybe about the new protocol. Oh and the kittens are soooo cute!

9DP3DT

2008-08-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

Also known as "The Day Before the Blood Test".

I didn't really have anything planned for today's blog.

I guess the word for now is bitter. I'm bitter. But I couldn't be bitter if I weren't heart broken. Yes, I am already heart broken. Honestly, I don't even want to go tomorrow. Why bother? I'm angry and sad. I'm crying at the drop of a hat. The man asked when I want to go tomorrow, I finally decided, as early as possible. Rip off that band-aid. The nurse will call, and tell me what I already fear. Then I can get on with the rest of my grieving. It's like hitting your funny bone, there the initial pain but then the real pain comes in the second wave.

What do you do when you are immersed in that kind of pain? Pain attached to the knowledge of the three embryos you transferred in are dead. That would grow and become people you created from love. People that you would in turn, love and raise and nurture. Embryos that would probably thrive for someone else. I guess you push through it or you let it consume you. Right now, it feels consuming. I don't know what to do about that. I want to give in to the pain. Sink down and let the acrid, viscous agony envelop me.

You find yourself praying and begging. "Who would know if you performed one little miracle. No one actually knows if the embies survived or not, who's to say they didn't? Can't I have just one miracle? It's not like I'm asking for world power or harm to come to someone. I'm asking for what everyone else seems to have the right."

Then there brings in the question of if you can't bear children are you still a woman? You don't feel whole. You're unable to do "what you were put on earth to do." Yes thank you I know this does not make me any less a woman but guess what, it doesn't make me feel any better either. I also don't want any of those platitudes people are so fond of hurling whenever they hit a difficult situation and don't want to think. Oh, you can live a full life with out children. Ok. Sure. Fine. Give up yours then and tell me how full your life is. Also don't tell me I can always adopt like this is something we have never thought of, give me a fucking break. Or you can't miss what you never had. That is one of the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I encourage you to think before you speak. Put yourself in someone else's shoes for a moment before you open your mouth. What would you want to hear? T.H.I.N.K.!!!

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch but, *sigh*, get over it. For a change I'm gonna be concerned about my feelings rather than yours. I'm gonna take care of my self. And if I want to piss, moan and bleed all over this post I will and I'm not sorry about it. If your feelings are hurt, too bad. Don't come back. I don't need you. I don't even want you. Because guess what, this time it really is all about me and mine.

This is gonna be the last post for a while. So, I'll see you when I see you.

8DP3DT

2008-08-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

No surprises here. Still spotting. I'm starting to feel like a dalmatian.

Headache is trying to kick my ass and is winning...but I have a weapon...It's destiny is sealed.

Also, I wanted to say something about my post yesterday. The part about not calling us...No, I haven't changed my mind. I still don't want you to call us. What I wanted to say is, it may take a few days for us to call you, maybe even longer. If it's positive, I will want to get a few blood tests under my belt first. If it's negative, I may want to wallow in the depths of my closet for a long while. We do appreciate your concern and hope for us, but we will need time. OK? No hard feelings, right? Good.

The kittens...are funny...

We had to leave today and we are supposed to keep them separate from our other two cats for a week. Well we put them in the downstairs bathroom. When we got back they were no where to be found, I mean like I was asking the man, "Are you sure they were in here when you shut the door?" He was doubting it himself.

On a whim, I opened the closed drawer...BINGO!! I found Eight! He opened the other, Six! HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET IN THERE!!!! Kontortionist Kitties! We haven't laughed that hard in forever! They were destined to be ours. Little shits!

7DP3DT

2008-08-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

So, color me surprised. The spotting has seemed to have slowed. Go figure. I don't know what it means, if anything. I mean there is still spotting so...

I've been waking with headaches the past couple of days. Have managed to not take anything for them. It's...annoying. Also are body aches. I'm not a big fan of those either. Oh well.

As the day grows closer to the test, the more fear I feel. Honestly, I believe we're gonna get a BFN (big fat negative). So I don't know why the fear is building. Actual reality I guess.

On the day of the test, this is not gonna be the first place I unveil the results. I will make phone calls to the immediate family before I inform the general Internet population. Even then, the calls will not be made right away. So, if you could please give us time to absorb the results and not start calling right away, it would be appreciated. Don't call us, we'll call you. :-)

In other news, Six and Eight are doing well, the vet checked them out gave them their shots and deworming goo. They are both girls. When they are less skittish, I'll get pictures of them up. I predict Eight will be the first to try to pull and Michael Scofield out of the downstairs bathroom. I think she is the one who figured out how to open the cupboard and made a cozy little bed for the two of them in there.

Well, it's late and I have to get up early so, that's all for now.

6DP3DT

2008-08-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, what do you think happened today? Yup. Same. Damn. Thing. At this point I'm like, "Whatever." I do wonder if this has something to do with the year round spotting I was having that no one seemed that concerned about but me. Like I said, I don't know how they can stick, if I'm bleeding all the fucking time. Maybe they implanted before the bleeding started. Who knows. I called the nurse today and she told me just what I thought she would. Nothing to do. Wait for the blood test. At least now I feel like I've done all I can.

On a completely different note, we went to the movies to see The X Files. It was great. The man said to me, "You are soooooooo Scully!"

I pouted and whined, "But I want to be Muuuuuuuuldeeeeeeeeeeeer!!"

"You know what you have to do right?"

At this point I quote the movie which I will not do here in case you haven't seen it.

As we are driving away, the man says, "What is that?" and stops the car in the middle of the parking lot and gets out. I'm like what the hell? I look and see a pair of glowing eyes. I look again they belong to a black and white kitten. So I get out of the car. Then people want to leave the movies so I re-park the car and we spend an hour trying to catch 3 kittens. (anyone see the coinkidink?) I caught two of them, luring them with peperoni sticks and the third, the runt, when I finally caught him. KICKED. MY. ASS! Dude was wailing! Even, who we think was the mama kitty, came out to check the scene! But she didn't fight. She just walked away. So when I was tired of being beaten up I finally let him go.

"I guess he stays with mama."

"What should we do with the others?"

"I feel bad taking them from each other."

"They'd have a better chance with us."

I look at the man, I can see I have lost this argument. He is such a softy...

I debate it with him for like 30 seconds, my heart isn't in the debate, they are awfully cute.

So now we have two kittens we may or may not keep. One is a calico and kooky and one is a black and white tux. Toooooo cute! And big eaters! lol.

We have tentatively names theme Six and Eight.

5DP3DT

2008-07-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

I guess, mornings are just bad for me. Went to bed feeling more positive about everything. I had the goofiest dreams last night I had intended to share. Then woke up to more spotting, a lot of it, which has tossed me right back into despair. So I cried for a bit and have decided, eventually, I'll get used to the disappointment and it won't be so bad and I'll feel like talking to people again and reclaim my life.

Being in the predicament we are, I tend to notice a lot of "baby" things. Pregnant women, TV shows revolving around pregnancy, stores, adds, all kinds of things. Some of them even give me a little hope. Lately there seems to be an excess of it. Part of me wants to be optimistic and say it's a "sign", the other part feels like it's the universe mocking me. It really hurts. I don't know how to stay positive when I feel this bad. Do you? Honestly, I already feel like I'm mourning the loss for this cycle, I'm trying not to, but it feels hopeless. With any luck, I'm just hormonal and will be pleasantly surprised. (see, I'm trying :-) )

So what do I do? I'll get up and try to ignore the nagging doubt and underlying current of fear and go about my day on auto pilot. If I can't manage to do that, and right now, it does't feel like I can, I'll just crawl back into bed and try to sleep through it. I don't know what else to do.

50 min later:

The other thing to do apparently is to sob uncontrollably all morning. Maybe this is pent up anxiety and fear. Maybe this is mourning the loss of the Amigos. Maybe the crying will purge my system of all things bad and toxic and things will be brighter on the other side.

Hour after that:

I've stopped crying...for now. I feel a bit better. Resigned, but not mourful, well not that mournful.

Afternoon:

So, some conversations, some errands run, and a ginormus banana slurpy later...I'm tired. Somewhat better, but tired.

The man said the most amazing things to me today. He was quoting thing to me that were beautiful, I didn't want to tell him what a mess I was. Finally I did. Told him about the spotting, which to me is more like blood loss, and he said maybe they were both implantation spotting. Maybe two implanted that's why it happened two days in a row. That made me feel so much better. I am willing to grasp at any straw.

I mean if Mulder and Scully can have a baby and they took ALL her ova, then I should be golden, right? Yeah ok, she did give birth to some sort of alien/human hybrid super soldier, but I figure that's a small price to pay...

My mood has improved. Thanks to the man. He's good to me. Tomorrow will be another test. Hopefully I will not freak out and have another meltdown. We don't want it to be another one of those days.

How bad was it? It was a two slurpy day. Just sayin...

4DP3DT

2008-07-30T03:10:00.000-07:00

A.M. Thoughts

I woke this morning with more cramping and spotting heavier than I would have liked to see. It didn't look like new blood (I know TMI) which makes me feel a micro bit better. But, it feels a lot like AF showing up. Looks a lot like it too. I have the same thing happen right before it shows, like a few days before. I guess the most optimistic thing I can say about it is, the sooner my period starts the sooner we can start on the next cycle. Sound like I've given up? I think I have. Why would it work this time? Hasn't the other two times. I know I'm emotional, hormonal and not the most rational right now, but what I think is at the root of it is, if it doesn't happen this year, it won't happen. The insurance is gone. The money is gone. It's over. I guess I must have been a really evil person in a past life or maybe this one because it seems someone feels I'm not deserving of a child, which is so unfair to the man, and I'm so sorry for that.

Well, I have to go administer the progesterone, although I feel like, "What's the point?"

Afternoon Thoughts:

Spotting stopped...that's good...probably. Achy back, still in a mood though. Talked to Best Friend, she cheered me up as always.

P.M. Thoughts:

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I ate too much!

3DP3DT

2008-07-29T00:43:00.000-07:00

MY DAY!

6.30 A.M. Wake up, mind reeling.

6.35 A.M. Back is achy and I'm mildly crampy like PMS.

6.37 A.M. Convinced IVF didn't work.

6.45 A.M. Wonder about taking the Methylprednisolone. Call RE, leave msg.

6.50 A.M. Feel hungry. Have breakfast.

7.00 A.M. Check email and look for someone to assuage my fears.

7.22 A.M. No luck. Crawl back into bed and try not to cry...Fail.

8.00 A.M. Nauseated. Probably from antibiotic.

8.07 A.M. Contemplate Acupuncture...today. Feeling desperate and panicky.

8.10 A.M. Go to bank, deposit check, buy box of Saltines. Can't find 3 of our spare house keys. Pissed!

8.15 A.M. Go back to bed.

11.30 A.M. Wake. Feel somewhat better.

11.33 A.M. RE calls, answers question.

11.53 A.M. Lunch.

1.00 P.M. Feeling a bit better.

1.40 P.M. Scared it didn't work.

3.30 P.M. Tries to convince self symptoms are probably from progesterone.

Bloating; breast tenderness; constipation; cramping; drowsiness; fluid retention; headache; nausea; stomach pain; tiredness; vaginal burning or irritation; vomiting.

4.15 P.M. Prop tomato and peppers, added soil.

4.55 P.M. Clean refrigerator. Realize it's because of my control issues and lack there of in situation and fear.

5.30 P.M. Whine at best friend.

6.00 P.M. Make dinner, don't eat, nauseated.

6.45 P.M Pick up man.

7.05 P.M. Man spies ripe strawberry I grew.

Me: Pick it!

Him: No

Me: OK I'll do it. (and do, handing it to him)

Him: You grew this! How did you do that?

Me: I really have no idea.

7.20 P.M. Eat Dinner.

7.55 P.M. More fear.

8.45 P.M. Sure IVF it didn't work.

8:50 P.M. Split strawberry.

9.15 P.M. Make chamomile tea.

9.30 P.M. Shower.

9.43 P.M. Drink tea and hope for calming effect.

11.25 P.M. Sure it didn't work.

11.33 P.M. Achy PMS type pain. Very pessimistic.

Let me say, there is always this undercurrent of fear and tension. When I note it, it's becuase it has turned into breath taking anxiety... So, welcome to my day.

2DP3DT

2008-07-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

Nothing really of note happened. I had and appointment with my allergist. That's always fun. I love my allergist. I told him about the transfer on Saturday and he blessed my stomach! HAHAAHHAHAHAAHA. I think one of these days I'm gonna send him an invitation to have dinner. I love that guy!

The only other thing that happened is I gave the 3 Amigos er Embryos their first taste of true junk food...JACK IN THE CRACK. Mmmmmmmm...soooooooo gooooood!! And sooooooooo bad! I know...but I just WANTED it!

Ok I lied, the other thing that happened to day is pain. My insides hurt. My ovaries where they drained hurt. And every now and again the front of my tummy hurts just below my belly button hurts. Sore from the retrieval I suppose. After a couple of IVF cycles, I have found my insides are very sensitive. I MAY even take some Tylenol tonight to help me sleep. Haven't decided, I mean I can, I'm allowed but you know how it is...you want to do the right things...I know Jack wasn't the right thing but it was a yummy thing...

Anyway, that's about it unless you want to count my mind reeeeeeeeling!

1DP3DT (1 Day Past 3 Day Transfer)

2008-07-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

I know I've been AWOL, but I've needed time. The thing that surprises me is how tired I am. I guess all the emotional stress has taken it's toll on me. Honestly I feel like I could sleep for days. You know what, maybe I will. I can, so why not take advantage of it.

Retrieval Day:

You got part of that blog. Having imbibed myself with gallons of liquid the day before, the nurse had no trouble finding my vain for the IV this time. So I sit in pre-op waiting, reading a magazine, fawning over washers and dryers. (This is how yo know you're old. lol) The doctor who looks like she belongs on Grey's Anatomy, we'll call her Dr. O, comes over asks the usual questions, we chit chat a few seconds. I told her I wrote about her in my blog.

Dr. O: Uh-oh

Me: No, I said you looked like you belong on the cast of Grey's Anatomy

Dr. O: Oh, thank you!

Disembodied Nurse Head From Behind Curtain: I know doesn't she?!! (head disappears)

We all laugh.

Me: Now we just need to find Dr. McDreamy!

Dr. O: I know!! Where's my McDreamy?!!!

Me: I don't know, but if you find McSteamy let me know!!

A few words with the very nice anaesthesiologist, then a bit later I walk into the OR. They strap me down and put the mask on me. If I have a choice, next time, no mask. Give me the little nasal tubie thingie. To claustrophobic for me. Next thing I know, I'm out. Now, it's only a general so there's no tube down the throat or anything and you are actually partially awake, but remember nothing. *shakes head* you'll see the humor in that later.

I wake up and they move me to a gurney and take me back to recovery. They check me, make sure there is no excess bleeding. There is some but they are not worried. The expect it. I get cleaned up and they leave me there to sort of come around. The more I come around the more I hurt.

Nurse: You're frowning.

Me: Yeah. I hurt.

Nurse: Scale?

Me: About a 6

Nurse: That bad? - she comes over pushes on my stomach

Me: OUUUUCH!

Nurse: Well it's soft, so that's good. Why don't I get you some pain killers.

Me: OK. (inside, NOW YOU'RE TALKING)

She gives me 25 whatevers of Phentenol (sp). It takes the edge off for a little. She comes back a while later.

Nurse: How is it now?

Me: It was ok but now it's back.

Nurse: Well you have had nearly a whole IV bag, your bladder is probably full, why don't we take you to empty it.

My bladder doesn't feel full but maybe the drugs are confusing me. She walks me to the bathroom and I do my business. Which isn't a lot. Glad I'm not that off.

Nurse: Is there any bleeding?

Me: (happily) Nope.

We walk back to recovery. She is hanging my IV again, and straightening the bed for me to get back in when I feel something on my leg. I move my gown, look and I am dripping blood. FUCK!

Me: (FREAKING THE FUCK OUT! But stating calmly) Um, I seem to be bleeding.

She looks over and goes into serious nurse mode gets me into bed and starts checking me out. Goes to get Dr. O. I hear them conferring and whispering, ad they come back. Evidently, they also drained two endometriomas, and fluid and mucoid from my uterus. They expected there to be bleeding. What they are seeing is old blood so they're not that worried. I'm so glad someone's not! So they clean me up...again...and gave me more Phentenol and tried to make me more comfortable. As before, it takes the edge off but that's about it.

Nurse: I have a new plan. I don't want to give you any more Phentenol because your respiratory signs are dropping. I want to get you comfortable, get you in the car, and get you home where you can take vicodin.

Me: I love and support that plan.

After monitoring me for another half hour, I get up and dressed and out. I have vague recollections of getting home and having a conversation with my mother about sleeping on the couch. The man fills my prescription and I spend the next couple of days drugged up.

Transfer Day:

I get up and go downstairs to make breakfast. Take out bowl. Get Cocoa Puffs off top of fridge. Pour in bowl. Get glass for orange juice. Get milk and juice out of fridge. Pour Cocoa Puffs into glass. Look at glass. Realize something is wrong, but can't quite figure it out. Shit. Pour Puffs into bowl. Pick up glass, pick up juice in other hand. Look at glass, look at juice. Look at glass, look at juice. Pour juice in glass. Good. Pour milk in cereal. Put milk away on top of fridge...

Distracted much?

To do the transfer, you have to have a full bladder, helps push the uterus into the right position. So I drink over a liter of water so by the time I get there, I have to pee so bad I might die and we are a half hour early. So I cheat and pee. Go up to the office continue to drink. They call me in. take an ultrasound of my bladder.

Another Nurse: It's full.

Me: I told you that already.

AN: I'm just gonna take a picture and show the doc.

She does and disappears forever. Now, I am really uncomfortable and in pain.

Me: I can't wait much longer. I'm in pain. I'm just gonna go empty it half way.

The Man: Can you do that?

Me: I don't have a choice.

We debate over this for another 5 minutes.

That's it! I can't takes it no more! I get up get dressed peek out the door. Coast is clear. SNEAKY RUN down to the bathroom, pee like the wind, and empty half my bladder. Get to the bathroom door, peek outside, coast still clear, RUUUUUUUUN back to the exam room! TM and I laugh hysterically.

TM: You gonna tell the doc?

Me: Not if he doesn't ask. I don't want to get in trouble.

A while later the doc comes in.

Doc: Hello! So your bladder is too full.

Me to my self (not anymore)

Doc: So we need you to empty it. I want everything to go smoothly. Did you empty it partially already.

BUSTED! Me: Yeah.

Doc: That's good. Now, go back, do a slow count to 12 and then stop. That should leave plenty.

Me: Really? Ok...

The doc leaves to go attend to something probably the Assisted Hatching with the embryologist.

Me: I'm pretty sure there will be nothing left if I count to 12.

TM: Good luck!

So I go to the bathroom. Do my business, count to 12 and amazingly, bladder not empty! Guess that's why they call him doc! I go back to the room and wait. Doc and AN come back do some ultrasounds, make sure the mucus is gone, things are cleaned up. They are. He goes in and does a little bit more house cleaning.

While he is doing that, I ask some questions, and he laughs. Apparently, I was asking the same questions while I was "out". He says, your not really unconscious, and you talk and stuff. So it looks like I was telling Dr. O how pretty and smart she was and joking about Dr. McDreamy and then invited everyone over for a bar-b-que and cookies. Gawd I'm such a dork.

Doc: (Laughing) No, no. You don't tell any secrets or anything.

Ain't that a relief!

Doc: All it says is your a very nice person.

I could die right now.

TM: That sounds like her. Always wanting to feed people.

GAAAAWWWWDDDD!!! I guess I am who I am...

Then, just like that, he's ready. They bring in the embies. With out any fan fare, transfer them into my uterus and he shows me the air bubble on the ultrasound.

Doc: There they are. That is just an air bubble, they are too small to see but there they are.

And here they are...hopefully...my future:

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[caption id="attachment_127" align="aligncenter" width="495" caption="The 3 Embryos"][/caption]

Day 16 Day Before Transfer

2008-07-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

Nothing of note happened today. I slept in really late! I was very happy about that. Nothing to get up for. So nice. I'm not in as much pain which is also nice. Still hobbling though. I guess when I'm laying around for the next few days, (becuase you know I'm fully gonna take advantage of this) I'll write up what the retrieval was all about.

CD 15 Day After Retrieval

2008-07-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

I want to thank everyone for their calls and concerns. As you could tell, I was not up to talking. So here is the short long version...details to follow on a later post.

There was more pain than I had expected.

There was more blood than I wanted.

There were fewer eggs than I expected and wanted...4

On the upside of down, 3 of the 4 fertilized.

3 day transfer on Saturday, and I'll tell you what, if all 3 make it, I'm putting them ALL BACK IN!

So at this point, I don't want people calling, texting or commenting to me on all the dangers of transferring that many embryos. I'm a big girl with a higher than average I.Q. I've read the statistics, I know the percentages. I know about splitting and selective reduction. So if you disapprove. Keep it to your self. If you feel you can't, it will be deleted or you well be hung up on and never spoken to again. Capiche?

CD 14 - RETRIEVAL DAY!!!!!

2008-07-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sitting here in the waiting room at my RE's. It is hysterical to watch the men walking around with paper bags containing their "genetic contribution" and looking all uncomfortable. Every one in the waiting room looking at them like, "I know what YOU'VE been doing!" Way too amusing.

9.15 AM

So all checked in, although I'm a little dismayed about it...I mean the woman knew I was here, talked to me, talked to the man...why wouldn't she just mark that I was here? I went to the counter,

Me: "I'm officially checking in."

Derogatory Nick Name: "Oh OK. You should have come up earlier, we're slow we could have got you rolling."

Me: Utter confusion....*crickets*

Derogatory Nick Name: "Ok, there you are...Thanks."

Whatev!

UPDATE: 8. 20 pm

Short story, it's done and it's disappointing.

Long story, I'll tell when I'm not hopped up on pain meds.

Thanks foreveryone's best wishes. They mean the world to us!

CD13-Retrieval T-Minus 1 Day

2008-07-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

We are up at the BIL & SIL's house. They were gracious enough to allow us to spend the night so we didn't have to drive 2.5 hours to be at the clinic by 8.30 AM. Yuck.

So am I excited? No. Not really. Calm before the storm? Maybe. Not sure. I did have a moment where I was a bit excited but that's all. I was really excited my mom came down and helped me clean the house so I could convalesce and not have to stare at the disaster that was my house. Don't. Ask.

Since I will have an hour to kill tomorrow morning, I may try to blog a little if anyone wants to know. I just realized my email list is on my laptop and I am on SIL's computer...so no email tonight. LOL.

OK. I guess that's it. See ya later! Cross your fingers!

CD12/TRIGGER DAY

2008-07-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

Antibiotic - Check.

HCG - T minus 2hours 25 minutes...

Mood:

Here is an example of my mood:

Last night I was watching a segment on 60 Minutes. It was about a guy named John Kanzius. He has invented a machine that may cure cancer. They are having luck with animal test. They are about 4 years out from human testings. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN the research geeks talking about this machine! (Don't get me wrong, I so luuuuuuuuuuuurv me some geeks!) I haven't seen geeks on TV get that excited in...geeze, EVER! It really is exciting I have to admit. Anyway several time during the story I got all weepy. "Oh my God! They're actually gonna cure cancer!" weep, weep.

I am so fucking hormonal.

UPDATE:

Trigger - Check.

CD11/SD11

2008-07-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

I was right.

Tonight is my last dose of the stimulants and aspirin. (BTW thanks cuz for the aspirin!)

Monday night we start the antibiotic with dinner. 11.30 P.M. We trigger with the HCG. Which is exactly 35 hours before retrieval.

Tuesday, more antibiotics morning and evening with food. No eating or drinking for me after bedtime. We will probably go stay at BIL & SIL's place they are closer to Stanford than we are.

Wednesday morning the man takes his last does of antibiotic.

8.30 A.M. The man drops of his "Genetic Contribution"

9.30 A.M. I check in. (Notice I have to get up earlier becuase of him. It's ok. I checked with the doctor, I get good drugs. Nananananaaaaaanaaaaaaa!)

10.30 A.M. Retrieval.

So that's the plan. Then with any luck, they will fertilize and I will go back in 3-5 days later for the transfer. Here is the best video I on Oocyte retrieval could find.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=60btZpQMEZg]

Here is one one assisted hatching.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=19iLtgR7ULQ]

And here is one of ICSI

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZBZIRQlL0n8&feature=related]

Well I have to go give myself the last of my stims. So I'll see y'all later!!

CD10/SD10

2008-07-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

I did nothing IVF related today (other than stab my self in the stomach with syringes repeatedly). But forgot everything!! Hormone related or am I just a dork? I think the latter...

So here is what I think is going to happen.

Sunday:

A.M.:   Ganirelix
Noon: Ultrasound
P.M.:    Follistim and Menopur

Monday:

A.M.: Ganirelix
P.M.: Trigger

Wednesday:

Retrieve

I think...

CD9/SD9

2008-07-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

My mood was better today. So the appointment wasn't so bad. Same ol' violation. Poke, poke; lookie, lookie. Could have 8-9 ready by retrieval day which may be Wednesday. When we get closer, I'll put up some information on what happens.

I came home, ate lunch and was suddenly very, very tired. I guess it takes more energy to grow a bunch of follies rather than 1-2. They are so small, you wouldn't think it would take that much energy. Or, I have had this stomach bug for a few days, I don't know if it's the side effects of the drugs or a bug, but that could be it too. In any case, sleepy...zzzzzzzzzzzz...doughnuts....zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

CD8/SD8

2008-07-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

I know I've been a bitch these past couple of days, and to tell the truth, I'm still not over it. But at least I'm blogging...

I go back in tomorrow for another violation ultrasound to see what's what. They started me on the Ganirelix today. Can I say...OW!!! The needle does not play nice and the juice stings!!! I don't like it. But, whatever. Dr doesn't feel we'll retrieve before Monday. So tomorrow we'll see.

My mood is seriously bad. Honestly, you know what I'm looking forward to? The retrieval. Why? Because they will KNOCK. MY. ASS. OUT! I just don't want to deal or think. I'm seriously hoping for pain killers for after the procedure. I'm REALLY sore for about 24-36 hours after a retrieval. Not sure why, maybe just sensitive. So it would be a nice bonus to be knocked out in addition to not being in pain.

And on a completely different topic, sort of...

Someone said to me recently, I can't remember who, "When life gives you lemons, throw them at people." or something similar. I like it. Very violent. How about squeezing the juice into someones eye!!! That thought just makes me giddy! As you can see...not better yet...

CD7/SD7

2008-07-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

I have to go back Friday. The results are disappointing to me. We wont retrieve before Monday.

CD6/SD6

2008-07-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

MENTAL HEALTH DAY

POSTING WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW

CD5/SD5

2008-07-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I have 7-8 follies ranging from 5-10. But, I'm told not to fret, it's still early. So I go back in on Wednesday for another lookie-loo. I hope more pop up. It has me worried even if I'm not supposed to be. The cyst I had is gonna be drained when they do the retrieval. That should make things more comfortable for me.

I got some bad news today. An online friend of mine had a heart attack and died Thursday. I've been struggling with it all day. She was only 34. Has two small children. The man came home from work and our usual greeting turned to me finally breaking down.

Talk about how unfair life is. Some people want children so badly and struggle and fight for them. Some may NEVER get them. Then there are those who have a whole brood of babies they don't care about. They do horrible things to them. Abuse. Abandonment. Murder. There are people who are wonderful parents and are taken too soon while others are left to perpetuate cycles of abuse. At times like these I do question the motives of our higher power. It makes faith a real struggle. You want to scream at the powers that be, "WHY!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE! IT'S UNFAIR!! IT'S WRONG! WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU GET TO DECIDE!!" I can't imagine those questions will ever be answered. Yes, I'm angry! I'm angry at inequity and loss! Sometimes I just want to break things! I want THEM to hurt as badly as I do! If they did maybe THEY would reconsider THEIR actions.

I could try to go out on a positive note, tell you to hug your loved ones, do all the things you keep putting off, blah, blah blah. But I'm not feeling it. Truthfully, all I really want to do is crawl into bed, stay there and weep.

Dawn, my girl. Too soon, babe. Too soon. You so weren't done yet! I miss you already. I guess instead of being a mentor, you can now go and provide Spiritus ("the divine breath") to other writers.

Obituary: http://www.ospreyobituaries.com/sitepages/obituary.asp?oId=250666&source=Belleville%20Intelligencer

Some of Dawn's Work: http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/user_id/blackstump

CD4/SD4

2008-07-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

I'm doing better today. I called the RE Fellow on call this A.M. and she called in a prescription for me to help the migraine. I think I love her. I'm still not 100%, so I'm not gonna rant like I planned but I will bring up what had me astounded the other night.

Remember my mean little blind, knitting friend, the one who hits people with her cane? Well, evidently she had company this weekend. I'm not sure how it came up, but I get this email from her, she's on her cell phone, "I hate certain persons, especially when it comes to religion." Uh oh. Then I get an IM on Yahoo:

BKF:    I hate stupid people!!!
MWB:    oh no why?
BKF:    I have a fucker here pissing me off saying that you and pat need to adopt that you guys have no right
MWB:    no right to what
BKF:    I told him your God isn't right all the time look around fucker
BKF:    Ivf
MWB:    tell him when he gets elected god he can tell me what to do.
MWB:    what god didn’t make drs?
BKF:    Exactly
MWB:    self righteous bastard
MWB:    if he wants to live in the dark ages tell him to go find a nice third world country and kindly disappear and please don’t reproduce we don’t need any more narrow minded individuals in the world thank u
BKF:    I told him what if you were sterile and all your wife wanted was to have your baby
BKF:    He said then we'll adopt
MWB:    and that's a valid choice
MWB:    one we are not prepared to make yet
BKF:    I'm pissed off at narrow mindedness
MWB:    yeah
BKF:    I told him personally I've carried My Husband’s's babies and honestly if I couldn't I don't think I'd want to adopt
MWB:    does he have kids?
BKF:    No he's 30 and still a virgin
BKF:    Fucker
BKF:    I told Ed I didn't want him here this weekend
MWB:    tell his know it all ass to call me when he wants to have biological children and the possibility that he cant comes up
MWB:    tell him he should not speak of what he doesn't know
BKF:    He's got a whole idea of well it really wasn't meant to be thing
MWB:    mhmmm
MWB:    he ever been sick?
MWB:    ever been to a dr.
MWB:    had surgery
MWB:    fixed a car
BKF:    I.said I want to here from your future wife
BKF:    He's stupid totally stupid
MWB:    yup
BKF:    He's the one that landed the jet ski on the back of our boat and luckily the two in the back caught it and jumped otherwise they would’ve been hurt or dead
MWB:    idiot
BKF:    You know I'm all about what goes around comes around
BKF:    Hmmmmm I wonder what's coming around for him
MWB:    no one will marry him
MWB:    he'll die a virgin
BKF:    That's what I'm thinking too
BKF:    I love you you have the same mentality as me
BKF:    Are we broken or is it the world?
MWB:    the world

I fully expect by this point she has beaten him around the head and shoulders with her cane. *snicker* Today the moron apparently did something else to piss her off involving her own kids. Her husband is not happy either. I'm guessing, he will never get an invitation back. HAHA!

In other news, the shots are going OK. Menopur still stings so I do that one first. I'll see if I can manage to record myself mixing tomorrow so you can see. I go in tomorrow so they can have a look at my follies. Day 5 and all. So we will see how they are developing. I'm feeling a little full, bloated around my ovaries so my guess is they are growing or my insides are just swollen, which happens to me too. I'm hoping for Type A follies!

Ok, that's all I got. Thanks again to everyone for the great comments! I really appreciate the well wishes and positive thoughts!

CD3/SD3

2008-07-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="410" caption="MRI of Migraine"][/caption]

I had a whole big rant scheduled for this post but alas, a migraine has taken the wind out of my self righteous sails. So rather than get my rant on, I'm gonna go get my migraine fight on. My migraines are hormone based so I am not that surprised. So did I plan ahead and call any of my many doctors to get a solution for it? Of course not. It was always, next time, or later. Well, that's what I get for procrastinating. I guess I'll call them tomorrow. I think I'll call the RE since they know what they want in my system and what they don't. So, hopefully, I will be much better tomorrow and ready to rant about ignorant people.

CD2/SD2

2008-07-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

Cramps from Hell - Looks like a duck.

Fatigue from Hell - Quacks like a duck.

Must be a duck.

Ergo - I'm in Hell!

So the Menopur didn't really sting this time so it must have been operator error; stabbed myself in the wrong place. (Stab Stab - That's for you Sci!)

When I wasn't sleeping I was having an OK day. So, that was good. But the later it got, the more tired I got, probably the more hormonal I got, the more doubt and fear slipped in. Mainly, what if it doesn't work? BIG FEAR! For a couple good reasons I don't have the emotional where-with-all to go into right now. I know, I'm hormonal, moody and tired.

It. Will. Be. Fine.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Ok, enough of that...here's a funny story.

I have this friend, we actually met on-line. She's legally blind. When we go out together, I don't let her take her cane with her. No, I am not sadistic or mean! I have self preservation skills! She likes to hit people with her cane. And unless I am on Lupron, I a not up for fighting fools! This is one of the reasons I like her so much, actually. (This is important to the story, I swear.) We met on a knitting forum. She knits the most amazing stuff. Stuff I can't do and I can see fine! She asked me what knitted stuff I wanted for the baby. I said everything. All their clothes should be knit! Well, that should use up about a quarter of her yarn stash. That is no joke! Anyway we were on-line last night yakin' it up.

Knitting Friend: "So are we going to the knitting convention in February?"

OK don't laugh we try to go every year. It's fun.

Me: "Planning on it...Oh wait, I should be VERY pregnant by then." I do the math. "Oh yeah, it should be fine."

Knitting Friend: "Can you see it now? Me with my cane, pushing your too pregnant ass in a wheel chair?!!"

Hysterical laughter ensues.

I tell the man about the conversation. More hysterical laughter, "I WOULD go to see that!"

Cue more laughter!

On that note, I guess I'm out.

Cycle Day 1/Stimulant Day 1 (CD1/SD1)

2008-07-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

Tah Dah!!!!. All went well at the doc today. I hurled my questions at her like they were the last words that would ever leave my lips and she answered each one with out batting an eye. I like that. She assuaged all, well a lot of my fears and said my size 1 cyst was on the outside of my ovary so she could give a crap about it. Yay me! BUT! She wanted to make sure so she sent me for a blood test to check my Estradiol Level. They wanted it under 60. Woot!!! I was. What was it? Click here----> X *snicker*

Anyway, I didn't get the number until I got home later and she said to go ahead and start the stims. So what are the stims and how much am I taking?

Follistim - 425 IU: This is a problem because the vials the pharmacy gave me are all 300 IU's, and you can only use one vial at a time, so you guessed it, I have to give myself at least 2 shots of this to get the right dosage. Good thing it doesn't hurt, or at least I hit a spot that didn't hurt this time. So what is the drug?

Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is a naturally occurring hormone. FSH is important in the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Follistim is a brand of follicle stimulating hormone. Follistim is used to stimulate a follicle to develop and mature. It is used when a woman desires pregnancy and her ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is not sufficient to make the follicle mature. Follistim is also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="275" caption="Follistim Pen and Cartridge"][/wp_caption]

Menepure - 150 IU: The vials come in 75 IU's so I have to mix them with a regular syringe to get the right amount, so only one shot! This one stung a bit though... I wonder if it was my ineptitude or the drug actually stings. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Anyway...ONE SHOT!! Woot! What is this drug?

Menotropins are an equal mixture of the naturally occurring follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). FSH and LH are important for the development of follicles (eggs) produced by the ovaries. Menotropins are used to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg) when a woman's ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is deficient. Menotropins are also used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs for in vitro fertilization.

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="Menopur"][/wp_caption]

I'll make a video of me prepping the shots so you can see what I mean. Do you want to see me give my self the injection as well? Let me know.

Bottom line? They help me produce many eggs. Essentially...I'm a chicken...

[wp_caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="177" caption="Black Hen on Eggs"][/wp_caption]

Hahahahaha get it? Get it? Black hen...eggs...no? Geeze you guys suck!

Cycle Day 23

2008-07-09T15:30:00.000-07:00

To obsess or not to obsess...Well, it's me so of course it's to obsess. What's my latest bent? Well 3-Day versus 5-Day transfer. I'm debating with myself over how technical to get about this...hmmmm. Fuck it. I'll just see where it leads me. As I understand it, if the fertilized eggs make it to good grade (1 or 2), and 8 cells by day 3, they will transfer it to another medium to grow to blastoycyst stage.

Numeric grading systems for multicell embryos usually have 4 levels:

Grade 1: even cell division, no fragmentation
Grade 2: even cell division, small fragmentation
Grade 3: uneven cell division, moderate fragmentation
Grade 4: uneven cell division, excessive fragmentation

Article by T. Timothy Smith, MD IVF Timetable and Embryo Grading

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="3-Day 8 Cell Embryo"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="5-Day Blastocyst"][/wp_caption]

My question is, what if the cells don't make it to 8 by day 3 and they decide to transfer on day 3 anyway, who's to say that they would develop any further in my uterus? The fertilized egg doesn't usually make it to the uterus until day 5. On day 3 they are still in the fallopian tube. So does putting them in a place they are not supposed to be in for another couple of days risk the eggs? If you keep them in the new medium, which is more like a fallopian tube environment for the 5 day transfer, does it give you better odds? If they are not developing after 3 days doesn't it mean that there is a genetic problem? Is transferring them on day 3 just taking the emotional responsibility off the RE? The embies don't make it to day 5 so the couple screams, "Your lab screwed up my embryos!!" Or are they in a back room somewhere shaking their collective heads at the poorly developed cells snickering, "Well, lets just transfer them since they aren't gonna make it anyway that way she will think it's her fault and not ours." Is the reason they predominately do a 3 Day transfer because of insurance companies. Does the extra expense and time it takes to nurture to the blast stage make it a financial decision rather than a scientific one? Are they too large a clinic for them to bring it to blast effectively because they do so many procedures? I told you I was obsessing.

My next not so heated obsess? Well I guess it's not really an obsess more of a query. Why didn't they put me on Lupron this cycle? Curious...

My third obsess, Assisted Hatching. To hatch or not to hatch? What is it? The embryo is first placed in a petrie dish containing culture solution. A special pipette is then used to hold the embryo in place. The embryologist takes a hollow needle that contains an acidic solution and places it next to the zona pellicuda. A tiny bit of this acidic solution is released from the needle so that it comes into contact with the zona pellicuda. ( I understand they are beginning to use lasers, too) This acidic solution begins to slowly digest the protective layering, creating a small hole. The embryo is then washed in a special solution and placed back inside an incubator until the embryo transfer can take place. It seems to me if assisted hatching increases pregnancy rates why wouldn't you do it all the time?

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="360" caption="Assisted Hatching"][/wp_caption]

[wp_caption id="" align="alignnone" width="350" caption="Hatched Blast - Go little blast GO!!!"][/wp_caption]

I was reading about the reasons to do assisted hatching:

Where the woman is over a certain age (37 ick!). --OK. That's me...

Egg quality and quantity. Where the woman's FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone: 1- Hormone produced by the pituitary gland responsible for stimulating the growth of the follicle that surrounds the egg. FSH on CD3 of menstrual cycle is important in evaluating ovarian reserve.) hormone is high. --Not sure about that, I think mine was.

The Z factor. Where the Zona Pellucida (the outer covering of the egg...the shell) is thick. --I have no idea...

Previous failed IVF attemps. --This is IVF #3

So, when I checked my paperwork, they don't have me down for assisted hatching. WELL WHY THE FUCK NOT!!! The poor doctor is soooooooo gonna get an ear full from me tomorrow.

Last obsess, what if they don't like the size of my size 1 follicle? I have never been a size 1 anything...maybe shoe...Now, I'm complaining because I have something that is a size 1 and it too freaking big. How wrong is that!!!!! This is not going to be a very good night...

In other related news...you notice we are on Cycle Day 23 and Cycle Day 1 again...I'm tired, crampy, headachy...but no CD1. Maybe tomorrow.

I was just re-reading this post and can you please add PMS to my "In other related news" list? Sheesh...maybe it's a good thing I'm not on Lupron. I might start killing fools. The doctor was probably afraid for his life!

Cycle Day 22

2008-07-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

Although, I'm really mostly posting about Cycle Day 17...AKA...HYSTEROSCOPY DAY!! *cue fanfare*

Ok, so the day starts ok. I'm all packed for my weekend camping trip, we pack the car and head to the RE's office. We're due for a 12:00 Check in for a 1:00pm procedure. We are about half way there at 11:00am when I get a call on my cell phone.

"This is the RE's office, may I speak to MWB (Mommie Wanna Be) please?"

"This is she..."

"Hi, we have you scheduled for an 11:00am procedure with a 10:00am check in and you're not here."

"No, you have me scheduled for a 1:00pm procedure with a 12 Noon check in."

"Where did you get that information?" I kid you NOT that is what the bitch said to me.

Getting up on my high horse, "On the paper work YOU gave me."

"I see. Can you give me a minute to check on that? Oh wait, can I just call you back?"

"Sure thing." I hang up the phone turn to the man and repeat the conversation. His face is blank. I know what he is thinking, How will this affect my camping trip? Next I pull up my computer and look at the scanned document. Yep 12 noon. Shortly there after, I get a call back.

"You're saying no one called you to reschedule your time?" Like I'm lying!!! You do understand you can't eat or drink at all before the procedure... wouldn't I want to move it up so I could eat before 3PM???!!!

"Yes. No one called me. I got no messages."

"Hmmm...OK. Well why don't you come in at the regularly scheduled time." Like she's doing me a favor!!!

"Yes that will be fine."

A little while later at the RE's office...

BFF, "So you never got a phone call?"

"No. Not a one. Not a message or anything."

"That's odd, because she said she spoke to you."

WHAT LYING BITCH SAID THAT!!!!! "No. She is mistaken. She must have talked with someone else. I mean doesn't it make sense I'd want to come in earlier for this? It's not like it's any inconvenience."

BFF looks sceptical, I'm not sure if it's she doesn't believe me or she has concerns about whoever the lying bitch is who SAID she talked to me. "Yeah it does."

"Maybe she just THINKS she talked to me because she misses me so much." I quip.

BFF laughs. Later I find out they are having a BBQ. Probably why they wanted to reschedule so badly. She must have lied to clear the books. To hell with the worried woman on an IVF schedule because she is infertile and may never have her own biological child. Bitch.

Later after the intake and instructions, I am in the preop room where they have to give me an IV. Well, boys and girls, lesson one, if you have not eaten or had anything to drink all that day, you are dehydrated and it makes finding a vein very, very, very, very hard. Yes I used four very's. Why? Because they tried to impale me FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES IN FOUR DIFFERENT PLACES!!! Good thing I'm not afraid of needles and am a good sport! They started out on my left hand, and didn't just poke and run, they had to wiggle it around in there awhile before they decided it wouldn't do. Then they moved to my left wrist where they repeat the process. Next moving to my right arm, not even at the elbow, lower on the sensitive part where they had so much fun the first two times they repeat it. Yes there were two nurses. Then finally my right hand where they did it all over again. It took them over 30 minutes to get a vein!!!! I won't lie. Hurt like fuck!! You can see my right hand was already starting to swell...

They get the IV in me and start an Advil like drug that is long acting like 8 hours to help with the cramping later in case I have some...in case I have some...in case I have some... *shakes head*

I walk into the OR and have to put my legs in some medieval torture device to keep them apart for the lookie loo. Totally humiliating.

The doctor comes in and she looks like an extra for Grey's Anatomy. Unbelievable. Insult to injury. We do the ultrasound first, she spies my cysts. Looks a bit concerned so I start asking questions. What do you see? Every thing ok?

"You have a couple of large follicles."

"Yeah I know."

"How big were they?"

"Don't remember." heh "How big are they now?"

"About 1."

"Oh cool! They were over 4!"

"OH Good!! They are going down then! Good!"

Next we prep for the Hysteroscopy. Lemme break it down for ya. Essentially, they take a camera and a hose, shove it up your hoohoo, and turn your uterus into a water balloon and take pictures of the experience. Cramping? Yes. They were really good about it too. "No need for you to suffer. If your in pain tell us!"

"PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!"

"That a girl!" Nurse pushes more drugs.

Goooooood nurse! I forgive you for turning me into a human voodoo doll.

So looking around my uterus, all looks clean. Geeze, should be...

Back in the recovery room, they give me some apple juice and Graham crackers for being a good little pin cushion/water balloon and wait for my blood pressure and heart rate to go down before letting me go.

Conclusion? I have to go back Thursday for an ultrasound to make sure the cysts are still shrinking. I hope they are...I'm not convinced. But if that goes well, then it will be Stim Day 1.

OMG!! FIREFOX TOTALLY CRASHED ON ME AND I THOUGHT I LOST THE WHOLE POST!!! FUCKTARDS!

Anywho...instead of posting them here, I'll link you to where all the pics of my hands and stuff are if you want to see the swelling a bruising. My advice to you, if you ever have to do anything like this where you need an IV, and you can't eat or drink for a long time before hand, drink like a fish the day before so you stay hydrated and they can find your veins. The nurse told me that. Wish I'd have known that sooner...

IV Infamy

Saturday I was the last day of the birth control pills so somewhere around the 9th should be CD1 all over again. We shall see. Other than that, that's all I have to say!

Thanks again to everyone with their comments and tales, I really appreciated it.

Would I go camping after something like that again? HELL to the NO!!. I was a mess Friday. Got up decided I needed a do over, went back to bed and got up again. Saturday, the day we are supposed to go to the river, I wake up with a migraine!!! I can not thank "D" enough for sharing her drugs with me. If she hadn't I would have ended up in an ER for sure. I had NOTHING strong enough for it. God bless that woman!!!! And never go camping in a confined space with someone who snores! Well I'm just FULL of advice today!! Anyway. Don't do it. It's more trouble than it's worth. Your tired, achy and there is no real bathroom, or Internet connection. Bad deal. ;-)

Stay tuned for more exciting tales...

Cycle Day 16

2008-07-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm Back! Miss me? No? Too bad. Well we were out of town for a couple of days and while we were out of town, kissin' and huggin' on family, one of the bastards gave me a sore throat so I haven't felt up to blogging. But now, I'm back. Just in time to go away for another couple of days. LOL.

The nurse called me back and told me they did a TSH on me and everything was where it should be. Honestly that bums me out because it would have explained so many things. Oh well. She also said that the dr had me on a pretty high dose of stimulants. So, maybe that will fix...something. She also said that camping shouldn't be a problem. She was a little concerned about floating down the river after having to dilate my cervix, but it should go back to normal before then. I also need to stay out of the sun while I am on the antibiotic (which I hope will help clear up the sore throat).

Monday, we went to the IVF Orientation and Injection Training class. It was mostly been there done that. Except I had some different meds, so I wanted to be clear on those. SOMEONE, was impatient and didn't want to stay. He felt like he'd been there done that, I don't have to give you any injections, why do I have to be here? I said fine, leave. I'll walk home. He laughed. I was not amused. At. All. Other than that, the class went well. We need to stop by the pharmacy that gave me my drugs to pick up some Q*Caps that they took out of the box. "Well most people don't get training on it so we take it out." I think she has been sampling some of products she's been selling. So we'll leave a little earlier and do that before hand.

I have a Talisman or Amulet. I will take it with me to all my procedures. I'm really happy about that. Those of you who know my other identity, I will blog about it there. Anyway it's a carved stone horse. It's beautiful, perfect and given with absolute love. So I know it will help!

Tomorrow I go in for the Hysteroscopy. Am I nervous? No. But, if it does turn operative, then camping is out. Which will bug me because I just spent 90 minutes packing. I could have been sleeping!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHA. Yes, I am bringing my computer with me camping. So, I may blog while I'm there and post when I get back. Which reminds me, I need to find some movies to bring with me...It is a VERY. LONG. DRIVE. Like 7 hours if we hit no traffic. Fortunately we are taking the Mystery Machine and there is a bed in the back (which is why we are taking it, no tents) so while I am all drugged up, I can be in the back snoozin'. I love that idea. I also have a couple of audio books as well as regular books. I should be good.

I was thinking the other day that maybe creating this blog wasn't the best idea. I mean what if this round doesn't work. Then everyone will know rather than just the two of us. Very scary. Not that I don't love my friends and family, but...I'm not one to share pain. So, if the worst happens, don't take it personally if I don't want to talk.

Also, thanks to everyone for your comments. They made me feel a bunch better. I just want to do everything right, you know...of course you do. And those of you who have been through it or are going through it or are about to go through it, you totally feel me! So, that's it until later. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Cycle Day 10

2008-06-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

I spent last night obsessing. No surprise there right. Why? Well, the reason I had a hysteroscopy the first time was because I had been spotting between cycles and didn't know why. They did an ultrasound and found my lining to be 11.4. It should have been less than 5. So they scheduled a D&C and hysteroscopy to see if there were polyps, fibroid, tumors and other unwanted items that would be causing the bleeding. Well tests and pictures came back clean so what could it be? She didn't know, thinks it's probably hormonal, check with my RE. So, after the D&C I didn't have a cycle for like 6 weeks or something so we induced with Provera. Worked like a charm. Then a month later I had my first natural cycle. I am just off this cycle but I am still spotting. Now, it doesn't take a genius to realize you can't drop in embryos in a uterus that is continuing to shed and cause spotting. So, I started researching and discovered an underactive thyroid would cause this. It would also cause some of the other issues I'm having. The good news is, it is so easily treated that it wouldn't cause an issue with the IVF. In fact it is one of the things they watch during the first weeks of pregnancy. The baby relies on the mother's thyroid, so it grows to sustain the baby until it develops it's own after about 10 weeks, then shrinks back down. So obviously, they have to keep that in check. I called the RE today and asked two things. 1. Did they do a full thyroid blood panel when they did the other blood tests. 2. Would it be OK to go camping after the hysteroscopy. Since there would be no running water or bathrooms. I am concerned about pain, what bleeding might occur and infections. I may still be able to go camping, but I probably won't get to float down the river. That's fine. I didn't get to last year either. They said the nurse would call me back in the next 24 hours. No call back today. I'll call them tomorrow morning and tell them WHEN the nurse calls me back TODAY, to do so on my cell.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

P.S.

I'm out of town for the next couple of days, so there may or may not be any posts. But, have no fear! I shall return. I know, I know. You can breathe now.

Cycle Day 9

2008-06-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have a couple things to talk about today that I forgot to mention yesterday.

First, I need to make another confession. I'm apparently suffering from anxiety. I guess that goes hand in hand with fear. How did I come to this enlightening conclusion? My hands hurt. OK, stick with me...

My hands have been hurting. Even with as much typing as I do, there is no reason for my hands to be feeling like this. Honest. I don't type THAT much! Then, two nights in a row, I wake to me, gripping my blankets like it is a life line; the only thing coming between me and a long, painful drop onto sharp rocks covered in salt! Why didn't I figure it out the FIRST night I woke up this way. I forgot. I've been tired lately, back off. The second night I was like, "Ohhhhh..." I'm not really sure how to deal with that. When I find myself doing that and I'm awake, (I SAID back off!! I'm working through my denial!) I just stop, stretch my hands, breathe, relax. Not sure how to do that when you're sleeping...Any ideas?

Second

Yesterday we got a notice that my insurance had been canceled due to lack of payment in April. WTF!!! So we looked it up there was a payment in April and May. There were other notices from them saying there was continuation of coverage blah, blah, blah...same old stuff...oh, that and the premium had gone up. So I call them. "Sorry ma'am, I don't see that your account has been cancelled. Sorry for scaring the living shit out of you! Is there anything else I can do?"

"No, thank you." I hang up. Can you believe that crap? Like I'm not neurotic enough!! You do remember the COST of IVF don't you???

THEN!!!! They had the nerve to call me today to tell me my coverage had been reinstated. WTF!!! AGAIN!! I stopped him in mid schpeal. "Excuse me, you're telling me my coverage was cancelled and now is reinstated?"

"Yes ma'am. Did I stutter?"

"No, but I do believe you're talking out of your ass. Why the fuck did you cancel it, Ass talker? May I call you Ass Talker?"

"Sure, call me A.T. for short! I've been called worse. But Um...I don't know why your coverage was canceled. It doesn't say. But it's reinstated! And the rates have gone up to..."

"Wait A.T. Why the hell did the rates go up?"

Exasperated sigh, "Not becuase we were a bunch of dumbasses and cancelled your insurance for no reason. The company just raised the rates since you are gonna be spending like $15,000 of our money. They had to recoup it somehow. So we are gonna make everyone pay."

"OK... Will the new rates will be up on your site so I don't have to write down the number?"

"If you're that feeble, yes it will be up there."

"Whatever A.T., I hope you and your other Ass Talking clan, never find a parking space ever again!"

"Thank you, have a nice day."

"Bite me."

Third bit of information that came to me today. The hysterosocopy... IS ON!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, the film crew will be invading my uterus July 3, 2007. Not sure of the release date, you know how it goes, editing, titles, music...all that Hollywood stuff. I'm not sure of the pay, since I'm not in the union, but, I'd be happy with scale. (Like I know what scale is...) So, why are they doing it? Well, apparently after reviewing the ultrasound, they saw a mucoid something or other on my lining. I would go into it, but I'm really not sure what it means. I don't know why it would be there. Or really what it is. I mean I kinda, sorta know what it is, but if you want to know what it is...here. Trust me, there will be a lot of questions about this.

Anyway, I say to the nurse, "I'm ok with this. I just wanted to know that there was a reason for the procedure, that you weren't just doing it becuase, it's like the military and you're just doing it becuase you were orderd to. "

She found that funny. Not sure why.

"Anyway. I also just wanted to say, I know you don't like to knock people out doing this procedure in office. The last time I had this done they did knock me out, by the way. But I just want you to know I'm very anxious about this. I know it is not a comfortable procedure."

Again she laughed. Apparently, I'm hilarious and need to get a stand up job.

"So, I will show up wearing my big girl panties, but I just want everyone involved to know, I am anxious about this."

More laughter, "Ok. Don't worry . It will be fine."

I guess she gets this a lot and is not phased, which, on some level is comforting. Oh well, I guess we'll see.

So, next Mondy we go do the IVF Orientation and Injection Training 12.45-4.00. Gawd! Oh, and we are supposed to bring two oranges to the injection training. This cracks me up. My hope is that they make us peel the orange before we start sticking it with needles. I mean, if anyone has skin that resembles an orange, they really need to be seeing a completely different doctor. Then we go back up on Thursday for the filming, check in 12.00 noon! I'm ready for my close up!!

Cycle Day 8

2008-06-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

*Sigh* Last night was a tough night. I couldn't sleep. I don't know if I couldn't sleep because my mind was racing or my mind was racing because I couldn't sleep. Doesn't really matter I guess. So what was my mind busy with? The short answer...Fear.

Fear that this cycle wouldn't work. Fear it would never work. Fear of all that that means. How how I would deal with that? What would I do? I lay in bed, (lie in bed? whatever) staring at the ceiling. The room is dark, meaning there are no lights on. Dark isn't really dark you know. Not in populated areas. You can still see. I don't know what I expected to appear. Specters laughing at me? Mocking me? Pitying me? But the only thing I saw were shadows. When my hair was wet enough, I looked around the room. I never really thought about he phrase, "Silent Tears." Now I understand it. I let tears slip from my eyes where they disappeared into my hairline. I thought about stopping them. I thought about getting up and going to another part of the house and wailing. I settled on turning over, taking a tissue and planting it so the tears would be caught without soaking my pillow.

I would talk about my fears in more detail, but quite honestly, I'm not ready. Way too close. Way too painful. I won't even go into the outside imagery that contributes to the pain. But I figure admitting you have the pain is the first step. Confronting it and admitting it to others I think must be like step 700 or something. So when I get my feet under me, maybe I'll talk about that more.

So tonight, I have taken three, yes three Extra Strength Tylenol to get rid of this splitting headache brought on by drug withdrawal, new medication, lack of sleep and crying.

How's that for keeping it real? Enjoy some poetry...

Broken

by Cole Goodwin

Crack my eggshell heart on the spine of a book
Watch the bruised and scarred memories spill out in the light of day
Over the pages and into a cracked life
Pain hidden in the dark and under pressure
The book’s words demand their due

The tome's debt is paid with torturous memories
Vials of blood
Syringes of synthetic life
Aspirated hope
Inconsolable tears and unfathomable grief
All shed from denial of instinctual needs

Close the pages and return to lying
My world is ok, my soul is happy
Sweep the crimson mess under the smile
Return the empty shell to my chest.